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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25430845">Heaven or Tokyo</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosesweetchild/pseuds/rosesweetchild'>rosesweetchild</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Junjou Romantica, Sekai-ichi Hatsukoi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M, M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-05-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 06:21:28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>62,118</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25430845</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosesweetchild/pseuds/rosesweetchild</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>I wrote this shortly after Onodera Ritsu no Baai #28 came out. This was my response. I originally posted this on fanfiction.net. I want to make a sequel focusing more on Takano's story, and decided to move the story here first so I'm editing and re-working some minor plot elements.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kirishima Zen/Yokozawa Takafumi, Onodera Ritsu/Suzuki Akira (OC), Takano Masamune/Aikawa Eri</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>30</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ritsu was staring in front of his fridge. At the food all nicely wrapped in plastic wrap. He looked at his wrists, and it all came back. Takano. Dragging him into his apartment, pushing him on his bed and - no no no. He couldn’t go there. It had to be a nightmare. He wished he could wipe out everything that had happened after he and Takano had bumped into Nao at the entrance to their building. But he couldn’t. His body ached. His wrists were red and bruised where Takano had held him down. </p><p>No! </p><p>He felt nauseous. He knew he’d been tsundere. He knew he’d frustrated the man who loved him, but it wasn’t like he’d been doing it intentionally. He quickly dressed, grabbed his briefcase. If Takano was next door he’d hear him. He had to be careful. He figured Takano would run out to meet him as soon as he left his apartment, but he managed to get out of the building without running into him.  He was probably already in the office. How was he going to deal with that?  Would he just go to the office like nothing had happened, and work for the man who violated him? He felt panicky as he checked his sleeves to make sure he’d covered the evidence of last night’s degradation. He couldn’t work for Takano like nothing had happened. And maybe he didn’t have to either. Only a week before Hasegawa had contacted him about a possible transfer. At the time he’d asked for more time. Maybe the position was still open?  </p><p>He started making plans in his head as he exited the station. If everything went well, he’d be giving a big headache to his colleagues. It wasn’t their fault they were about to have more work.  First he had to get around his boss. He stopped at the entrance to the building and found a quiet corner to make a phone call. </p><p>“Hey Kisa San.”</p><p>“Ricchan! Everything okay? You’re almost here?”</p><p>“II need your help. I might have to skip work for most of the day…” He might as well have said he had to traipse through the building with only a necktie on. Nobody skipped work. </p><p>“Is everything okay?” Something about his voice caught him unawares. He had always been a funny guy, Kisa, with a mysterious sadistic streak. But right now, he was sounding caring, and maybe he was just vulnerable. He gulped as he tried to stop himself from crying, but Kisa must have heard something in his voice. </p><p>“I’m fine,” he managed to get out, along with a half muffled sob. He was a mess, and this was just a continuation of the humiliation he’d already suffered. And yet, he cried so easily because he desperately needed to talk to someone and couldn’t Kisa be that person? Could he be reliable?</p><p>“Ricchan. I don’t know what happened but if you need to talk I’m here for you.”  </p><p>“Thanks. I’m almost at work now. Is Takano there?” </p><p>“No, he’s at Animate. Ichonose Erica’s latest is being turned into an anime.  He told us yesterday, you don’t remember?. He probably won’t be here until later in the afternoon.”</p><p>“Thanks. See in a few minutes.” </p><p>When he reached the Emerald office, not only was Takano not there, but neither was Hatori or Mino, which would save unnecessary questions. It was bad having to confide in anybody. And he wasn’t going to be their favorite person once they realized they were going to be saddled with all his work if this transfer worked out. He sat down, brought up the company directory on his laptop and found the extension for Hasegawa and then turned to Kisa.</p><p>“Kisa, I need a favor from you. I’m going to make a phone call. Please don’t tell anyone about it.” </p><p>“N-No problem, Richhan.” He looked like he wanted to say something more but must have seen something in Onodera’s eyes, and went back to his laptop.</p><p>He reached for the phone. He knew that transfer or no transfer he had to leave Emerald. And he had to find a new apartment. What happened last night couldn’t happen again. He had to ensure his safety, no matter what. If he didn’t move, what was to stop Takano from  getting enraged and raping him again? Oh shit. Tears. No. This couldn’t happen now. He willed himself to think of something else. This transfer made sense. He’d worked hard at Emerald, and now he’d proved himself it was time to go back to his first love, literature. His first love: Saga Masamune. Takano. He shut his eyes for a moment. Then he dialed Hasegawa’s extension.</p><p>“Onodera San? I was just thinking of calling you back.”</p><p>“Ah. Thank you for thinking of me and for giving me time to answer.” </p><p>“No problem. Now that you’ve had a chance to think about the offer, do you have an answer for me?” </p><p>“I’ve thought it over, and I think at this point I’d be very interested in transferring to literature.” He would sound desperate if he said as soon as possible, wouldn’t he? Although it might have been showing in his tone. </p><p>“Wow. Today is my lucky day.” It was good it was somebody’s lucky day. Today was Ritsu’s nightmare day. “Can you come up now by any chance? My boss is here, and he knows all about you.”</p><p>“Is 30 minutes from now okay?”</p><p>“Of course. You know where we are?”</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>“Great.  I’ll meet you by the elevators on the literature floor in 30 minutes.”</p><p>Onodera was still shaking when he hung up the phone and quickly worked on two documents.</p><p>The first read: </p><p>“Takano Masamune - Chief Editor of Emerald: ,</p><p>I am hereby giving notice of my job as an editor of Emerald to take effect immediately.</p><p>-Onodera Ritsu</p><p>He printed it and started another document.</p><p>Takano:</p><p>I don’t know how to write this letter. All I know is when I woke up this morning, with everything that happened clear in my memory, I felt violated and lost. You know what’s so ridiculous was how close I had felt with you lately, how I felt like maybe we could really maybe be a couple even if we are men and even if everything was so weird and mixed up with us. </p><p>And then you almost destroyed me. I know that I wasn’t the easiest guy to be with. I know I gave you mixed messages. But it wasn’t on purpose, it was because I was confused. And maybe I shouldn’t have told Nao he could stay in my apartment, but you knew I owed him a lot for helping me back in high school. I know you lost control but it’s still unforgivable. </p><p>I’m leaving the department. I’m staying at Marukawa but I want you to leave me alone. I’ll be contacting the authors to apologize. I I hate to do this to Hatori, Mino and Kisa but you gave me no choice.</p><p>I will also be moving out of my apartment. I won’t be staying there, so do not attempt to find me or I will be forced to contact the police. I don’t think either of us want that, especially if I’m forced to tell them that it’s my male lover who attacked me. Make that my ex male lover. Because we are through.</p><p>The only way I will ever think of letting you into my life is if you can prove you will never do this again.</p><p>What’s so sad is how close we got to something good, but all I feel now is emptiness.</p><p>-Onodera Ritsu</p><p>He put the two letters into separate envelopes and put them by Takano’s workspace. </p><p>He then made the phone calls to his authors. Kisa gave him a few surprised looks. He finished the calls and checked the time. It was almost time to head to the Literature department. He looked at Kisa who deserved some sort of explanation. </p><p>“Ricchan, are you… I’m sorry for listening to your phone calls, but are you really leaving Emerald?”</p><p>“I’m sorry Kisa. I won’t blame you if you’re annoyed. I- I just don’t have a choice.” Oh shit, the tears were coming finally. And he had to meet with Hasegawa in a few minutes. He couldn’t show up with his eyes swollen and red.</p><p>“Ricchan, do you want to talk about it?”</p><p>“You can’t tell anyone.”</p><p>“Of course not.”</p><p>“ I need to go to the Literature department. I’m pretty sure I’m going to be transferring there. I can call you on your cell phone after, and then maybe we can meet for lunch. Is that okay?”</p><p>“Great. It’s the beginning of the cycle so there shouldn’t be a problem, and if Takano complains, well, tough.”</p><p>“Yeah. Shit. I can’t be crying now. This is so screwed up. I need to calm down.”</p><p>“Why don’t you go to the bathroom and run some water over your eyes and then go down to Literature. If you do that, nobody will notice.”</p><p>Onodera went to the bathroom and washed his face. He peered into the mirror. His eyes looked a little swollen, but it wasn’t too obvious he had cried.</p><p>Somebody came out of one of the stalls. Oh great. Just who wanted to see. Yokozawa, who would probably say he knew this would happen when he found out. Oh well. Hadn’t Yokozawa wanted Takano at one point? Well, he could have him, Onodera thought bitterly as he walked over to the elevators.</p><p>He figured he’d be interviewed, but Hasegawa had been busy. He had already procured a reference from Usami Akihiko, and the man must have had a memory transplant at some point, because his glowing reference didn’t quite fit with how annoyed he made the man over deadlines. Not that he was going to complain. </p><p>The transfer was basically a fait accompli. He had the job, and the interviews were more like a series of introductions to important people in the department including his new supervisor and even the head of the department, who, thankfully, did not play golf with his father.</p><p>An hour later, he left the floor with a new office space and a position in the literature department. He was starting a week from Monday, which gave him over a week to find a new apartment, somebody to take over his lease and to move. But first he needed a place to stay for the next few days. </p><p>He thought of Takano’s face and wanted to cry. They had so much history. Why did it have to end like this? No. It wasn’t an ending.This was just a wakeup call; a painful but necessary step he was taking to save their relationship.. If Takano loved him, he’d do whatever he could to get him back. He’d get help, and maybe after that they could learn how to proper couple. How to communicate and bring the best in each other instead of the worst. </p><p>He called Kisa and they decided to meet up at a new cafe a few blocks away.  The lunch rush hadn’t started so he easily got a table. He ordered a coffee while he waited. He was doing the right thing, wasn’t he? Still, Kisa had been his coworker. Could he really just tell him he and Takano were dating (sort of)? But who else could he speak to? An?  Ever since they’d broken up, they hadn’t really gotten back to their easy friendship, and Kisa had vaguely hinted he might not be the straightest guy on the planet. He had to take a risk. He knew lots of people too; maybe he could help him with finding a temporary place to stay while he looked for a new apartment. </p><p>“Ricchan!” Kisa was waving as he walked over to him.</p><p>“Hi. I’m sorry about the mess I got you guys in.”</p><p>“Aah. What are you saying sorry for? It’s fine.”</p><p>They ordered lunch and as they were waiting Onodera tried to put his ideas together.</p><p>“I don’t know if you know this. Well, I’m hoping you really don’t know because we were trying to keep it secret, but Takano and I were, well we weren’t really dating but well we kind of were together.”</p><p>“I can’t say I’m surprised. I always thought something was up between you too.” So much for trying to keep it secret.</p><p>“I don’t want to make things weird for you, but that’s why I need to leave the department. You know we also live in adjacent apartments?”</p><p>“No. Oh that sounds like that could be either wonderful or a nightmare.”</p><p>“Right now, it’s not good. The good news is the transfer is going through and I’m starting a week from Monday. Until then I can help with my authors, but I can’t go back to the Emerald offices. I already left my resignation letter for Takano.”</p><p>“iT’s fine. I already told Mino and Hatori. We’ve got it covered., I’m so sorry, though. Can you tell me what happened?”</p><p>“I can’t. I don’t want it to be awkward for you since you’re working for Takano. Just know that I wouldn’t do this unless I had to. I also need to find a temporary place to stay while I find a new apartment. It feels so unreal. I can’t believe this is happening.”</p><p>“Let me think about the temporary place for you. Hmmm. I know a guy who works at Japun who might be able to help. He’s nice and he lives with some rich guy and the way he described his apartment it sounded huge.  You know him? Taka something. Takamura. No that’s not it. Takada maybe? Nevermind. It’s Takahashi kun. You met him? He’s a little shorter than you, and he used to be a part timer, but he recently switched to full-time. We ended up becoming friendly.”</p><p>Before Onodera could stop him Kisa was tapping in the number. </p><p>“Takahashi kun? This is Kisa from Emerald. I need a favor. A friend of mine who works with me is having a crisis and he needs a place to stay. It sounds like an abusive situation.” Onodera gasped. How had Kisa figured it out so clearly? “It would be a major help if you could let him stay with you. He just needs a place for a few days – max a week- hopefully until he finds a new apartment. You have to check with your landlord?” Kisa rolled his eyes while saying this. “Okay can you find out as soon as possible? Thank you!” He hung up the phone. “There.”</p><p>“Thank you.”</p><p>“Don’t worry. By the way he hasn’t told me, but I can tell the landlord is his boyfriend. He always blushes when he talks about him. It’s this famous author. I wish I could remember his name. You’re going to freak out when I tell you it. He’s that well known. Usui? No. Usuda? No.  Takahashi keeps referring to him as Usagi san which makes no sense at all. It doesn’t matter. He’s super famous and super gay so that’s good too. And-” He looked around to make sure nobody was in earshot. “Don’t tell anyone, but I’ve got a boyfriend too. So, don’t worry about that part.”</p><p>Kisa’s phone rang.</p><p>“Ah, Takahashi! That was quick. I really appreciate it. He can stay? Thank you so much. I’ll give him your contact information. What’s your address? Kisa grabbed a napkin and had somehow retrieved a pen from who knows where. “Thank you so much.”</p><p>Onodera gulped as he took the napkin with Takahashi kun’s information. This was going to be awkward and embarrassing and horrifying, but at least he wouldn’t see Takano. He’d collect what he needed from the apartment while Takano was away and the next time he went to Marukawa he’d be in a different apartment. He was free. It should have made him feel better, so why was he feeling so empty and alone?</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>The title is a song by Paul Simon. </p><p>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ABXtWqmArUU</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter Two: One</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Chapter 2 - One</p><p>Ritsu sat on the bed in his temporary lodgings, still not quite believing where he was. The famous author Takahashi lived with ended up being Usami Akihiko. Ritsu had always prided himself on his authors only seeing his professional side, and here he was staying at a former author’s house because he was running away from somebody. He already owed him for the glowing reference and now he was staying at his house? At the same point, Usami also had the singular distinction of being the only author he’d ever gotten trashed with -correction: Usami had gotten trashed, Ritsu had barely touched the stuff, so he was already an exception. He’d finished editing the second book of his, and that book had been such a nightmare they both had wanted to celebrate.  So the drunk Usami had gone on and on about his one sided love with his best friend while Ritsu had tried to get him to be quiet because they were in public and this whole gay thing was supposed to be a secret, and he’d ended up having to take care of a very drunk depressed author. So maybe they were even in the favor department now. Of course he’d thanked him profusely for letting him stay and for the glowing review (which just showed what a creative thinker he was because Usami was often not happy at all with him when he was his editor) . He felt a little sad for whoever his editor was at Marukawa. Maybe they’d meet now that he was in the same department. </p><p>He ventured out of his room and headed downstairs where somebody was cooking. It was probably Takahashi. He checked his phone again and frowned at the screen. Takano hadn’t stopped calling or leave messages for a couple of hours now. He checked the messages. </p><p>Onodera? Where are you? He must not have seen the letters at that point. </p><p>You expect me to just accept this resignation note? So, you’re going to be half-assed after all and give up?  Give up? How long had Ritsu worked at Emerald? He frowned and started remembering all the reasons he was glad they broke up (k had they even been going out?)</p><p>Ritsu. Ah. Now he switches to the first name. I know l screwed up. Oh, he does, Ritsu thought bitterly. Just call me. Give me another chance. Please.</p><p>Several other mail messages with similar sentiments had arrived every fifteen minutes or so. He hoped Kisa hadn’t been put in an awkward situation and that Hatori or Mino would forgive him for the extra work they had because of him. He’d have to get them presents once he got settled. </p><p>But first he needed to find a place. He’d start by looking at all the ads he could find in the newspapers and get something for dinner at a convenience store. It was awkward enough that he was using his former author’s hospitality. It would be even more awkward if he had to sit down to dinner with them, even if the food was smelling delicious, and he couldn’t remember the last time he had home cooked food. It was some sort of curry. When was the last time he had that? It must have been that last valentine’s day with Takano when he’d snuck some chocolate in and Takano had found out and got so excited because he’d indirectly got him chocolate. He sighed and headed down the stairs. It was like he took two huge penthouse apartments and made them into one huge residence. </p><p>Takahashi looked like he was in his early 20s. He was short with dark-brown hair. He vaguely remembered him from Marukawa. The younger man noticed him and smiled. </p><p>“Hi. You must be Onodera. I’m Takahashi Misaki. It’s nice to meet you. Curry will be ready soon, so I hope you have some. If you’d be more comfortable eating in your room that’s fine too. We always end up having too much and Usagi San doesn't like leftovers, so you’ll be doing me a favor.” Onodera decided not to ask why he didn’t just make less food or where this ridiculous Usagi nickname came from.</p><p>“Thanks. It smells wonderful. I’ll take you up on that. I’d like to eat in my room, though.” Because he was doing Takahashi a favor, and he hadn’t eaten anything aside from an energy drink today. </p><p>“I got some apartment rental listings. If you need any help let me know. My full-time job hasn’t started yet and I finished school. What are you looking for?” Wow. This guy was so on top of things.</p><p>“Thank you so much. I need an 1LDR close to the Chiyoda line to Marukawa.” And hopefully in the opposite direction of his old apartment so he wouldn’t run into Takano on the train. Tokyo was huge, but better than safe than sorry.</p><p>“No problem. Good luck with finding something suitable. You’re one of the Emerald editors?”</p><p>“I just transferred to Literature, but I was there for close to two years.”</p><p>A little while later he was back in his room with a steaming plate of curry and some salad. It was delicious and had that comforting homey taste. He took the apartment listings and started circling possible places. The mail from Takano had finally tapered off, but he’d also missed calls from Nao. He was probably wondering where he was. </p><p>In the background he could hear his hosts argue. Takahashi was not shy to say what he wanted to the famous author. Ritsu didn’t understand the Usagi nickname though. Takahashi’s voice was loud.</p><p> “Baka Usagi! We have company!” </p><p>Ritsu couldn’t make out a response. Usami’s low voice was quieter, d but he’d obviously done something. Takahashi sounded calmer after although what he said didn’t really make sense. “You can have your refill when you’ve finished your deadline.” Whatever that meant. </p><p>Ritsu smiled. Usami was obviously doing a lot better than when he was his editor. And if Takahashi were more than just a tenant, Usami must have gotten over that straight guy he’d been obsessed with. That was one advantage of Ritsu not having a love life. At least he never fell for somebody straight. </p><p>He frowned at his phone and called Nao. Takano could wait.  </p><p>“Ritsu, where have you been? I figured you wanted your space last night, but I went to your apartment this morning and you weren’t there, and you weren’t at Marukawa either. Everything okay?”</p><p>“I’m fine. I’ve decided to move out though. I’m staying somewhere else right now.” </p><p>“Really? Don’t tell me things went sour with Saga Sempai?” Did he have to sound so excited? </p><p>“I can’t talk about it, sorry. I have to go now.”</p><p>“Okay. I guess I’ll have to rent a hotel room.”</p><p>“You’ll probably be more comfortable.”</p><p>“Given the typical state your apartment you’re probably right. If you want to talk later, I’m available.”</p><p>That had been surprisingly easy. But the real torture was now. The last time he’d seen Takano he was forcibly holding him down. Ritsu took a big breath and let it out slowly. He went to the recent calls list and readied himself to make the call. </p><p>Or maybe he’d wait on it? No. He could handle a simple phone call with the guy who messed him up more than anybody else. The man he loved. It was so clear now. Now that everything was destroyed. He hadn’t seen Takano for hours and it felt so wrong. He missed him so badly. Right before the nightmare began everything had felt so good. Even their run in the rain - he felt so close to Takano only to have everything ripped from him by the very man he loved. He rolled up a sleeve and checked his wrists. The marks from Takano’s hands were fading at least. How long would the emotional ones last?</p><p>He took another deep breath and pressed and called him, his heart racing. It went to voicemail and he released his breath. Good. This would be easier, even if he was delaying the inevitable, but a little procrastination never hurt. Now, what should he say?</p><p>“Uh… This is Onodera. I - uh was calling-”</p><p>His phone started ringing with and he jumped. Takano must have seen the missed call and was calling back. So much for the easier route. He switched to the new call and tried to ignore the burgeoning nausea in his throat. </p><p>“You called.” What was it about his voice? Takano sounded so vulnerable. He was pretty sure he loved this man despite everything that happened.</p><p>“Well, you called me a lot and left messages.”</p><p>“You left a resignation letter and you weren’t at your apartment. I was worried.”  He was worried. <i>He loves me.</i> If only last night hadn’t happened! Why did everything get so confused and messed up with them? But last night had happened. He needed to be strong. </p><p>“I need a clean break.”</p><p>“Why?” <i>Why?</i> He felt his love turn to anger. </p><p>“Takano, you know what happened last night. You hurt me. You crossed a line! All this time you’ve said you love me and then you do… that.”</p><p>‘I know. I made a huge mistake.”</p><p>“You think? And I was this close… this close… to… anyway I always wanted to work in literature, and Hasegawa had already offered me a transfer. I feel bad, but I have to do this.”</p><p>“Hah? You want to throw everything away because of one mistake I made?”</p><p>“See? You don’t understand! This wasn’t just one mistake. This was a colossal disaster! You hurt me! You hurt me badly!” He realized he was screaming but couldn’t stop. Oh great. Usami and Takahashi were probably getting an earful now. Another thing to be embarrassed and awkward about tomorrow.</p><p>“You’re right and I feel horrible. All I’m saying is don’t throw everything away. Please give me another chance and I’ll prove to you that-”</p><p>“Give you another chance for you to rape me again? Because you were freaked out about Nao? Even though I told you I wasn’t interested in him. You raped me because you were upset about something that didn’t even exist? And then you wonder why I’m so upset? This isn’t love!” </p><p>“You know what would have happened if he had stayed with you.”</p><p>“Nao wouldn’t have done anything! I need to hang up. I told you everything you need to know in the letter. You need to prove you’ve changed otherwise it’s over. Goodbye!”  </p><p>Onodera hung up. Hearing Takano’s voice filled him with both want and despair. He changed into pajamas, brushed his teeth in the adjoining bathroom, and escaped to bed. The blanket was warm and comfortable. He finally let himself have the good cry he’d been desperate for all day.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Chapter Title is from One by U2.  I figured it captured the despairing mood. I forgot how angsty this story starts. Well, it's kind of unavoidable. </p><p>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ftjEcrrf7r0</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. First Love</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Excuse the swearing, but Takano is a swearing type of guy, and they just seem to come out of his "mouth" naturally.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Chapter 3 First Love</p><p>It had been a long day and Takafumi was exhausted. He loved his job and the mobility built into it, but after spending most of the day travelling to different stores exhaustion was finally catching up to him.</p><p>He’d eaten dinner with Hiyori earlier and helped her with her homework, and now she was in bed and Kirishima was still at work. These ends of the cycle days were brutal. He’d probably come home in the middle of the night. He frowned. These two Kirishima powerhouses were becoming more and more entrenched in his life and if he had  to be honest, he would admit that his life was a lot richer as a result, and how incomplete it felt being in Kirishima’s apartment without that idiot around.</p><p>Lucky for him he didn’t have to. He was naturally tsundure and it wasn’t in his nature to admit that to anybody. It was torture just admitting it to himself. </p><p>It was good having Kirishima at work. He took an extra-long bath and put on sweats and a tee shirt and relaxed on the couch with a beer.  He could relax undisturbed and get into that new Sumi historical novel he’d been meaning to read for weeks now. </p><p>Or maybe not. His phone rang. H vaguely looked at it and recognized it as a Marukawa extension. It had to be Kirishima. He often got weird and needy on these long sleepless nights when he was in a race against time to finish the magazine. He picked up the phone and smirked.</p><p>“What is it now, Zen?”  He purposely put on an annoyed voice while calling his lover by his first name just to tease him. Zen was always playing with him, and Yokozawa tried to make the playing field even when he could.</p><p>“Eh? It’s Takano.” Weird. That wasn’t the Emerald line and why wasn’t Masamune calling from his cell phone? And he heard him call Kirishima by his first name! “Is this a bad time? I was just uh… saying hi.” Eh? Since when did Masamune just call up to say hi? And he sounded horrible. Something was wrong and it had Onodera written all over it. </p><p>“Masamune? What happened?” </p><p>“He left me.” That asshole. He said he loved Masamune. And then he goes and does the very thing Takafumi had worried he’d do! </p><p>“He dumped you? What a bastard. He doesn’t deserve a guy like you. Shit. I was worried he’d do this from the start!”</p><p>“You’ve got it wrong. It was me. It’s all my fault.” He sounded so pathetic. What the hell?<br/>
“What are you talking about?”</p><p>“It’s my fault. I - uh, it’s hard to tell you over the phone. Can we meet somewhere? I’ll buy you a drink.”</p><p>“I can’t right now. I’m at Kirishima’s babysitting.”</p><p>“Ah, you’re playing Mama Kirishima again?”</p><p>“Excuse me? Don’t call me that!” Inwardly he smiled. That was more like the Masamune he knew and loved -platonically! It was a good thing Kirishima couldn’t read his mind sometimes. </p><p>“Sorry.” Takafumi could hear the smirk as he spoke, but then Masamune reverted to small and pathetic. “Can I come over? I - need to talk to you.” He sounded so vulnerable and needy and so very unlike the usual cocky and confident Takano. Then he remembered how Kirishima told him once how sensitive he thought Takano was and how easily he could go down. Well Masamune wasn’t going to go down now or ever if he could help it. He wasn’t his oldest friend for nothing.</p><p>“Yeah, come over. Kirishima isn’t here. It’s the end of the cycle for Japun. I’ll just tell him you’re coming over and you have to be quiet because Hiyori is sleeping.” He gave him the instructions on how to get there. “If you leave now, you should have enough time to go to your apartment to get clothing and then come over. You can stay in the spare bedroom.” Kirishima was going to be pissed off enough as it was with this arrangement, so he’d sweeten the deal by staying in his bed tonight. He already suspected his lover would find a way to get his payback. Like waking him up at 3 am because he was horny and needy. </p><p>That idiot. </p><p>He smiled and emailed Kirishima.</p><p>Zen. It’s me. (Okay, that was stupid. He knew who it was.) Don’t freak out. Then he sent it “accidentally.” Just to tease him a little more. </p><p>The answer came back rather quickly. He could feel the stress radiating from the words.</p><p>Is there any reason I should be freaking out?</p><p>Sorry. I pressed send too quickly. Takano’s been dumped and he’s coming over. Nothing’s going to happen. He’s staying in the spare room. I’ll stay with you. Again. Don’t freak out. Nothing’s going to happen. He needs a friend.</p><p>You’re such a tease. Only you would voluntarily sleep in my bed when I won’t be making it home until 2 or 3 in the morning. Seriously though I trust you. You’re such a good guy.  Also, I’m sure you’ll make it up to me somehow. (:</p><p>Yeah. I figured you’d say that.</p><p>Got to go. Ijuuin Sensei is having a meltdown. Again. Only five more hours to go! I miss my bear. XXXOOOXXX </p><p>He caught himself smiling and then frowned again. Better. He went back to the Sumi novel but couldn’t concentrate. </p><p>Kirishima must have some sort of magic because otherwise how would he have fallen for him as much as he had? He frowned. What could have happened with Onodera? The guy was even more tsundere than he was, but from what Masamune had told him the last time they'd gone out drinking had sounded favorable; that the difficult man was starting to open up and they were getting closer to a real relationship. What happened to mess that up, because something bad had to have happened to make Masamune sound that bereft and broken on the phone. </p><p>Takafumi frowned and put the novel back on the bookshelf. So much for that idea.</p><p>He heard a light knock on the door and let Masamune in. He didn’t look bad, but maybe that’s because he was comparing him to the first year he was in college and was a complete mess. He looked awkward. </p><p>“Yokozawa, hi. I’m sorry for bothering you.”</p><p>“It’s okay. Come in. Take off your coat. I can heat up some food if you like from dinner. Have a beer.”</p><p>“Thanks.”</p><p>They talked about work and other casual topics while he warmed up the food. Luckily, they’d made more food than usual. He waited for his friend to eat a bit before bothering him with questions.</p><p>“So, want to tell me what the hell happened?”</p><p>“It’s not pretty. Let me think. Okay. Remember that asshole I told you about? He knew Onodera knew in high school and he always tries to annoy me by calling me Saga. He told Onodera he liked him, but Onodera said he wasn’t interested.” </p><p>“Sounds familiar.”</p><p>“Yeah. Except that you’re a good guy as opposed to this creep. What happened now is he asked Onodera if he could stay at his apartment, so he was basically saying he wanted to sleep with him, and Onodera couldn’t say no and told him it was okay.” </p><p>“Got it.”</p><p>“So that’s when everything went crazy. You know how last night was rainy. We were together on the train talking about that project we’re working on together. Then we made a run for it to try and get out of the rain as quickly as possible Everything was fine. Everything was good. I mean he was smiling at me. I just felt so good about everything. Then Nao showed up and told me not to bother Ritsu and I lost all control.”</p><p>“What happened exactly?”</p><p>“I forced him. He was telling me to stop. Shit! Why didn’t I just listen to him?”</p><p>“What are you saying? Please tell me you didn’t rape him.” No. Masamune would never do something like that. </p><p>“He didn’t want it and I forced him because… I don’t even know. I just thought ‘you’re mine you’re mine and I lost control. I’m a complete asshole.” For the first time since Takafumi found out that the new editor at <i>Emerald</i> was the same man who hurt the man he loved he was stumped. Because nobody deserved that, no matter how wishy-washy and tsundere they were! And yet Masamune needed his support, and how was he supposed to do that? </p><p>“Shit, Masamune! What the hell?” </p><p>“This was last night, and he’s already given notice and transferred to the literature department. He also didn’t go to his apartment and he didn’t answer my emails or calls. When I got to my apartment to get my clothing, he finally called me back, but it was a disaster.</p><p>“And the reason it’s such a disaster is because I’m an asshole. I don’t know how to have a normal relationship with anyone. Even Sorata. I can’t even take care of a fucking cat!”</p><p>“Masamune, that’s not true. You made a mistake. It’s a huge mistake. It’s bad and we both know it, but we also know you’re a good person. You just need help. That’s all.”</p><p>“Yeah. I’m so screwed up I need a a therapist. I’m so screwed up. He was so close - we were so close to loving me. Which I obviously don’t deserve in the first place.” </p><p>“You’ve never done something like this before?”</p><p>“Never! Okay. He often confuses me because he sends mixed messages. It was like he was fighting something that should have been easy because what’s the likelihood that I’m his boss and next-door neighbor? To me that was a sign we were meant to be together, but he’s cold and then hot and then cold again. I initiated things usually, but not all the time. </p><p>“It doesn't matter what he did in the end because nothing could justify what I did.  I’m screwed up. Who the fuck cares that I can make a magazine successful if I can’t make this work with him?</p><p>Takafumi sighed. What could he say that was helpful?</p><p>“You’re a good guy, Masamune. Real jerks don’t think they’re in the wrong and don’t realize they need to change. That’s already a big thing. And I’m here for you.” Masamune didn’t seem to think he was patronizing at least and nodded. </p><p>“Thanks. I think I’ll take advantage of that guest bedroom if you don’t mind.”</p><p>“Yeah it’s fine.”</p><p>“Mind if I take a bath?”</p><p>“Not all. Go ahead. I already had mine. I’m going head to bed too. Have a good night.” </p><p>What was going to happen to Masamune? The only good thing in the picture was he seemed somewhat stable aside from the self-denigrating junk he was spouting. Maybe Kirishima knew a professional who could talk to him. He’d had therapy after losing his wife.</p><p>He sent Kirishima a good night email, and if he did happen to inhale the aroma of his lover in the linens, it had been a complete accident. Although he let himself feel grateful that, as annoying as Zen could be, he had always made sure everything was 100% consensual, and maybe that’s what made it easier for him to accept his being pulled more and more into the Kirishima universe, because they were partners. That’s what Masamune needed too. A partner.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>The title is a Utada Hikaru song, First Love, the ultimate break up song, because it can apply for both Yokozawa and Takano. </p><p>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IGldkA5dG8o</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. If I Were a Seme</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Ricchan, it’s a good thing you weren’t here today. Takano was furious. It felt like it was the worst end of cycle day in the history of end of cycle days, and the month just started.”</p><p>“Aren’t you forgetting that I’m the guy who made him angry? I’m sorry you had to pay for it.”</p><p>“It’s not your fault. Well it is, but it’s fine. How are you doing?”</p><p>One thing nice about Kisa was how quickly he moved on from potentially awkward topics. </p><p>It was two days after he’d left Takano and <i>Emerald</i> and the two of them were sitting in a cafe near Books Marimo that Kisa had introduced him as a good place to go if you wanted to be alone. He had winked when he said that. He must have meant that Takano didn’t know about it. Which was good. The less he saw of him the better. He had already planned out what he’d do when he returned to Marukawa. His hours were changing so that would help, and he’d use a different entrance just to be on the safe side. </p><p>It was good to have somebody to talk to. He barely knew them, despite having worked with Usami Sensei for at least a year. He couldn’t talk to Nao. That would just make things worse. He didn’t really have anyone else to confide in. </p><p>“I’m feeling a little odd. It’s like I’ve moved into somebody else’s life if that makes sense at all.”</p><p>“I guess so. Maybe because you’re making multiple big changes all at once.” </p><p>“Yeah. That’s it. It’s so surreal to feel like this.  How did it work allocating my authors? They seemed okay when I apologized. I feel bad. I’d continue working until I start next week, but I don’t want to have to see Takano. I’m sorry. I know that sounds petty.”</p><p>“You’re not being petty, and we’ve got it under control. We each took over one of your authors and they’ve been trying extra hard to get their work in on time, so we’re actually on good pace this month.” </p><p>“Did any of them ask what happened?”</p><p>“Mutou did. I told her what you did; that it was for personal reasons. Mino seems oblivious. I have a feeling Hatori knows it has something to do with Takano. Well if he didn’t, he’s got to know now. Seriously. Today has been unreal. I’m surprised the guy still has working vocal cords.”  </p><p>“Sorry.”</p><p>“Ricchan, I told you. It’s fine.  We’ve been through worse. Don’t feel bad. Also, we’re getting a new editor from Sapphire who’s starting Monday.”</p><p>“Wow, so it won’t be the Maiden Club anymore.”</p><p>“What a ridiculous name. Technically, she’ll be the only maiden in the group. Did you find an apartment yet? My friend and I can come over to help you move if you need.”</p><p>“Thanks. I might take you up on that. I have no clue how I’m going to get moving done and I’m dreading going to the building in case I see him there. I’ve found a great place, though. It’s a few stops from Marukawa so that’s good. The building is in good condition and the apartment’s a nice size but moving in is going to hurt. I need two month’s rent, key money plus the broker fee and probably something else I’m forgetting.  I think I might have found somebody to take over my lease at least so I won’t have to pay twice the rent though.” </p><p>“Wow. I forgot how much it cost to move.”</p><p>“It’s going to be worth it though.”</p><p>“I’m sure. Let me know when you’re moving.”  </p><p>He spent the rest of the day packing up his belongings. He forgot how much stuff he had until he moved. He then went to the realtor and finalized arrangements to move into the new apartment. He tried not to focus on how much money he was spending. Then he went back to the Usami / Takahashi residence. They made the strangest couple. Not that they’d said anything, and Takahashi kept up his pretense that they were landlord and tenant, but it was clear in the way they interacted they were in a committed relationship. Or maybe Onodera just saw committed relationships wherever he saw as if to say, ‘this is exactly what you do not have. Want it? Of course, you do. Well too bad you had no clue how to even talk to the guy you liked, and he ended up raping you. Yeah that’s the type of relationships you get.’</p><p>What was wrong with him and Takano? Why weren’t they able to have a normal relationship in the normal order? Why had everything been so mixed up? From the beginning it had been almost like Takano had been daring him to fall in love. What had the man said? That he was going to “make” him fall in love? What sort of relationship could come up from something like that? It was like he regressed when they were together. Except this wasn’t school anymore. They were adults.</p><p>And he missed him. His voice, even the way he yelled out his name. “Onodera!” He missed his touch. His smell. It wasn’t fair. All the things he did that he didn’t do to the others at work. Like bonking him on the head with some rolled up paper. And yet the same man also threw a stapler at him and had stepped on him when he had fallen asleep. He was also confused by this guy. But he wanted him! </p><p>Ritsu tried to think about what it was that drew him originally towards Takano, back in high school, when he was still Saga Masamune. What had attracted him? Well he had been gorgeous. He was even more gorgeous now. But back then he looked so vulnerable. Something about him had just grabbed him until he didn’t even think how odd it was that they were both boys anymore. He just wanted to be with him. Had that been love? It had, hadn’t it? Okay he was fifteen, but it was love then, wasn’t it? </p><p>How had this 17-year-old sad looking teen grown up to become the man who had given him so many mixed messages and then finally hurt him in the worst way possible?</p><p>He had to get his mind off that night. What had been the strangest was how Takano had gone out of his way to make him food and had it wrapped nicely for him in the fridge. Like nothing had happened the night before. Or maybe it was his way of apologizing? “Sorry for violently forcing sex on you. Here’s breakfast.”</p><p>He really had to think of something else other than Takano!</p><p>He grabbed his DVD player and some DVDs and stuffed into the smaller duffle bag he’d packed to take back to his temporary abode along with necessities he needed for the next couple of days.</p><p>He picked the wrong time to come back to his hosts.</p><p>He’d been right about them being in a relationship. The two men were on the couch. Usami seemed to be trying to divest Takahashi of all his clothing without really succeeding.</p><p>“Usagi, that’s so good. No! Wait! Baka Usagi! What if Onodera sees us?”</p><p>“I don’t care.” </p><p>How not surprising. The author had never been particularly sensitive towards others when he’d worked with him.</p><p>Ritsu stood at the entry way, trying to figure out how to make it to the stairs without them noticing. Awkward. Then Takahashi saw him and looked like he was about to faint. He jumped up and ran to the kitchen, grabbed an apron, and started washing his hands, even though one arm was out of his shirt sleeve and his pants were partially undone. “Usagi was just helping me find my contact lens. I’m going to start making dinner.” Yeah. right. Contact lens. And if he was missing a lens how was he going to be able to cook? Well the important thing was to help him save face and pretend obliviousness.</p><p>“I hate when that happens. I’ve got good news though. I went to the realtor and finalized the lease for the new apartment.”</p><p>“Ah. I found somebody who could move you. If you want help packing, I’m available tomorrow afternoon like around 2.”</p><p>“Wow. That’s so generous of you, Takahashi kun.” He needed to say no. He’d stayed in his home, eaten his food, and now was going to take his labor for free? Instead he said thanks and found out more about the mover.</p><p>Now he just had to get past this feeling that he was living somebody else’s life.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>If I Were a Seme is a take off on If I Were a Boy by Beyonce.</p><p>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AWpsOqh8q0M</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. A Sweet Taboo</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Chapter 5 - A Sweet Taboo</p><p>Three months later</p><p>“Onodera, did you get a hold of Ohtani yet?” Ritsu loved being back in the world of Literature publishing, and his supervisor was nice, but she tended to micro-manage. This was the third time she’d asked him for an update about Ohtani this week. At first when she did this, he’d assumed there was something wrong with his work, but by now he knew this was just how she was. She was easily placated at least, once he demonstrated clearly that he had everything in control.</p><p>“Yes. She’s working through the edits we discussed Wednesday and should be sending a revised copy by Monday.” And it was late afternoon Friday. Another successful week completed. </p><p>“Great. Any finds in the pile?” The pile was the submission pile which the editors all combined tried to plow through when they had some spare time.</p><p>“Every time I think what I’m reading could be a hidden gem it’s usually because I’ve been reading too much.”</p><p>“Yeah. I know what you mean. I think I’ve finally found a winner and then I re-read it a few days later and wonder what I was thinking.”</p><p>It took time, but Ritsu had finally gotten used to the new schedule, and his new apartment. The first week or two he’d wake up and it would take a moment for him to remember where he was. The schedule was earlier and more regular than at Emerald. He was at work by nine and finished most days by six or seven at the latest. He knew there would be times when he’d work overtime, but it wasn’t going to be a week out of every month.  </p><p>With so much extra time, he was able to keep his apartment clean more or less, and falling asleep in the entryway was a thing of the past, but he’d gotten used to seeing the results of his hard work every month. That was the one upside of working for a magazine. And he had so much time, he was starting to become bored on the weekends. </p><p>He spent one weekend a month visiting his parents. That was the official reason. His father was usually busy though, and his mother tended to drive him nuts, so he spent most of the time with his grandfather, the first person who knew he was gay and who’d always been supportive. He loved listening to old stories about famous authors his grandfather knew when he ran Onodera Shuppan. Another weekend he caught up with An, and of course in between he’d caught up on reading. He’d forgotten how wonderful it was to immerse himself fully in a book for hours. </p><p>Still. He had so much time! Even when he brought some work home, he had extra time. He worked on improving his cooking and had been pleasantly surprised at the results until he sat down to eat. Alone. The first time he ended up crying, thinking about Takano, but he got used to eating alone. He had to keep busy, because when he wasn’t, he’d inevitably pine for Takano. Like how Takano did the cooking and how he smelled amazing. Well when it wasn’t hell week. He’d wonder at any given moment what Takano was doing. Maybe he was sleeping. Or working. Or yelling at his subordinates. Or having sex. With a woman he met. It was ridiculous but he could go on like this for hours. </p><p>The irony of all this was how effectively he’d gotten at avoiding him in real life. He took the south entrance instead of the main one. In three months, he’d only seen Takano at Marukawa once, and that’s only because he had used the main entrance without thinking one morning when he was in a rush and there he was waiting for an elevator. Takano looked like he wanted to say something but hadn’t. </p><p>The other time was when an editor in his department, Aikawa Eri who edited Usami Akihiko’s novels, found out Ritsu had been Usami’s editor at Onodera Shuppan and invited him to lunch, so they could compare notes, which had quickly turned into an enjoyable griping session for them both. Then Takano and Yokozawa showed up and sat down only two tables over from them.  Takano looked as gorgeous as ever, and pretended Ritsu wasn’t there. Which was good. What hadn’t been good was how that night he dreamt of him which led to the first wet dream he’d had since high school. </p><p>This was a month ago. He needed to take up a hobby. Or something. The only people he saw were his family, Kisa when he wasn’t busy and sometimes An. Nao had disappeared since that nightmare night which he was trying to forget all about. It wasn’t too surprising. He was always travelling internationally for work.</p><p>Ritsu found an online board which had information about his new neighborhood including classes, and on a whim, he signed up for a beginning tennis class. He vaguely remembered doing well at tennis in school or maybe that was table tennis. It didn’t matter. He’d learn something new and get exercise.</p><p>Before he knew it, he was standing awkwardly at a neighborhood park in what he hoped was passable tennis attire. He’d purchased an inexpensive racket. The only problem was there were only two people and they had to be the instructors. They were whispering to each other.  Probably about their idiotic student who didn’t know how to check a schedule correctly no doubt. He walked over to them. </p><p>“Um… I’m here for the tennis class. Am I too early?”</p><p>One of the men turned to him and Onodera wondered how a guy so good looking could even exist. Okay, so Takano was also gorgeous and existed, but this was a different kind of gorgeous. He wasn’t as tall as Takano; maybe five or six cm taller than Ritsu, but he was tanned and athletic, and his facial features were breathtaking. He was probably one of those guys who looked great and knew it too. He also had nice bulges in all the right places. Okay. Something was wrong, or maybe the lack of sex was finally getting to him. This wasn’t why he took a tennis class! Still, what could it hurt if he admired the view? Discreetly of course.</p><p>“Uh, not sure if you heard me, but I said it’s fine.  You’re only fifteen minutes early.”</p><p>“Ah. Sorry.” How embarrassing! He had zoned out after asking a question?  </p><p>“It’s okay. Have you played tennis before?”</p><p>“Um… it's funny because I thought I remembered in high school, but I think now it was table tennis.” </p><p>“That’s good. They’re related. My name is Suzuki Akira.” Suzuki Akira. That sounded vaguely familiar somehow.</p><p>“Ah, I’m Onodera Ritsu.” And you are delicious. </p><p>“Nice to meet you.” Suzuki smiled. He even had perfect teeth, Takano didn’t. It was part of his charm, though. No! He didn’t want to think about Takano right now! </p><p>“You must have played tennis a long time.” Onodera hoped he wasn’t drooling.</p><p>“You could say that.” It was the other instructor, who had come over and looked like he was about to laugh. “He only took gold at the Olympics in singles.” Oh. <i>That</i> Suzuki Akira. That was years ago, but it explained why the man looked vaguely familiar. Ritsu was always seeing him on TV or online, but he had bleached blonde hair then. Ritsu remembered thinking he looked somewhat ridiculous. </p><p>“Oh, please. That was a long time ago. Are you going to mention that to everyone who comes here?”</p><p>“Well it is the truth, and it’s one of my big selling points, so don’t be so humble.”</p><p>“Yeah, yeah, whatever. It looks like more people are arriving, so let’s get to work.”</p><p>“Work it, baby.” He winked at the other man. Onodera didn’t really get it., but by the looks of it Suzuki had, because he looked like he was blushing. Or maybe that was his imagination? This guy was hot, but he had to be straight, because that’s how the rule worked didn’t it?  Anyway, it wasn’t like he was looking for a date. Ritsu was here to learn tennis. Once Takano got his crap together, they’d get back together.  Still. It wouldn’t hurt if he just gazed at Suzuki discreetly. He probably looked amazing naked. Oh no. He was doing it again! A few months of not seeing Takano and he was acting like a pervert.</p><p>He tried to concentrate on the lesson. He was remembering why he hadn’t enjoyed tennis in high school.</p><p>He did enjoy the few times Suzuki helped him with this stance by standing behind him and putting his hands over his to show him how to hold the racket, but that had less to do with the enjoyment of tennis and more to do with being so close to this desirable man. So why not enjoy it a little? And if he asked Suzuki a few more times for demonstrations was it so bad? He seemed oblivious, and hadn’t been that busy with the other students, and Ritsu was never going to see him again so what was the harm?</p><p>It was only at the end of the session that Ritsu started to suspect he might have overdone it. As people got ready to either go change in a locker room, Suzuki headed towards him. He panicked. He had been too obvious. Suzuki was offended and disgusted. He could hear it already:</p><p>“I’m sorry, sir. But I’m going to have to ask you to stop sexually harassing me. I’m calling security.”</p><p>“Hello? You there?”</p><p>How many times had Suzuki said hello to him? He was zoning out again!</p><p>“Oh, sorry! I was so deep in thought I didn’t hear you!”</p><p>“Yeah, I could tell. It’s okay.” Suzuki looked around him and lowered his voice in what must have been an effort to make sure nobody else could hear. “At the risk of sounding like a total weirdo, I’d like to get to know you better. I know this is also a little sudden, but would you like to go out to dinner with me tonight?”</p><p>Onodera wondered if he was still in dreamland. Wow. Suzuki had more confidence in one of his fingernails than he had in his entire body, and he and he wanted to take Ritsu out for a meal?</p><p>“Well, yeah, sure. That would be nice.” They exchanged phone numbers and made tentative arrangements to meet at an inexpensive Italian restaurant nearby at 7:30.</p><p>He went back home and took a long bath. He’d have to tell Suzuki about his situation with Takano. But maybe Suzuki wouldn’t mind a friendship with maybe something extra added in as a bonus, because why not? Why not? Maybe because he didn’t do stuff like that? And why the hell not? He asked himself as he got out of the bath. </p><p>It was like he was turning into two different people, or maybe like one of the books he’d read he’d entered an alternate dimension and was now in a different version of Tokyo which in turn influenced him to be a different sort of Ritsu? Well who cared? </p><p>As he dressed, he wondered if this was the first date he’d ever prepared for. In high school he was in uniform, and the only dates he’d had with Takano had happened unexpectedly. Attire for those excursions usually involved a hoodie and whatever else he happened to have on. He had chosen a striped oxford shirt with chinos and a V-neck sweater. He looked good.</p><p>He was probably being irresponsible meeting this Suzuki guy. He didn’t know anything about him, aside for him being a celebrity.  He was too excited to care.  He tried to radiate a confidence he didn’t quite feel as he stepped into the restaurant a minute and a half past 8 only to meet Suzuki who had arrived there right before him.</p><p>He ordered some fish and salad and tried what Suzuki was doing - dipping bread into oil and balsamic vinegar was surprisingly tasty.</p><p>“So what do you do for a living?” </p><p>“I’m an editor at Marukawa Shoten.” </p><p>“Nice. I’m publishing a memoir there. I really need to get working on it. My editor isn’t so pleased with me.”</p><p>“Don’t worry. Most editors aren’t pleased with their authors.”</p><p>“Which department are you in?”</p><p>“Literature. I just moved a few months ago. I was working in Shōjo Manga before that. That was the most hectic job I’ve ever had.”</p><p>“That must have been a transition going from manga to literature.”</p><p>“Actually, the rough transition was going from literature to manga. Before I worked in manga, I worked at Onodera Shuppan in Literature for three years. Literature is a breeze compared to manga. The magazine I worked at published every month. We used to have a lot of all-nighters near the deadline.”</p><p>“That sounds exhausting. Wait. Onodera Shuppan - Any relationship?” </p><p>“My father owns the company. I left because I got sick of hearing people complaining that I didn’t do any work or that I only got assigned a best-selling author because of who I was.</p><p>“That sounds so frustrating.” </p><p>“Especially because this best-selling author who I won’t name not only consistently missed his deadlines, but also often ditched his meetings with me. If he hadn’t been a genius, I wouldn’t have stuck with him. Now my mother keeps nagging at me to return to the company because she wants me to take over.”  </p><p>“Sounds pressuring.” </p><p>“Anyway, that’s me. What about you? I’m sorry for not recognizing you. I’m not really into athletics.” </p><p>“Oh please. I wouldn’t get offended by that.” </p><p>“I don’t know anything about professional sports. Do you compete a lot? I bet you travel all over the place.” He noticed Suzuki’s face fall and quickly steered away from the disaster. “The only travelling I’ve ever done was an autograph signing for one of my authors.”</p><p>“It’s a little complicated. I’m not in pro athletics any longer.” </p><p> “Ah.” </p><p>“So, I was worried you’d think it was a bit of pervert when I invited you.” </p><p>“Why is that?” He wanted to check if this guy wanted what he thought he wanted. Suzuki was so expressive. He was rolling his eyes at him.</p><p>“You seriously don’t know? It’s because I think you’re hot. Oh great. I guess I wasn’t clear. It’s fine.  I’m glad we went out to dinner anyway. You seem interesting-”</p><p>“No worries. I understood. I was just being careful in case I was wrong, because -uh- you’re the one who’s hot.” He felt himself get red. Why did he have to blush so easily? </p><p>“Oh? Thanks. That’s nice of you. Has anyone told you your eyes are breathtaking?”</p><p>“Not really, no.”</p><p>“Well they are.” Suddenly he had a vision of Takano and started to feel a tiny bit guilty. </p><p>“So…” Suzuki had a nice smile. And it was clear from the way he was smiling that he was into him. Which was good. No. It was bad because what about Takano? He wasn’t exactly available for a typical relationship. What if Suzuki got the wrong idea? </p><p>“I need to tell you something first. I had a bad break up a few months ago. I’m not seeing anybody, but I told my ex that I might take him back. It’s hard to explain. We’re definitely not seeing each other now so I’m single pretty much.” </p><p>“Got it. But you’re interested in maybe a friendship with some added benefits?”</p><p>“That sounds exactly what I’m looking for.” What the hell was Ritsu saying? Suzuki was talking getting together for sex! This was so not him. The only reason he was acting this way were the attack pheromones that only gorgeous athletic guys could radiate. </p><p>“Great. So, uh… so when I was a kid, I lived in California for four years.” Maybe that explained his easy-going casual aura. “And in America they have the funniest names for chicken.” Okay. This was not what he was expecting. “They call them tops and bottoms. The breast is the top and the legs and wings are bottoms. I don’t know why, but when I’m going out to dinner with guys, they always seem to order bottoms for me.” Wait did he just say? “I’m just wondering what type of chicken you like.” Okay. They were now talking about positions in bed at a restaurant.</p><p>“Uh…” He found himself giggling nervously. “That’s an interesting question. I only ever ate chicken with one person. And he always got me bottoms.” How he managed to get through that sentence without laughing hysterically was a miracle.</p><p>“I’ve discovered something amazing. It’s nice sometimes having tops and sometimes bottoms. It’s healthier that way.” Wink. Suzuki was something else.</p><p>“Ah. I never thought of that possibility.”</p><p>“You should try it. I bet you’d enjoy it a lot.” Okay he didn’t want to visualize this right now.</p><p>“Ah. Thanks.” He had to change the subject. “So, do you often teach tennis?”</p><p>“Here and there. I do it as a favor.”</p><p>Suzuki insisted on paying for dinner and Onodera had the feeling he shouldn’t argue.</p><p>“So, is your place nearby?”  Suzuki asked as soon as they were out the door.</p><p>“Yeah. It’s close.”  Was this really happening? “Do you normally ask people you’ve just met about sex by the way?”</p><p>“Hahahaha. Sorry.”</p><p>“It was very interesting.”</p><p>“I meant what I said though, especially the last part.” What was the last part? Oh yeah. ‘You should try it. I bet you’d enjoy it a lot.’ Ritsu felt himself blush again and Suzuki must have noticed. “Sorry. My friends are always saying I don’t know when to shut up.”</p><p>“It’s okay.” He started laughing and Suzuki joined in.  They got on the train and before he knew it, they were at his place. It was messy but compared to his days at Emerald it was spotless, unless Suzuki were a clean freak, though, in which case he’d probably be horrified.</p><p>They had barely finished taking off their shoes in the entryway when Suzuki grabbed him, started running his arms through his hair and kissed him. Then they fell on the piles of clothing which he’d dumped on the couch and they started laughing.</p><p>“Sorry. I just did my laundry and didn’t have enough time to move it. Okay so he did but didn’t realize they’d be coming back there and had been engrossed in his novel.</p><p>“It’s fine. Are there piles of clothing on your bed?” How had Suzuki’s voice gotten so low and sexy? </p><p>“No. It’s fine. It’s clean. I just changed the sheets and -” this guy was so assertive, and an amazing kisser. He envisioned Takano one more time and forced the image away. Ritsu was single and could do what he wanted with whoever he wanted and the night was just getting starting.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Title comes from Sweetest Taboo by Sade.<br/>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7s9VY9kqgfE</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. It Takes Courage to Enjoy</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Chapter 6 It Takes Courage to Enjoy</p><p>The first thing Ritsu thought in his half-awake state as he felt strong arms encircling him was Takano? Again?! Then he remembered he hadn’t seen Takano in months and these arms felt different. Because they were. He glanced over at the sleeping man next to him, smiled and remembered. Sex had never been so interactive or as pleasurable. It had been a little frightening at first. Suzuki expected him to just top him, but it helped that he’d had enough experience from the other side to know what to do. That and Suzuki had helped. A lot.  It was nice waking up without aching hips. Then he frowned. Suzuki would be aching. Was he okay? He looked relaxed enough in his sleep.  </p><p>The alarm went off. He’d plan better next time so the next morning wasn’t a workday. Next time. That sounded good. He reached over to press snooze, and Suzuki responded by tightening his grip. So, he was that type? Takano also held on tight when they slept together. Takano.  This was ridiculous. He was thinking about him when he’d slept with another man?  If only he could press snooze on Takano. He closed his eyes and concentrated on his breathing and the simple enjoyment of listening to Suzuki’s heartbeat. Which was rudely interrupted by his alarm.  He sighed. Time to get up. </p><p>“Mm, let’s hold each other more.”  Was Suzuki talking in his sleep or half awake? Ritsu barely knew the guy. That had been rather reckless of him. Except he didn’t care.</p><p>But he did care about freshening up and clean clothing. His schedule hadn’t changed, even if they hadn’t slept until maybe two o’clock. He nudged Suzuki trying to be nice about it.</p><p>“Sorry, but I have to get ready for work.”</p><p>“Yeah, I figured. You’re so nice to be with.” Suzuki looked sleepily over at Ritsu and smiled. “I can’t believe you’ve only slept with one guy before. You were amazing.” he sat up and rubbed his eyes. “Ouch. Yeah. Like I was saying, you were brilliant.” </p><p>Ritsu blushed. </p><p>“You’re kidding me. I had no clue what I was doing. I don’t know what I would have done if you hadn’t been… uh… guiding me.” He blushed again. He wasn’t used to talking about bedroom activities, he would just sort of let Takano do what he wanted and sometimes it felt good. Okay most of the time it felt good. Darn. He needed to press snooze on the Takano for a lot longer than ten minutes! </p><p>Time to get dressed. And he resolved to fold his clothing right when he brought them in from the clothesline! He just hadn’t thought things through yesterday. Even if the look Suzuki had given him at the park should have clued him in. He just wasn’t used to guys looking at him that way. </p><p>Suzuki was walking around completely naked as he picked out his clothing. They were so different. Ritsu had wrapped the sheet around him when he had gotten up, but this guy was so comfortable in his own skin, Ritsu was both jealous and embarrassed looking at him. Which was ridiculous because they’d both been naked not too long before, but then he’d been too preoccupied to care, and the alcohol had also helped. </p><p>“Do you have time for breakfast? I can make it if you don’t mind me taking over your kitchen,” Suzuki asked as he finished putting on his shirt.</p><p>“You don’t have to.”</p><p>“I’d like to, though.” What was it with men who wanted to cook for him? Not like he was going to complain.</p><p>“Thanks, that would be nice. I have to leave in thirty minutes though.” </p><p>“No problem. What about toast, eggs, and coffee? And you have some pickled cucumbers in the fridge.” </p><p>“I completely forgot about those. Yes, please. I really appreciate it!”</p><p>“No problem. We both need to eat. By the way, are you free next Saturday?” Was Suzuki sounding a little nervous? Or maybe it was just Ritsu projecting?  Maybe Suzuki was secretly hoping he’d say no. They just met each other after all. But they’d exchanged phone numbers, Still. Maybe Suzuki hadn’t been so thrilled with Ritsu after all and wanted to nicely back off? Why was that prospect bothering him? They barely knew each other.</p><p>“Ritsu?” He had to stop zoning out!</p><p> “Uh. Yeah. I’m free Saturday. What’s happening?”</p><p>“There’s an art exhibit I wanted to see at Bunkamura in the afternoon. You’ve been there before? I’m busy in the morning volunteering at a tennis clinic for kids but I’m free in the afternoon.</p><p>“I haven’t been to Bunkamura in a long time. That sounds nice.” </p><p>‘You’re giving me that surprised look you know. The ‘athletics like fine culture?’ look. </p><p>“I am?” </p><p>“It’s fine. I’m used to it. But am I right? It’s a certain look of surprise. I know it when I see it.” </p><p>“I’m sorry.” </p><p>“You don’t need to apologize. I like it. I make enough assumptions about other people. It’s human nature. But about the museum… I was thinking we could meet there at 2pm, then head to my place and make dinner together, if you like cooking. Otherwise we could go out to eat.”</p><p>“I love homemade food, but I’m not so good at preparing it. I’d love to be your sous chef and learn as we go.”</p><p>“Perfect and I’ve got breakfast ready. Let’s eat.” </p><p>The food was simple but tasty. And coffee always worked. </p><p>“I was thinking, after dinner you could stay the night. Please tell me you don’t work Sundays.” </p><p>Suzuki really did sound a little unsure of himself. Maybe this friends with benefit thing was new for him, which reassured Ritsu. Even super confident guy could feel out of their element sometimes. </p><p>“That sounds good.” He suddenly thought of the chicken metaphor and started laughing.                                            	<br/>“What is so funny?”</p><p>“I’m just thinking let’s have chicken. I’ll have the leg - I mean the bottom - this time.”</p><p>“Umm. Sounds nice, but are you going to keep reminding me of this?” </p><p>“It just caught me by surprise. You never told me by the way, if you always talk about positions when you meet a new guy.” </p><p>“Believe it or not, I only came up with that last night. You inspired me.”</p><p>“Well it was very inspirational. Thanks for breakfast. It’s delicious.” </p><p>“No problem.”  </p><p>Ritsu looked at his watch. How did the time go? He had maybe three minutes top to be out the door or he’d miss the next train!  He grabbed his plate and mug and dumped it in the sink. </p><p>“Wow. You are in a hurry.” </p><p>“Yeah. Sorry. Stay as long as you like. The door automatically locks when you close it.  I’ve got to run. Thanks.” He smiled and ran to the entryway to put on his shoes and his coat. </p><p>The week started with him sighing as he took out his share of the manuscripts from the pile. It made for an interesting diversion for when he needed a break. A lot of the time they were a chore to read, which is why he paced himself, so he could finish the pile in time. </p><p>But today was different. Well at first it wasn’t. he read what looked like history of Japan, but it was based on the premise that youkai secretly controlled the government. Okay. He picked up the next manuscript at around 10:30 and the next thing he knew it was almost time for lunch. </p><p>He looked at the front. Maeda Ruri. Then he forced himself to finish editing Ohtani’s manuscript, which normally he enjoyed doing. There just was something pulling him to Maeda’s manuscript. It was fresh and the narrative style grabbed him. It shouldn’t have. It was a typical bildungsroman story. But this coming of age story about a girl growing up in the Ryukyu islands grabbed him. </p><p>The question was if it would grab readers the same way. He took the manuscript home and read it again and felt the same as the first time. This could be a major bestseller. Then he decided to go directly to Isaka Ryuichiro with it, after spending the night and most of the morning wondering about the repercussions of not bringing it to his hovering supervisor, Amami, or the department head. It felt right. Amani might be too cautious, and he didn't know the head of the department well enough, and Isaka discovered Usami Akihiko. He might be a manipulative bastard, but he knew his stuff. </p><p>He made a quick call to the one person he knew who had years of book publishing experience and had time for him. As usual, Grandfather sounded happy to hear from him. The retired life didn’t seem to suit him. It must have been a difficult adjustment after decades of running a large corporation. And his best friend had died. It was years ago but apparently, they’d been inseparable.  </p><p>Maybe Ritsu really did have publishing in the blood, because when he explained his situation, his grandfather agreed that in this case he should speak to Isaka. Then Grandfather must have made a quick phone call because Isaka’s secretary Asahina called a couple of hours later saying they could fit him in for Thursday afternoon, when a two-week wait was the norm. </p><p>As he got closer to his meeting with Isaka he started having second thoughts. What if he was wrong? What if Isaka laughed at him? What did he know about the book market? He just knew what he liked. </p><p>Isaka did usual patronizing act and called him nanahikari <i>again</i> but then he picked up the manuscript and started reading. Ten minutes later he ushered Ritsu out and told him he’d get back to him Monday. </p><p>He had been so busy with all the Maeda drama he didn’t have time to think of anything else until he left work Friday, when he remembered he was seeing Suzuki Saturday. He had to pack an overnight bag, which meant the freshly cleaned laundry could stay on the couch another day. He was looking forward to their date. </p><p>Then he envisioned Takano looking bereft. Takano loved him, and Ritsu told him he’d give him another chance, and yet here he was messing around with someone he barely knew.  Maybe he should call Takano up and see how he was doing. It had been months and the only news he ever had was from Kisa every few weeks or so. It sounded like Takano took what Ritsu said seriously, and it showed at work. Apparently, he yelled less.  It was just a phone call.</p><p>Then he remembered that night: Takano holding him down and forcing him even after he begged him to stop. If only he could forget that night. That feeling of violation and betrayal by the man who said he loved him. </p><p>He put the phone down. He was single, and he didn’t need to feel guilty about making new friends or having fun in the bedroom. It was up to Takano to call when he got his act together.</p><p>The next day though he became nervous again as he and Suzuki entered the museum together. Maybe last time had been a fluke. They’d gotten along well, but they didn’t know each other. But his worries had been unfounded. The exhibit was interesting, and Suzuki was so easy going and relaxed, it made Ritsu feel relaxed. Well maybe just a little.</p><p>Even cooking was fun, although he was mainly responsible for the prep work. It helped that Suzuki had kept everything simple, but he was a patient teacher, and his logic made sense. If you had excellent quality ingredients the rest took care of itself. Well, not quite, but it made a huge difference. Also, his kitchen was outfitted nicely and his condo airy, clean, and comfortable.</p><p>It was too good to last. Once they reached the bedroom, Suzuki wanted to top, which was fine. Ritsu had plenty of experience there, so he did what he always did. He took off his clothing, lay on the bed, closed his eyes, and waited for Suzuki to take over, but this wasn’t Takano. For one thing Takano didn’t have huge swathes of scarred skin tissue on his abdomen. How had he missed that before? What had happened?</p><p>Then he noticed Suzuki’s look of displeasure. Then he spoke, and got straight to the point, although he was clearly trying to be nice about it.</p><p>“Onodera? You’re not just going to lie there, are you? I was hoping maybe for a little more interaction.”   Ritsu knew everything had been going too well. This was when things would fall apart.</p><p>“Uh, I just, uh, this is kind of how I usually do things.”</p><p>“Got it. Your ex liked being in control.”</p><p>“Well, uh, yeah.” Why did they have to talk about this? It was so embarrassing. And wasn’t being topped meant the other guy was in control? </p><p>“I don’t know how to say this. I like you and I think we’ve had a good time together, but I don’t think this is going to work.” </p><p>Oh great. They just met, and Suzuki was already saying goodbye? If the guy wasn’t going to work with him, then he didn’t need him. Why was he starting to cry? Well, rejection hurt, even if it wasn’t a boyfriend and they barely knew each other.</p><p>He got up to look for his clothing and blinked quickly to stop the tears.</p><p>“Wait, where are you going?”  Where does he think I’m going? Ritsu thought bitterly.  “I think you misunderstood me.”</p><p>“Well, you just said it’s not going to work.”</p><p>“Ah, man. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean us. I like how things are. That’s why I said I like you. I think we do well together.  I meant I’d like to change what we’re doing here. In bed. Will you let me help?” </p><p>Oops. He totally misunderstood Suzuki. Ritsu automatically assumed Suzuki wanted to end it things. Was this kind of what happened when Takano smirked at him years ago and he responded by kicking him? (apparently). </p><p>“Oh! Yeah. I’m okay with that.  I just did what I’m used to. I’m fine with trying something new. I mean, last week was definitely new and it was uh... wonderful.” Great, more blushing.  </p><p>“I understand. You’re doing what you know. You’re so cute, Onodera. I hope you don’t mind me saying that. And you look sweet when you blush.” </p><p>“Thanks, but I hate that I blush so easily. It’s embarrassing.”</p><p>“Aw, but I like it. You’re genuine.” It was weird. He should have been annoyed at being called cute. But from Suzuki it worked. “I hope you don’t mind me being open with you, but I’m used to direct communication. I want you to be as direct as you can with me too. Okay?”</p><p>“I’m not used to that, but I’ll try.”</p><p>And just like that, Ritsu’s night improved a whole lot more.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Chapter title is from the song by Byork - Big Time Sensuality. </p><p>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B5Dc1LEn4AM</p><p>I feel a bit awkward publishing this chapter during Takaritsu week (why isn't it Takadera week or what about Onokano?) but then again I think their relationship is a train wreck in canon.  Even though I think the characters are fascinating.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Chapter 7 This Was No Ordinary Love</p>
<p>Wednesday 7pm. For weeks it had been the same. First, the waiting room. You’d think somebody charging 10,000 a session would have been able to have her walls painted every so often or changed the carpeting.  But he wasn’t here for the decor. He flipped through his magazine, noting all the errors. It would be nice to not always be in editing mode, but somehow when presented with anything written he might as well have had a red pen in his hand. </p>
<p>And after this annoying session with this frustratingly understanding woman more work awaited him. </p>
<p>Not that he was complaining. Work was the one thing keeping him afloat nowadays. Ever since he fucked up his life for good. Because Ritsu was gone. And ever since he kept having dreams about him. Some of them were set back in high school, but usually it was of more recent days, although once he’d dreamt of them being in some morbid cosplay of the Edo or Sengoku period. They were both in kimonos. Ritsu looked delicious with a ponytail, forelock intact.  It was sweet. Ritsu loved him and couldn’t stop kissing him, but it ended horribly with Ritsu dressed completely in white, wakizashi sword in hand. Masamune had seen enough historical dramas on tv to know that meant seppuku. Fortunately, he only had that dream once. </p>
<p>He had only seen Ritsu twice since he left him, and each time Masamune pretended he hadn’t, but it was hard not to notice the look of shock and horror even if it was on the other man’s face for just a moment.</p>
<p>Why couldn’t he have stopped himself? </p>
<p>Now it was four months later, and he had spent most of it desperately trying to fix himself at these sessions. At first, they covered what he already knew. Like how his upbringing had been messed up, that his parents had never modelled a functional marital relationship for him to learn from and had never been particularly nurturing to him either. But he knew this for years now. Maybe when he was a kid he thought that all fathers looked at their sons in disgust or that all parents yelled at each other for hours, but by the time he was a teenager he’d seen enough to know how dysfunctional they were.  He didn’t need a therapist to tell him this. </p>
<p>After that they switch to worked practical methods. He also worked hard, doing every exercise she assigned him. They involved helping him learn how to get through the day without yelling at anybody and even more useful, how to recognize when he was about to lose it and to stop himself before he got there. It took time. The first month he thought it was pointless. It was only after two months he realized how much he’d improved, to the point that people were commenting. Part of him missed having the occasional sparring match with Yokozawa, but this would be worth it if he could get Ritsu back, and he didn’t miss his voice becoming hoarse from all the yelling.</p>
<p>Watanabe seemed to want to help him, unlike that first therapist who had come so well recommended by Kirishima, but there’s a big difference between somebody needing therapy because their wife died and because you raped your boyfriend, and two: He was happy for Yokozawa that he was with somebody he loved, and grateful his friend was there when he needed him, but Kirishima didn’t need to know about his private business. </p>
<p>This therapist had been so horrified she spent their only session telling Masamune how lucky he had been how so few people reported rape in this country because he should be sitting in a prison cell. Then she had expected to get paid! She’d had some serious baggage. He had been tempted to suggest she go to a therapist until he realized she was right. He really should be a criminal. It was rape, pure and simple. Had he really figured he could make Onodera breakfast the next morning and that would erase everything? Would he ever be able to fix what he’d done?  He’d caused so much damage in ten minutes of what hadn’t even been pleasure but a desperate need for control.</p>
<p>He thought of this as he looked yet again at the cracks in the paint and the rumpled carpet that was coming out in places. He looked at his watch and frowned. Watanabe was later than usual. He put the magazine down and went back to four months ago, when he and Ritsu laughed and held hands as they tried to escape the rain.  They had been working on a special project and Masamune had been so sure he was nearing a breakthrough with Ritsu, who would get rid of his tsundere behavior and start acting open and loving to him. Maybe they could be a real couple finally.  In the end the project had to be scrapped, because they were too busy just getting the magazine published that month.</p>
<p>Watanabe peeked out her door and ushered him in. </p>
<p>“So, how was your week, or rather the last two weeks?” </p>
<p>“It was fine. I lost my temper with one of the authors, but I managed to stop it from blowing into anything huge.”</p>
<p>“That’s great. How were you able to do that?”</p>
<p>“I left the building and took a short walk.” He thought about skipping the part how he was searching for something to smash his fist into, but what was the point of hiding shit? “I was looking for a punching bag. I didn’t find one. I did manage to calm down though.” </p>
<p>“That’s great. You left without yelling. Too bad your company doesn’t have punching bags installed in your offices.” </p>
<p>“Yeah, I think a number of departments would benefit. So, I know I’ve told you my ex said he’d take me back if I proved to him that I wouldn’t hurt him again, which is why I’m here. What I don’t really understand is how I’ll be able to prove that fully.” He still found it awkward being open about his ex being male, but the therapist had assured him everything was confidential.</p>
<p>“I’m not sure how to answer that because I’m not him. I imagine he realizes that it involves trust on his part, because you’ll only be able to show him so much.” </p>
<p>“Got it.”</p>
<p>“If it helps, I do think you’ve come a long way, but your challenge is convincing him.” </p>
<p>At least he had responded better to the breakup than last time when he was so empty and self-destructive. He was older now and knew self-destructing wouldn’t solve anything. Once had been enough and if it hadn’t been for Yokozawa, he might not have survived college. It was also a miracle he’d never gotten an STD or someone pregnant. Back then he’d been too gone, too selfish to really care about protection. </p>
<p>The week flew by and surprisingly enough. It was the beginning of the cycle and he didn’t have much extra work to do. Maybe he’d head to Ni-chome and check out the scene, even though he knew it wasn’t him. He’d always been a loner. He was fine with socializing for work, but his ideal evening would be a night at home with someone special; someone Ritsu, but he was bored and restless and there was no Ritsu keeping his bed warm. </p>
<p>After a quick online search for nightclubs, he chose one and headed for the train. </p>
<p>What was Ritsu doing anyway? He hadn’t made any contact. True, it was Masamune’s job to contact Ritsu so what was he expecting? Hopefully soon he’d feel confident enough to contact Maybe it wasn’t too late for them. </p>
<p>Those were odd thoughts given he was headed to a club for the sole purpose of hooking up with somebody. But that was just to help him. It had been months and abstinence was starting to drive him up the wall.</p>
<p>He got to the club, ordered a highball, and took a seat at the bar, remembering another reason why he never went to clubs, the loud noise and the crowds.  It was packed. He lit a cigarette and tried to relax. A guy came over, but he wasn’t his type. What <i>was</i> his type? Ritsu?</p>
<p>Then he noticed what looked like Ritsu walking into the club. It couldn’t be anyone else.  What was this? They were in the most populous city in the world. What were the chances of this even happening? </p>
<p>Fortunately, he hadn’t been noticed and Ritsu wasn’t with Nao but with some other guy, who wasn’t much taller than Ritsu and looked vaguely familiar, but Masamune couldn't place him. He found another seat where he could watch them without being spotted. </p>
<p>They looked like they were enjoying themselves. Had Ritsu ever smiled or laughed with him like that? </p>
<p>Was this considered stalking?  And why <i>was</i>he hiding? He could just pretend they weren’t there. He went back to the bar and ordered a refill. If Ritsu could find a guy, so could he. What was his type? It was starting to bother him now. There hadn’t ever been a noticeable pattern with either the men or women he dated over the years. He liked someone like Onodera. Cute, but with a bite. Vulnerable but fiercely independent, and gorgeous yet completely unaware of how good looking he was. </p>
<p>A tall emo/goth guy came over to the bar. He was tall, lean, and dressed completely in black. He had messy hair just past his shoulders and was wearing boots with skulls for buckles. He looked sexy, like he’d stepped out of one of the weirder fantasy stories they’d run occasionally in Emerald. If this were a manga, it would be a demon in disguise. Maybe he should pitch it to Ichinose actually.  A mangaka draws a picture of a demon, he comes to life and claims to love her. Okay. Now he was thinking of story ideas when he should be looking for a one-night stand. Still. Ichinose Sensei would love this guy. He was hot, if maybe a bit too lanky, and he looked nothing like Ritsu. Which was good. </p>
<p>He must have seen Masamune appraising him, because he had a smirk on his face as he walked over, his buckles making clunking sounds as he walked. He looked like he was maybe 24 or 25. Masamune was fine with smirking guys. He smiled back. </p>
<p>“Hi. Can I buy you a drink?” </p>
<p>“Sure. I’ll have what you’re drinking.”</p>
<p>He ordered another highball.</p>
<p>“And no, I don’t come here often, in case you were going to ask that.”</p>
<p>“I wasn’t. I come here often, and I’ve never seen you here before. Although in Tokyo you never know.”</p>
<p>“Right. Takano Masamune. I work at Marukawa Shoten.”</p>
<p>“Ah. Fujiwara Keiichi here. I’m a grad student at Teito. I’m 24. What about you?”</p>
<p>“29.”</p>
<p>“Nice. You’re hot. Interested in visiting a temporary residence with me for a bit?”</p>
<p>“Yeah. Sure, but I don’t have any- “</p>
<p>“No worries. I’ve got everything we need.”</p>
<p>They finished their drinks and if Ritsu saw them when they were leaving together, all the better.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Title is from No Ordinary Love by Sade<br/>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5leCi87AEQ</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. I Wish You Were a Fool for Me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Wasn’t he getting a little old for this? The last time he’d picked someone up just for sex had been back in college when he tried in vain to block out the pain through drink, drugs, and sex. 11 years was a long time ago. That had been almost another life. But when he’d seen Onodera happily enjoying himself with another man something snapped.</p><p>What the hell was he doing with this Fujisawa guy? No. Fujiwara. Fujiwara Keiichi, who looked like he belonged in an alternative band, with his all black clothing and piercings in multiple orifices, but instead he was a 24-year-old graduate student in microbiology at Teito so the guy had to be brilliant. </p><p>They’d gone back to Fujiwara’s apartment in the end, which was better than bringing him to his own apartment, but not as good as a love hotel. </p><p> “So, you do this often?” Fujiwara had asked him after offering him a beer. They both perched at the edge of his large bed.</p><p>“Not in years.”</p><p>“Got it. So, what gets you off?” </p><p>This guy was a lot more direct than Ritsu, who was so tsundere he barely had the dere portion and probably would have liked multiple root canals to saying what the fuck he wanted. Not that Masamune was bitter or anything. Ritsu. If he could just erase that night together or if he only stopped himself; left the apartment- done anything but hurt Ritsu. He looked up at Fujiwara who had to be wondering what was taking so long.</p><p>“I want you to rape me.” Because he deserved a lot worse than what he had done to Ritsu.</p><p>“Seriously? That’s kinky.” Fujiwara smirked and Masamune resisted the urge to punch him in the face. </p><p>“I want you to pretend to be a jealous boyfriend and you see me with another guy and even though nothing happened you assume the worst and rape me.” Because then maybe he’d know what Ritsu had gone through. At least a glimmer.</p><p>“That’s specific. Normally I only do consensual, but I guess this is consensual since you’re asking for it. Heh. You asked for it. Well lucky for you I was into acting when I was in high school. Let’s use different names. You’re Shouta and I’m Tanaka. You’ll call me senpai.” Fujiwara had jumped up and was now leaning over him in a slightly menacing way.</p><p>“Well Shouta, I see that you were finally unfaithful to me with that good for nothing bastard. You knew he had a thing for you and you still let him come over. Well, I’ve had enough!” </p><p>Shit. This guy was good. Fujiwara had seamlessly gotten into character, but the scenario was almost too close for comfort. Especially that senpai bit. And Shouta? Well it was a common name, but he kept thinking of Kisa. Oh well. He tried to think about a 15-year-old Ritsu and how he used to talk in such a vulnerable way; how he called him senpai so shyly and sweetly. </p><p>“Please, Senpai. Nothing happened. He just needed a place to stay and he’s my old friend.”</p><p>“He wants you and you know it.” This guy should have been an actor. He quickly stripped Masamune of his shirt and started inspecting him. </p><p>“Where did he touch you? Here?” Fujiwara kept moving him around as he inspected his body for marks and Masamune started wondering if he’d ever done this to Ritsu. He didn’t say anything at the time,  but he remembered Nao confessing that he liked Ritsu and the next time he and Ritsu had gone to bed he’d made a point to touch him everywhere as if getting rid of a contagion. Had Ritsu figured it out? How had he felt? He was concentrating so much on the past he only realized after the fact that Fujiwara had handcuffed him to the bed. He instinctively tried to free himself.</p><p>“You’re not going anywhere until you understand that you’re mine and I’m not giving you to anybody!”</p><p>It felt like he was watching a movie about somebody else. It would have been ten times worse for Ritsu though because it wasn’t some stranger he just met, but the guy who told him he loved him so many times. Masamune was beginning to understand why people cut themselves, so they could feel the pain. And he deserved much more pain than this.</p><p>Afterward, Fujiwara reverted to his regular persona, uncuffed Masamune and calmly zipped up his pants, leaving Masamune to try to find his clothing which had been flung in different directions. </p><p>Fujiwara calmly sat on a chair and smoked a cigarette.</p><p>“So, why did you rape your boyfriend?”  Had it been that obvious?</p><p>“Don’t look so surprised. You didn’t come across like a guy who has rape fantasies. So how many times did it happen? And was it one of those guys you kept on looking at the club?”</p><p>“How - how did you figure all this stuff out?”</p><p>“I don’t know if it comes from looking at a microscope all day, but I’ve become pretty good at deduction.” Who was this guy? Sherlock Holmes? “Whatever. You don’t have to tell me anything. You feeling okay though? Your wrists are a bit red from the handcuffs. I enjoyed myself a lot more than I thought I would. And you were so nice and tight. Let me guess. You usually top?”</p><p>None of your business, asshole. “I’m fine.”</p><p>“I figured you’d say that, but as crazy as I acted, this isn’t really my thing you know.” Despite him having a pair of handcuffs? “If anything, I’m usually the one who gets locked up. Whatever. Want some coffee?”</p><p>“No thanks.”</p><p>“Well I hope it helped although I’m guessing the answer is no.”</p><p>Fujiwara needed to shut up. But he was right. How was this supposed to make up for what he did to Ritsu? The only thing he got out of it was remembering how sex was a lot different from the other side. Especially with a guy who had been a crazed jealous maniac, even if it had all been an act. He had thought he’d been pleasuring his lover when they had been together, but had it hurt for him this much? The moans Ritsu had always tried to muffle had made him certain he must have enjoyed it, but had he? And did his hips hurt this much each time? And what about the last time. How had he felt when he got up the next morning? Why hadn’t he ever thought about this before?</p><p>Because he was an asshole; A selfish bastard who only cared about himself, which is why Ritsu was already seeing somebody else. Although maybe it was casual, because Ritsu would have broken up officially.  Still. The way they were looking at each other…  Especially how this guy had looked at Ritsu. The look that said I wish we were in bed together. Masamune couldn’t blame him. He'd had that look himself enough times since Ritsu had come back in his life. </p><p>And Ritsu couldn’t be blamed either for wanting to meet somebody else. In four months a lot can happen, and if he didn’t’ get his act together he’d lose Ritsu for good. </p><p>After a cab ride home, a bath and a fitful sleep he was stuck with a day full of ‘fun’ with the Kirishimas at the zoo. He still didn’t understand why he’d agreed to tag along. The only thing he would get out of it was how amusing Yokozawa and Kirishima were together, and to annoy Yokozawa by purposely calling him Kirishima, although it was getting a bit old by now. </p><p>At least Hiyori would be there. She’d been awkward around him at first, but Hiyori adored Ichinose Sensei’s manga and once she’d found out he was her editor, they’d become best friends. She was going to flip when she discovered her favorite mangaka was meeting them for an early dinner after the zoo.</p><p>He couldn't get over how happy Yokozawa looked. On the surface he looked his usual self. But Masamune had known him long enough to know how much he changed since he started dating Kirishima. He saw it in how he treated Hiyori and the looks he gave Kirishima. He wasn’t too surprised that he cooked and baked with the girl though. Yokozawa had always been gruff on the outside, but had a sweet side to him, which he only showed to a select few. Kirishima walked by and nodded.  </p><p>“Ah, Takano. Nice to see you.”  Yeah, right. Kirishima was friendly, but he often looked slightly wary. It was the ‘stay away from my man’ look, which was ridiculous since Masamune had rejected Yokozawa a long time ago, or did this guy’s jealousy have no bounds? At work he was different; alwayd do calm even in the face of the most stressful moments -or at least that’s how he appeared to Masamune- but Yokozawa clearly brought out his jealous side. The guy needed to tone it down a few notches.  </p><p>Why was he tagging along with them anyway? Maybe because it was better than getting drunk and he’d already done one idiotic thing this weekend.  </p><p>At the zoo, Hiyori walked ahead with Yokozawa, practically dragging him with her at times as she pointed at the animals. Masamune couldn’t help smiling. At some point she was bound to figure out what was going on with her ‘big brother’ and her father. </p><p>It wasn’t as awkward as he thought it would be walking with Kirishima. Well, it’s not like they were strangers.</p><p>“So, how are things going at Japun?” </p><p>“Never a dull moment. I always wonder what running a monthly would be like. For us every week has a hell day.” </p><p>“Trust me, that’s better than a straight week of it.”  </p><p>“True.” </p><p>Masamune looked around to check if Yokozawa or Hiyori were in hearing range. Perfect. Hiyori was running to the giraffes with Yokozawa close behind.  He pulled Kirishima aside. </p><p>“I just want to tell you I’ve never felt anything for Yokozawa aside from being grateful he’s my friend, so there’s nothing to worry about. I was an idiot in college, and he saved me. He’s obviously a lot happier since he’s met you, and he’s definitely over me.”</p><p>“Ah. What’s bringing this on?”</p><p>“The fact that you tend to look at me like I’m after him, and I’m not. I’m glad we’re friends again that’s it.”</p><p>“Ah. I’m probably doing that without realizing it. My apologies.” Like that was believable. Kirishima Zen wasn’t the type of guy who did things without realizing it.</p><p>“No problem.” This was getting awkward and embarrassing. Luckily, Kirishima being the skilled conversationalist he was, brought them back to safer topics like their authors chronically being late and the end of year party. </p><p>When they’d finished the zoo, they went to the restaurant to meet Ichinose Erika, who was chatting with another woman outside the restaurant, who looked vaguely familiar. Maybe she worked at Marukawa? It was ridiculous how most of the people he knew worked there. Aside from the Fujiwara guy from last night and that wasn’t exactly going anywhere. She was shorter than Ichinose with longish brown hair and a nice face. She was wearing a white buttoned-down shirt and a tan skirt that went a little below her knees. She had blueish-purple eyes. Nice rack, he idly thought. </p><p>“Hello Takano, Yokozawa, Kirishima, and you must be Hiyori?” Ichinose smiled brightly towards Hiyori, but she didn’t come across as fake. She was good at this. “I’m Ichinose Erika. I work with Takano. This is a friend of mine who’s also an editor, Aikawa Eri.” Ichinose looked quickly from Aikawa to Masamune. Suddenly it all became clear. Ichinose had told him about a friend of hers ever since he’d let slip that he wasn’t seeing anyone, going on and on about how she’d be perfect for him, but he’d so far ignored it, so she had taken matters into her own hands. No wonder she had been so gracious about meeting them for dinner. </p><p>“How is Usami doing, Aikawa?”  Ichinose had already told him Aikawa was Usami’s editor at least five times by now. Usami Akihiko. That brought back memories of when Ritsu got him a magazine with one of Usami’s stories in it and they ended up having a lively discussion about it. Back in the days when Ritsu happily said “I love you” to him.</p><p>“He’s fine. Still late with his deadlines.”</p><p>“He and Ijuuin Sensei had a joint interview once if I remember.”</p><p>Meanwhile Ichinose kept making weird signaling gestures to Aikawa, which probably translated to “this is the guy I was talking about” or “stay and talk to him.” </p><p>“Let’s don’t remember that one. Anyway, I was just saying goodbye to Erika. It’s nice meeting you Takano. Hiyori. Nice to see you again Kirishima. Give me a call later, Er.” The last was to Ichinose who seemed to be looking at Aikawa with a dark look. Maybe she had hoped Aikawa would stay longer?</p><p>Well, you couldn’t force anything, and it was clear that Aikawa had been forced to come. He could imagine the conversation.</p><p>“Just come, Aikawa. You’ll like him. He’s a great guy,” or whatever stupid things women said when they were trying to fix them up with guys. </p><p>She looked interesting. He liked that fierce look she had directed towards Ichinose before she left. Ritsu had that same kind of look a lot. Shit. Why was he thinking of him in the past? Things weren’t over yet, but while he was waiting, he could look her up and give her a call. Why not?</p><p>Why not? Maybe the question should be why? What purpose would it make? Maybe if he made it clear he wasn’t being serious maybe she would sleep with him? No. She didn’t seem the type for casual relationships. Not that he knew her, but maybe it was her conservative attire that gave him that idea. She had to be in her thirties, and most women wanted the same thing by then: a husband and kids. Life had obviously had other ideas for her. It had to be hard being single at her age. He was not going to mess around with her. And he wasn’t used to women anymore after being so focused on trying to get Ritsu back.</p><p>He had been so sure that he wasn’t going to call herm and yet here he was the next afternoon at work and checking in the internal phone directory to look up her extension, and then calling it. She answered right away, confident, and professional sounding.</p><p>“Hi. Aikawa?”</p><p>“Yes. Who is this?”</p><p>“I met you yesterday. Takano Masamune. Please don’t tell me Ichinose dragged you to meet us yesterday.” More like me, he thought, but he didn’t want to come across as egotistical.</p><p>“Well… maybe.”</p><p>“She needs to concentrate more on her manga and less on her matchmaking.”</p><p>“She doesn’t even realize how transparent she’s being either. You got it right away?”</p><p>“Well, she was giving me these weird looks and signaling with her hands that she wanted you to stay.” </p><p>“It’s so mortifying. If she weren’t my best friend since middle school I wouldn’t have shown up. She’s sweet. She wants to help me, but her idea of help seems to come from her manga plots.”</p><p>“You could be right, although lately her plots have involved the supernatural, so I hope she doesn’t try to bring that into reality.”</p><p>“Ah. I haven’t told you this yet, but the literature editors at Marukawa are host hunters on the side. The ghosts of our angry authors come back to haunt us for having forced them to make their deadlines.”</p><p>“And people say hell week at <i>EmeraldSome time.</i> He derided himself in his head. That meant never. He should either state a time or not ask at all. </p><p>“Maybe. That would be nice. Is next week okay? Assuming I don’t throttle my author with his manuscript?” It was something else how she said that while sounding so upbeat. But he knew what wanting to throttle someone with a manuscript felt like.</p><p>“Yeah. I’ll call you Monday.” <i>Keep it casual.</i></p><p>“Sounds good. Nice talking to you.”</p><p>“Likewise.”</p><p>He was an idiot, but right now he didn’t really care.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>The title is from a song by Richard Thompson sung by Sandy Denny. I Wish I Was a Fool for You (For Shame of Doing Wrong) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HuQlCvmOfnM</p><p>Takano x Aikawa might seem a bit on the crackish side, but I don’t think it’s that off the wall.  Also, if anyone needs love in this universe, Aikawa Eri needs it in spades. She has a thankless job, probably could do with a major raise so let’s give her the troubled but gorgeous glasses wearing chief editor.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. You Are Always Gonna Be the One</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ritsu glanced at the clock. 7:45 pm. Time to meet Kisa for some drinks. He could have left an hour ago, but Maeda’s manuscript was really coming together. He loved this part; figuring out what to change without over editing and Maeda didn’t need much editing. He often changed his mind multiple times on one edit before coming to a final decision. Maeda was the ideal author to work with: patient rather than prickly and so eager to listen to what Ritsu had to say, unlike one author in particular who had been prickly, hard to reach and likened the editing process to dental surgery. The only thing Usami Akihiko had for was his brilliance and his (eventual) desire to write, which made him worth the trouble. This was more satisfying though. Maeda was a bright new talent and Ritsu had discovered her and introducing her to Japan and maybe even the world. </p><p>At the izakaya he ordered something refreshing but light enough that he could have two drinks showing his embarrassing side. It was nice meeting Kisa when they had time. He was his link to his old life at Emerald, and fun to be with, although perhaps a bit on the gossipy side. </p><p>“So, Ricchan, how are things with your athlete?” Case in point. </p><p>“Good. But he’s not my anything. We’re friends, remember?”</p><p>“Oh, come on, if you’re doing it every time you see each other that’s got to mean something!”  Ritsu needed to learn how to keep his mouth shut. Somehow Kisa had a magical gift of getting him to talk. About practically anything. The words practically flew from his mouth. And the alcohol hadn’t helped either. </p><p>“But really we’re just friends. It’s going fine. We get along and -”</p><p>“He’s great in bed, right? Hahaha. There’s my answer. You’re blushing.” Okay. Time to change the subject.</p><p>“Any news at Emerald?” </p><p>“Hmm. Glad it’s going well. In bed.”</p><p>“Kisa!”</p><p>“Sorry. It’s been good, but kind of a weird sort of good. Takano hasn’t yelled nearly as much as he used to. It’s been weeks. Even when one of the authors managed to destroy her entire manuscript and we had to find a sub the day we were supposed to go to print. Before he would have screamed, but he just calmly warned her.”</p><p>“Wow. That’s good, right?”</p><p>“It’s a bit surreal since I’m used to how he used to act, but of course it’s better. Who needs yelling? Let’s see, what else… It’s the same old same old. Oh. I found out a secret about Yoshikawa Chiharu.”</p><p>“He’s a guy?”</p><p>“You knew?”</p><p>“I met him at my first New Year’s Party.”</p><p>“Well, did you know he’s dating Hatori?”</p><p>“That I didn’t know. Weird. I thought Yoshikawa always drove Hatori nuts because of his flakiness. Not my business, although I can’t imagine dating one of my authors, can you?”</p><p>“Well, considering all my authors have been women, it’s never been an issue.” </p><p>Ritsu let himself relax as he sipped his drink as they reminisced on some of their more memorable days at Emerald. Then his phone rang and he frowned as he dug into his shoulder bag. He should just put the phone in his back pocket. Maybe it was Suzuki calling about their date Saturday. The thought made him smile. Suzuki was so easy going. Or maybe it was Takano calling saying he was ready to prove he changed. With that low voice of his. Ritsu found the phone just in time for it to go voicemail. And for him to notice the familiar phone number on the screen. Mother. Wanting to talk about a profile from another nice girl wanting to get married. When would she understand this wasn’t a phase? </p><p>“Everything okay?”</p><p>“Hopefully. It’s my mother. Last time she called she was trying to set up another date.”</p><p>“You haven’t told her?”</p><p>“I did. Months ago. I told both my parents. It was weird, because my father seemed okay with it, like he wasn’t surprised, which was good but weird, but my mother is acting like I never talked to her.”</p><p>“Ah. My mother had that phase. Like if she ignores it, it will go away.”</p><p>“Yeah. I guess I should head home. If I call her here, she’ll hear the background noise and start asking annoying questions.”  That sounded like he was a teenager, but that’s exactly how she was! </p><p>“Good luck. We should do this more often. Just a second. Yukina’s sent mail.” Kisa started furiously typing. “Perfect! He’s finished early!” Kisa had pointed Yukina out to him one time at Books Marimo. With a guy like that no wonder he got excited. </p><p>When Ritsu got home he splayed out on the couch. It was time to make the phone call. What a way to ruin that pleasant buzz he had. But first he could think of his date tomorrow with the ridiculously gorgeous Suzuki Akira. He was something else. From somewhere else. The planet Confidence maybe. Too bad, they were just friends. </p><p>Wait. </p><p>That was good. Takano was changing, becoming a better person. And soon they’d get back together, because the one thing Ritsu knew was they were meant to be. Why else had they met again after ten years in the unlikeliest of ways? And this time it would be easier, with less pressure and more natural. The whole boss and subordinate relationship hadn’t helped them at all. So yes. Takano. There was a reason Ritsu fell for him back in high school. </p><p>And yet. </p><p>It didn’t stop him being excited to meet Suzuki again. And he always was by the time Friday came around. They had a good time, and he enjoyed learning more about the man. So far he knew he’d been raised mostly in Chiba except for around middle school when his parents divorced and he’d moved to California where she had grown up. Last time they ended up comparing their school experiences in America and England and Ritsu got to use his English for the first time in years. Ritsu was proud at how well he still spoke the language. Even better, Suzuki loved his accent. </p><p>He’d also done his share of Gurugle searches, especially the image ones which revealed exactly how hot this guy was when he was 19 with bleached blonde hair. One convenience of dating a former celebrity: there were hundreds of pictures. Ritsu had also shared about his life and even about Takano and how they met. </p><p>Unlike Ritsu (or Takano) Suzuki had a large family. He had four aunts just on his mother’s side and numerous cousins most of them who lived in the United States. He mostly talked about his mother, his brother, and his sister, and barely talked about his father. The Suzuki clan were very educated though. His father was a doctor and researcher, his mother and sister both professors and his brother a pediatrician. It was a good thing they weren’t dating seriously because Ritsu would be too daunted by his family. Not that his family was nothing. Onodera Shuppan had been around since before the Meji Restoration!  </p><p>Family. It was getting late. He frowned at his phone and punched in the familiar number, thinking of how to tell his Mother that dating a woman was not a possibility. Again.</p><p>“Hello.”  Ritsu heard the familiar low voice of his father. </p><p>“Father it’s me, Ritsu.”</p><p>“Ah, thank you for calling back.” Calling <i>him</i> back? </p><p>“Of course. Sorry for taking so long. I thought it was Mother who had called.” Oops. That juxtaposition sounded like he was purposely avoiding his mother, which unfortunately was often the case.  Luckily, the older Onodera seemed to understand and laughed. He had to deal with her and her desperate need to get Ritsu married the most. </p><p>“It was me, although I should warn you, she is looking into another marriage meeting for you.”</p><p>“I wish she would understand it’s not going to work.”</p><p>“It’s hard. You’re her only son. She wants grandchildren.”</p><p>“I’m sorry.”</p><p>“It’s fine. She’ll understand eventually. Hopefully.” Right. </p><p>“You’re okay with this?”</p><p>“Do I have a choice? I’d like grandchildren too, but what I want is for you to be happy, and nobody’s going to be happy if you married a woman. That never ends well.”  Weird. He sounded like he knew from experience. And there it was again, that level of support he wasn’t expecting or even hoping. But then again how much did he even know his father? He was usually at work most of the time. Ritsu heard his father to get his attention. </p><p>“Oh. Yeah. I want to marry err… maybe do adult adoption one day but you’re right.” Ritsu managed to mumble. </p><p>“Well… uh… good luck with that. If you were wondering why I called it’s about the company. Don’t worry. I’m not going to be asking you to take over, but I have some other ideas which do include you. If you’re interested of course. No pressure and it’s not for anytime soon. I just want to keep you in the loop. And I haven’t seen you in a long time.”</p><p>“Yeah, I’m sorry. It’s just been so crazy moving and with my job. I transferred to the Literature department.”</p><p>“Ah, I was going to ask about that. You had a good experience in the manga division?”</p><p>“It was a good learning experience, but it was time to move on. I’m a little nervous. I’m working on a project with a first-time author and it’s coming along well but I’m nervous how the book will be received when it comes out.”</p><p>“Sounds interesting. I want to hear all the details when we meet. It’s soon, but are you busy this Sunday?”</p><p>“I’m available.” </p><p>He finished the phone call with a smile on his face. Mother might be in denial, but at least Father seemed warmer and more approachable than he ever had. </p><p>The next morning, he got up bright and early, which was silly seeing that he wasn’t meeting Suzuki until 1pm at Yoyogi Park for a picnic and to enjoy the weather before it got colder, and then to Suzuki’s to chat, make dinner and have some glorious action in the bedroom. Suzuki kept on surprising Ritsu there. He’d never had done so many different things and had enjoyed most of it and had learned to speak up about the parts he hadn’t. He thought of this as he put some barley tea into a thermos and packed a blanket. Suzuki was bringing the food. </p><p>If only Ritsu could have met him first.</p><p> </p><p>Nonononono. They were friends but that’s it. Takano could call any moment and he had to be ready for that, and he was looking forward to figuring out a relationship that didn’t involve the confusion or frustration of last time, just two adults meeting as equals and starting afresh. That sounded good. Suzuki Akira was an amazing person; an amazing friend who was perfect for now.  Takano was forever.</p><p>When Ritsu arrived at their meeting spot, Suzuki was already there talking to a guy. From his experiences so far with Suzuki, it sounded like he’d dated half of Tokyo younger than 30. Or maybe even 50. A few men and women had waved in a way that suggested a past relationship that wasn’t exactly platonic. Not that it was his business, but it was surreal seeing a guy almost as old as his father waving all happily and Suzuki smiling normally, because he was clearly used to it. </p><p>Suzuki must have loved being a celebrity because aside from loving all these people waving to him happily he practically glowed when a fan recognized him and shyly came over and asked for an autograph in that nervously excited way that Ritsu definitely hadn’t indulged in when Father first introduced him to Sumi Ryouichi.</p><p>Suzuki had so many interesting people he could have chosen to spend time with, and he’s chosen me, Ritsu thought as he walked close enough to hopefully be noticed without disturbing their conversation. So much for not disturbing. Suzuki looked up, smiled and waved Ritsu over. </p><p>“Jason, this is Onodera Ritsu, a friend of mine. This is my cousin, Jason Sena, who’s visiting from California.”</p><p>“Nice to meet you, Onodera. Well, I’ve got to go.  I’ll see you tomorrow at Fumi’s house, Akira.” Fumi. Suzuki’s older sister, who was also his best friend from the way he talked. Sena winked at his cousin and ran off. </p><p>“Oh. Bye! Weird. I told him he could stay but he said he doesn’t want to be a third wheel. I told him we’re friends, but he’s funny that way.” Friends. This man was so gorgeous when he smiled. “You there, Onodera?”</p><p>“Oh yeah. Sorry.”</p><p>“I understand. You get lost in my insanely good looks, right? You don’t have to answer that one.” He laughed.</p><p>“You’re funny.”</p><p>“And you’re delicious. Can I have you for lunch?”</p><p>Ritsu started blushing and stammering. </p><p>“Sorry, I’m being obnoxious.”. </p><p>“Yes, you are.” Ritsu pointed a finger and frowned playfully to emphasize his words. </p><p>“I love when you tell me exactly what you think.” His smile was infectious, and Ritsu found himself laughing like he often did when they were together. Maybe because there was no real future, he could be comfortable seeing they only met not quite two months ago. </p><p>“I was impressed by how fluent your cousin is. Sena’s your mother’s maiden name?” </p><p>“Yeah. His father and my mother are siblings. His name is Hidetoshi but don’t worry, he’s tone-deaf and his wife’s name isn’t Minami.”  </p><p>“Eh? Should I know what you’re talking about?” </p><p>“You never watched <i>Long Vacation</i>? It’s my mom’s favorite drama of all-time. The main character is a piano player and has the same name as my uncle.” </p><p>“Sorry! I didn’t watch much tv growing up. Just the Taiga drama on Sundays. My grandfather used to come over and watch it with us. At first, I usually read but they can be surprisingly interesting sometimes. </p><p>“It’s fine. My mom likes historical dramas also. I'm just glad I wasn't born in the warring states era." </p><p>They found a nice patch of grass to sit on that was in the sun and Suzuki talked about his favorite tv shows Go figure, Suzuki loved variety shows, especially the ones where celebrities did something challenging like wall climbing. Ritsu forgot what tv shows he liked; it had been so long since he watched any. The last time he went home to watch a Taiga drama was when he was still working on Onodera Shuppan and even then, it wasn’t often. Then they’d thankfully moved on to other topics. </p><p>It was weird. For ten years he hadn’t dated anyone, and it had been fine. So why was he sitting with Suzuki and finding him more desirable and gorgeous by the second? No wonder he’d dated all those people! No, that didn’t really explain that, but no wonder people were attracted to him. It had felt good when they’d bumped into his last ex to see her look of disgust just because it was so novel. Until he found out the disgust was based on homophobia. </p><p>All he knew is that nobody looked so sexy in casual wear even if it was just jeans and a tee-shirt. Ritsu was trying to enjoy the view discreetly but failing because Suzuki kept smirking or winking at him. Like they were in middle school and not in their late twenties.</p><p>The more he looked at him the more he wanted him. And by the time they were on the subway to Suzuki’s place he’d thought of a nice surprise. As soon as they had gotten comfortable on the couch he lunged and went for that lovely neck.  </p><p>“Onodera, are you part vampire- ah – AH!”  Ritsu grinned. Yet another first- making the first move. He liked hearing the surprise and pleasure in Suzuki’s voice.</p><p>“Let’s make dinner later,” He managed to breathe out in as seductive a voice as he could manage as he untucked Suzuki’s tee-shirt and started exploring.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Title is also from First Love. Again. Because it fits so well. She's even talking about the last kiss tasting like tobacco. (I always wonder how non-smokers kiss their guys when they  smell and taste like ashtrays.) </p><p>Gurugle - I always use this instead of Google. I saw it in at least two different jdramas and found it hilarious.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Isn’t there Something More Than This?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Eri looked at her watch. If she took data on how long she waited for Usami Akihiko to work it would probably amount to months, years maybe. His penthouse apartment was spacious and comfortable, but it was his arrogance that always got her, like her time didn’t matter at all, as if existed only to serve him.  </p><p>He had been improving somewhat. There was a lot more yelling and waiting before and the Great Lord was not exactly meeting his deadlines but coming close enough to them that it wasn’t an issue.  She always set the deadline at least a couple of weeks early anyway. She suspected it had a lot to do with his ‘tenant’ but kept them to herself. Not that she’d complain. In fact, today was the first in a long time when he’d just let her wait for this long. She checked her watch. 45 minutes! She gazed into the eyes of Suzuki. the ridiculously large Teddy bear seated across from her.</p><p>Maybe it was her lack of sleep, but somehow, she found herself talking to the stuffed toy.</p><p>“You think I’m crazy? Well aside from me talking to a teddy bear. I’m going on my first date in two years. It’s probably pointless. He’s young gorgeous, and brilliant. Why would he go on a date with me?”</p><p>“Sorry, but were you talking to me?”</p><p>Eri almost jumped but it was just Misaki walking down the stairs headed for the kitchen. He yawned and had a massive case of bedheaditis but otherwise looked his usual cute self. Eri had no clue what Misaki saw Usami, but it was heartening how the younger man had changed her author’s life. They were such an odd couple. Usami clearly adored Misaki who countered by trying and failing to convince everybody they weren’t a couple. Oh well, that was their problem, not hers.</p><p>“Ah, good morning. I was just leaving a voice memo for somebody.  I haven’t seen you around lately. You must be busy now that you’re working full-time. At <i>Japun</i>, right? I’ve heard good things about Kirishima.” </p><p>“It’s really busy. This is my first day off in a while. I knew it would be more work, but it’s a lot different than I was expecting and we’re a weekly so every week has at least one crazy day. Kirishima is a great boss though. He’s always calm.  I’m so glad I have him as chief editor. There’s a chief editor who has a reputation for yelling and being kind of mean. I’m glad I don’t work for him.”</p><p>“Who’s that?”</p><p>“Takano something, I think?” He must have seen something change in her expression because he backtracked. “I could be wrong though. You know how office rumors are.” In Eri’s experience, reputations were usually deserved. Great. She was just about to go on a blind date with a total jerk. Stupid Erica and her ridiculous matchmaking ideas. </p><p>“I noticed you got cleaning help.” Which had been good. The place was starting to remind her of the pre-Misaki days. </p><p>“Yeah and we order out on the days it’s really crazy. I don’t really like it but…” He paused and frowned and looked guilty, which was silly. He should see the state of her apartment on ‘hell days’ with her star author. </p><p>“It’s impressive you were able to keep up with the cleaning when you were in school and working part-time.”</p><p>“It was a lot easier. Now. Forget it! I don’t know why but that reminds me. Kirishima took us out the other day and telling us stories about raising his daughter and I was thinking taking care of Usagi isn’t that much different.”</p><p>“Did I just hear you compare me to somebody’s kid?” When had Usami gotten downstairs? He was clutching yet another plushy bear with a lit cigarette in his mouth and his manuscript precariously under the other arm and probably not stapled, maybe because he wanted the papers to go flying all over the floor? Misaki started giggling nervously.</p><p>“Oh, good morning! It’s uh - I think you misunderstood.” Nice try.</p><p>“I’ve met Kirishima’s daughter, and if anything, she’s more competent.” Eri smiled. She couldn’t resist. Usami knew her enough to know when she was joking, and the funniest part was how true it probably was. </p><p>“Hah.” Not being able to argue Usami just stood there with his cigarette dangling out of his mouth while he glared. About time he glared at her instead of her glaring at him for his many infractions.</p><p>Misaki left shortly after and they went over the corrections, which was perfect timing as the younger man hated listening to the sexy passages from the <i>Junai Romantica</i>novels, and she couldn’t blame him. She wouldn’t want to be turned into a character in an erotica novel, although she loved reading them! She didn’t understand why she found them so romantic and alluring but there it was. But when she read the manuscripts, she focused on it being about a completely fictional Takahashi. He certainly didn’t act anything remotely like the real one. </p><p>Going over the edits was shockingly simple. Instead of constantly fighting about almost every correction like they normally did, it felt almost miraculous how much they were on the same page, and any disagreements were worked out smoothly to the point where she was tempted to check his temperature or accuse him of being an imposter.</p><p>Then she went to work just in time for a call from Erica.</p><p>“Yes, Ms. Ichinose, I am at work. What’s up?”</p><p>“Is that how you answer the phone from your nearest and dearest friend? Ms. Ichinose?”</p><p>“What do you want?”</p><p>“I just want to talk to you about your date. I’ve been a good little author and not only am I not going to be late this month, I’m a few days early, and it’s all in honor of you and him getting together tonight.”</p><p>“‘Getting together?’ You know this could be a bust, Er?” she smiled, remembering how the two were of them were called the Er Twins back in high school when they did everything together.</p><p>“Don’t be so pessimistic. He’s perfect for you. He’s tall, gorgeous, intelligent, has a sense of humor and isn’t threatened by intelligent women. He’ll definitely fall for you and he’ll forget about his ex.”</p><p>“Ah, so he has an ex?”</p><p>“Don’t we all?”</p><p>“I mean he’s recently gone through a breakup?”</p><p>“So, it seems. He’s very private, but that’s the story. Well at least that’s what I was able to get from my informant.”</p><p>“Your informant? What are you in Public Security or something?” </p><p>“I really should have been. No. One of his subordinates is a talker, that’s all.” </p><p>“I can’t believe you.”</p><p>“It’s all for a good cause!”</p><p>“Thanks. I think?”</p><p>“Call me tomorrow and tell me how it went.”</p><p>“Fine.”</p><p>Fortunately, Eri’s day was so busy, before she knew it, it was time to go home and get ready.</p><p>The plan was to meet at the restaurant. It was a newish Mexican fusion restaurant that had gotten excellent reviews.</p><p>Eri arrived first. As hard as she tried to arrive even just a little late, she almost always arrived five minutes early. She sat down at the table and took a deep breath. There was no need to be nervous. It was just a date, and she’d had more than enough disappointing dates over the years. And Marukawa was a large building and they worked on different floors so if it bombed, she wouldn’t have to worry about any awkward meetings in the future.  </p><p>She had her first date at 19. That meant over twelve years of dating and twelve years of guys who thought she was either too plain or too smart or didn’t put out enough or made too much money or didn’t make enough. </p><p>Except for Hanazawa Kisaku. Maybe in an alternate universe he was still alive, and they were married with a family. They had been perfect for each other. She’d known it right when they met at university.</p><p>Takano didn’t look like him at all. Kisaku had been short, slight, and shy. He later told her that he almost never hit it off with people right away, but somehow, she had been different. This was bad. She pondered Takano Masamune. He was tall, broad shouldered and unbelievably gorgeous, especially in those glasses, he looked so intellectual. And from what she’d been told about him and from the short conversation he seemed more distant than shy. They probably had a fair amount in common, both having years of experience dealing with recalcitrant authors.</p><p>And there he was walking up to their table. Although He didn’t seem shy, he wasn’t radiating self-confidence either. Maybe it was the setting. Blind dates were an exercise in frustration and awkwardness to begin with. Maybe he was regretting asking her out and she was being negative again, when she was smart, funny, and reasonably good looking. Of course, he’d be interested. And just keep saying that to yourself. </p><p>“Hi. Sorry I’m late.”</p><p>“You’re not that late. I was early. I have a bad habit of always arriving at least five minutes early to anything.”</p><p>“How’s that a bad habit? It shows consideration for the people you’re meeting.”</p><p>“Thank you.”</p><p>“So, Ichinose called about the date today. She’s early with her work, though, so I can’t complain.”</p><p>“She’s relentless. She wanted to do a whole run through with me. It’s like I’m her teenage sister or something, even though I’ve been dating since I was 19. I’m 32 by the way.” Might as well get that out of the way.</p><p>“I’m 29, turning 30 soon. How long have you been working at Marukawa?”</p><p>“Twelve years. I started as a part-timer when I was still in college. My first author was Usami Akihiko. I was his second editor. We argue a lot and he drives me crazy half the time, but we work well together.”</p><p>“What’s he like?”</p><p>“He’s very private, and mostly in a world of his own making, at least that’s what he used to be before he met Takahashi.”</p><p>“Don’t worry. So Takahashi’s his girlfriend?”</p><p>“Something like that.” </p><p>“Something like that? Oh. Boyfriend. Got it.” </p><p>“Except nobody’s supposed to know that. Really. Isaka would have my head if that got out.”</p><p>“I’m not saying anything. I guess all those rumors pairing him with different women are made up?”</p><p>“Complete fabrications. I think Isaka is the one who makes them up.”</p><p>“That makes sense. It’s fine, though. I had a feeling he wasn’t into women from his books.”</p><p>“Seriously? How?”</p><p>“Well maybe because it takes one to know one?”</p><p>“Uh, I’m not sure if I understood?” If he didn’t like women what was he doing here now? Did that mean his ex was a man? Which was fine, but why waste her time? </p><p> Takano seemed to read her mind, or maybe her expression.</p><p>“Sorry, I’m not explaining myself well. How does the expression go? I swing both ways?”</p><p>“You mean both men and women?”</p><p>“Yeah something like that. Well, not at the same time. Well, not since college, anyway. I hope that doesn’t freak you out. I wanted to let you know right away, so maybe it’s good you slipped up about your author. And I wouldn’t say anything. I know what it’s like to have to keep things quiet. My last relationship was like that. </p><p>“It doesn’t freak me out. I’ve been Usami Akihiko’s editor for years and have enough friends who are homosexual.” Or did it? Why should his having had boyfriends be any different than his having girlfriends? It really wasn’t. How ironic. The fujoshi being flummoxed by dating a man who had an ex-boyfriend. </p><p>“That’s good to know.” </p><p>“So aside from being an editor what do you like to do?”</p><p>“That’s assuming I like being an editor. Okay, so the truth is I do enjoy it. I don’t tend to have a lot of spare time, but I like reading, mostly literature and philosophy. Since my day is filled with Shoujo manga, I tend to avoid anything remotely like that when I’m reading for enjoyment. Funnily enough, Usami Akihiko’s my favorite authors since high school.” Takano looked surprisingly wistful, almost fanboyish. Kind of sweet that somebody as annoying and difficult as Usami Akihiko could reach so many different types of people through his writing.   </p><p>“I tend to look for light romantic comedies in my spare time, especially when Usami’s novels seemed to be at their darkest.”</p><p>“Do you have any hobbies?”</p><p>“I’ve almost completely forgotten what I like to do. Okay, that’s not completely true. I like travelling, even just going somewhere close by.  I used to knit when I was younger, but I’ve been too busy. I like cooking, swimming and I love those baseball cages. I’ve become really good at hitting.” </p><p>“Nice. I’ve never been.” </p><p>They continued talking about safe topics, but the awkward politeness which seemed to hover over them never left. It was like being at a wedding and forced to talk to the stranger sitting next to you so you both put on these fake smiles and try to be as polite as possible. He was nice but it seemed like she was talking to the 2D version while the real Takano was somewhere else. And where was the real her? Not here at this restaurant. Maybe at her apartment hiding underneath the covers. </p><p>Maybe she was expecting too much. First dates were mostly to see if there was potential, and he had potential. It just felt they were almost going somewhere and then hitting a dead end. Like a more exciting date was waiting for them, but just out of reach.  <br/>Along with an awkward date came an awkward ending.  It felt like being in high school. Would he kiss her? Or just say goodbye? She’d almost felt sorry for him, seeing he was the one who was expected to make the first move. Then he leaned down - she didn’t realize just how tall he was. He seemed to be thinking of kissing her on the lips but must have changed his mind because he ended up pecking her on the cheek. She hid her disappointment. He was probably an amazing kisser. </p><p>One good thing was if he had anger management problems, he hadn’t acted like it, even when the cook messed up his order twice. Or maybe this wasn’t what got him riled up?</p><p>Something told her it wasn’t going to matter. Takano Masamune was joining a long list of men who never bothered to call her back.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Title from Something More Than This by October Project</p><p>I tried to evoke that feeling of awkward first dates. </p><p>Kisa is Ichinose’s ‘informant.’ That’s probably obvious. </p><p>And another probably obvious point: Takano is not wistful about reading Usami Akihiko short stories but from his memories of High School Ritsu.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Beautiful World</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>There might be triggering stuff here although nothing is discussed in detail: basically an underage and nonconsensual sexual relationship.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Akira frowned as he watched the US Open on the television. Part of him would always wonder what if. What if he hadn’t gotten into the car when his old coach had shown up after that last tournament? What if he had politely declined instead of letting his feelings of misplaced guilt get in the way? Maybe he’d be at the US Open instead of on the couch holding a remote. </p><p>He turned off the tv and did what he always did when he started to feel this way. He got up and went for a walk. He was lucky to be alive and living a full active life even if he’d never play professionally again. </p><p>And Onodera Ritsu was helping make life fun again. Their set up was perfect. Onodera had his ex-boyfriend he’d eventually go back to and Akira had his ex who he was still trying to get out of his system. He was cute, intelligent and fun to be with; those beautiful emerald eyes and those expressions he made in bed; he was expressive in general. He was just so sweet. </p><p>Still, what if he was pro and dating Onodera. Unlikely, but it sounded nice. What if he were dating someone like Onodera and still playing, winning, and the endorsement deals had been sweet too, instead of being someone whose most important days were in the past. </p><p>Everything had seemed so good when he moved back to Tokyo to finish middle school after almost five years of living in California where he’d moved with his mother and sister after his parents had divorced. He had a place to stay -his grandfather’s house in affluent Azabu- a coach who genuinely wanted to help him realize his dreams, new friends and had gotten into a good school geared towards kids who spent more time out of class than in due to their careers. </p><p>Grandpa and his nice but closeted partner gave him a lot of space. They were kind of cute although so funny in how different they were. Grandpa living in yukatas with his scraggly shoulder length hair stuffed into a ponytail like he was a refugee from a historical drama, his partner whose name he didn’t quite remember. No he did remember. Onohara who wore three-piece suits and always had perfectly coiffed hair sitting at his desk doing whatever people like him did at desks. </p><p>Akira was so busy either at school, practice or travelling for tournaments that he didn’t see them often. He liked catching them in semi-private moments. Like how they looked at each other when they didn’t realize Akira was watching with love, affection and sometimes exasperation or little touches like one of them ruffling the other’s hair. Who knew you could express love with such simple gestures? Then they’d notice Akira and Grandpa would smirk and Onohara would pretend nothing had happened. </p><p>For old men, they were surprisingly cute. When he got older, he wanted something like that. Maybe in a less musty house and if he ended up with a guy he wouldn’t hide it. </p><p>The one time he tried to get Onohara to talk had been a complete fail. He should have tried with Grandpa, but he was on another short trip to who knows where. Still, being the stubborn guy, Akira pressed on. </p><p>“So how long have you known my grandpa?”</p><p>“Since we were eight. He pushed me in a mud puddle. I pushed him back. We became best friends.” Okay. That was kind of cute, although Grandpa sounded like he’d be much more at home in a mud puddle than Onohara, who had probably been horrified if he were anything the way he was like now. </p><p>“So, uh, when did you realize that you liked each other?”</p><p>“I just said. We were eight.”</p><p>“Ah, I only asked because I realized myself that I liked a boy my age right before I moved here. He’s in California though, so I guess that’s it.”</p><p>“Well, I’m sure you’ll find other friends here.” It was so annoying how Onohara acted so purposely obtuse. It had to be purposeful, the way he was frowning. Which was not a good thing at all. </p><p>That night he couldn’t sleep -the next day they were headed to Fukuoka for a tournament- and went to the kitchen to get something to drink when he heard the voices. It wasn’t like he was trying to eavesdrop, but they were talking loudly. </p><p>“Haru, your bright grandson knows.” Haru. Who called Grandpa that? So cute! </p><p>“Knows what, Kyosuke?” </p><p>“About us. You told me he wouldn’t notice, but of course he figured it out. I don’t want to talk about it but maybe we should.”</p><p>“Tell him what?” </p><p>“That we’re uh....”</p><p>“You want to tell him, yet you can’t even talk about it when we’re alone?” Woah. That was quick and frighteningly reminiscent of a certain parent he’d been avoiding since moving back to Japan. It didn’t help that they sounded so much alike to begin with. “You know how I feel about all this. I don’t see the point. We’re old men and nobody gives a shit about us or what we’re doing. My son already disowned me years ago.” Akira frowned. Grandpa’s son being his father. He really should have left, but somehow he couldn’t.</p><p> “Anyway, your lovely grandson was trying to get me to talk. I guess he’s taking after you. He looks enough like you. Every time I see him it brings me back. We were around his age when we finally… you know.” </p><p>“I know. So, talk to him. He’s harmless. What’s the problem?” </p><p>“It would be extremely awkward, and he is your grandson after all.”</p><p>“Yes. Civilized people don’t do this sort of thing, or at least not talk about it, especially when they come from a family like yours. So, don’t talk to him. He’ll be fine. Can we go to bed already?”</p><p>At this point Akira had ran to his room, hoping they hadn’t seen him and that he wouldn’t hear anything interesting. Would they even do anything interesting at their age? They had to be in their seventies. He wanted to be the type of guy who still did exciting bedroom activities when he was an old man. </p><p>In the end he’d been too busy to pursue anything. Busy training with his coach who seemed to have much more time to spend on him than he did with the other boys he coached. He took him out to eat and got him special presents.</p><p>Like a lot of problematic relationships, everything was fine until it wasn’t. They were in Sapporo. Akira was feeling amazing after winning. He was still pumped up after his shower and was relaxing watching television. Coach was over and drinking. Maybe too much Akira realized too late as he noticed him lying on Akira’s bed. </p><p>“Akira, come here.” </p><p>“Uh, I think I’ll just have an early night. Thanks for everything Coach.”</p><p>“You’re so young and beautiful.” He still remembered the shock, as his coach started pawing him and touching him where he shouldn’t. “I love you,” his coach murmured, his breath a mixture of cigarettes and beer.</p><p>It had all been so confusing. This was different than how it was with his cousin’s best friend in California and it made him uneasy and conflicted. His coach was older and married and he didn’t want this. He just wanted to play tennis. But he needed his coach. He knew everyone and could get him a place on the Olympic team. Without him his career was finished, and was it so bad every so often if they did things together? It felt good. And Coach loved him. Was it so bad what they were doing?</p><p>And he was doing so well. Coach would help him. Things stayed pretty much the same for the next two years. Then on a visit to his mother he met Sara at a party, and they started dating. Coincidentally, she was planning to spend a year in an exchange problem her university had with Mitsuhashi. He figured Coach would understand. He was married. He might have been expecting some disappointment when he told Coach he’d be sharing a hotel room with Sara for the next tournament. She had time off and they needed to spend more time together. He was wrong.</p><p>“Did you really just say you had a girlfriend and you want to spend time together with her?”</p><p>“Well, yeah. Things change. So, I’ll ask Takemi to make the arrangements. Thanks for everything.” He hadn’t counted on Coach flipping out and raping him while screaming insults at him.  He cancelled his plans with Sara which had led to her breaking up with him. He managed to make it through the tournament, and then trudged home like a wounded animal.  How had his life ended up like this? Wasn’t he going to be the best Tennis player in Japan, no, the best in the world? Why was he here at his grandparents’ home crying his eyes out?</p><p>It didn’t sound like anyone was home. Maybe he should call his mother? No, she would feel horrible, and what would that accomplish when she was thousands of kilometers away? What the hell was going to happen to him? He hadn’t realized how loudly he was crying.</p><p>“Aki?” Oh great. It was Onohara. Formal as usual. How long had he stayed by them without really getting to know them? Why did that bother him? Still, he needed to do the right thing. He rubbed his eyes. </p><p>“Just a second?” He put on clean clothing and opened the door to find him holding a tray with breakfast. Miso soup, broiled fish, pickles, tamagoyaki and rice, just like Grandma in California made. Yum.</p><p>“Do you wish to eat here or downstairs?” Akira smiled. This man was so formal but so western at the same time, like he’d stepped out of a British film from the 1940’s. He found it sweet and quaint, although he’d never tell him that.</p><p>“I’ll go downstairs. I’m not really dressed though.” Somehow his tee shirt and shorts felt like underwear next to this man’s get up.</p><p>“You shouldn’t let that concern you.”</p><p>They sat down. </p><p>Akira didn’t realize how starving he was. And the food was good. </p><p>“Akira,” Onohara frowned, “We have not been very honest with you. You might not have realized but Haru - that is, your grandfather and I are more than just old friends.”  Which should have been funny since he found all this out years before. But Onohara didn’t know that. He opted for feigning ignorance.</p><p>“What? Really?”</p><p>“This is not something I would normally feel comfortable telling you, but I hope in that light maybe you could tell me what is bothering you. Is it about your friend?”</p><p>“Ah. Wow. I’m honored that you’ve told me, but nothing’s wrong, so you shouldn’t worry about me.”</p><p>“Is that why you have been in your room for hours crying?” Shit. Onohara was there the whole time?  “I understand your need for privacy. You do not have to tell me anything, but we are concerned. I could not help but notice the bruises on your legs and your face. If the person you care about is treating you badly-”</p><p>“Grandfather-”</p><p>“I know we haven’t been close, so you probably won’t believe me when I tell you I think of you like my own grandchild. I have a grandchild only a couple of years younger than you in fact.”</p><p>“Thank you. I- it’s complicated. The person who I’m with is very jealous. I don’t even know what he thinks about me because he’s married.”</p><p>“He’s married? How much older is he?”</p><p>“He’s twenty years older, but he only wants to be with me. He says I’m special. He’s the only one who can help me reach my potential.”</p><p>“Are you talking about your coach?”</p><p>“Well, yeah. The thing is I met this girl in California and she’s here studying for a year. I wanted to bring her to the last tournament.  I’m bisexual -I go for girls also, so well, anyway he was jealous and he didn’t mean to hurt me he was just upset, so I asked her not to come and then she dumped me.”</p><p>“I understand what you’re saying. I hadn’t heard of the term. I guess you could say I am- well, we might have something else in common.” Onohara looked so uncomfortable going out of his comfort zone to help Akira. He never forgot that feeling of comfort, love and acceptance.  </p><p>The next thing he knew his mother had come in and had ‘fired’ Coach. He had felt betrayed at first. Hadn’t Coach and him been connected in a way that couldn’t be severed so easily? Then he started therapy and discovered the bitter truth. Everything had been lies. His coach had been a pedophile and he probably wasn’t the first of his victims either. </p><p>Once he started working with his new coach, it had become obvious how imprisoned he’d been by his strange ‘relationship’. Life was so much simpler. He’d found a new love, and when he ended up winning gold in Singles Tennis two years later in the Olympics, he realized if he hadn’t changed coaches, he’d never have gotten there. If only Grandpa had lived long enough to see him get gold. </p><p>He also became a media darling. Everyone loved him. He’d gotten sponsorships from multiple large corporations plus advertising and prize money. He’d been able to close on a condo easily and bought his first car. Everything had been going so well, until the accident, no, the assault where he lost everything.</p><p>But almost ten years later he was just Suzuki Akira. He wasn’t doing badly as an athletic trainer for the Hitachi SunRockers. If he couldn’t be a professional athlete at least he was supporting them. And when sometimes an old fan would recognize him and ask for his autograph that was nice too.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Song is Beautiful World by Utada Hikaru</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Do Friends Treat Me Like You Do?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>In the end two weeks flew by before Ritsu met his father for lunch one Friday.  It felt nostalgic. He hadn’t been at Onodera Shuppan since he quit. His father was still on the phone when he arrived, so. Ritsu sat down and checked his phone. Go figure. Suzuki was at Marukawa meeting his editor.  He wasn’t sure when they started emailing each other so often but it made his day more interesting.</p><p>He let himself wonder what Suzuki had in store for them that weekend. He was usually the one who planned their outings. He had a way of finding out of the way places or interesting events that Ritsu had never heard of, and they’d go to Suzuki’s afterward, which was good because as much as Ritsu was trying to improve his housekeeping, he’d been too busy for trivial activities like folding clothing. He’d pack the overnight bag later. </p><p>“Ritsu, sorry about that phone call. Come have something to eat.” He looked up to see his father motioning him to his desk.  </p><p>“Thanks. I’m sorry I haven’t visited enough lately.” </p><p>“I see you’ve been busy. Isaka kindly gave me this this.” His father was holding a preview copy of Maeda’s novel and looked proud. “I’ve only had time to read a little, but it looks promising.”</p><p>“I hope so. We won’t know what happens though until it’s published.”</p><p>“When is that?”</p><p>“In about six months.” </p><p>“Good luck with that.” </p><p>“Thank you.” </p><p>There was an awkward pause and his father coughed. If it were someone else, somebody Ritsu knew better, maybe he’d laugh and they’d start acting normal, except this polite but constrained way was their normal. He tried to be patient as he waited for his father to collect his thoughts. </p><p>“This is a little awkward, for both of us, I’m sure, but are you dating anyone?” That wasn’t what he’d been expecting at all. His father knew that any somebody he dated was a man. And yet he was going out of his way to ask anyway? Before he could respond his father responded for him.</p><p>“It’s fine. I shouldn’t have asked. I know we haven’t had the greatest relationship. I was always too busy when you were growing up and I know I can’t make up for that.”  </p><p>Ritsu blinked. In two sentences his father managed to say more than in years of conversations they’d had. Had he always been this direct? Maybe this is what he was like when it came to business. </p><p>“I don’t mind you asking. I just wasn’t expecting it. It’s a little complicated. I’m not dating right now, but I made a friend recently. We see each other on the weekends. We’re different from each other but we get along and he’s fun to be with.” </p><p>“I’m glad. It doesn’t bother me, Ritsu. At some point it did, but if you’re happy. </p><p>“When your grandmother died there were two middle aged men who lived nearby who often brought over food and treats for us. They knew we were orphans, but they didn’t treat us that way. Later I realized they were a couple. I think knowing them might have helped me understand you more. I hope. They were very different from each other but even when I was a kid, I realized they cared about each other.” </p><p>“That’s sweet. What happened to them?” </p><p>“I don’t know.” Wherever they are Ritsu owed them a debt of gratitude.</p><p>“It’s funny how you can get along well with somebody who’s different. My friend and I have a lot of differences, like how he used to be a professional athlete and I could have been a professional reader.”</p><p>“You might not have been pro back then but as an editor you are a professional reader.”</p><p>“You’re right. I’ve got my dream job. Suzuki would hate it though.”  </p><p>“Suzuki?” </p><p>“His name is Suzuki Akira. You’ve probably heard of him. That’s another thing. I never thought I’d become friends with a former celebrity. He used to be a professional Tennis player and he won gold in the Olympics when he was only 18 or something.” Was his imagination or had his father looked a little shocked as he was talking? It certainly took a bit for him to respond.</p><p>“Of course. Everyone’s heard of him. How did you meet?” What was that weird pause about? He had the strange feeling his father was hiding something, but he didn’t ruin the positive atmosphere.</p><p>“I started to have more spare time when I transferred to the literature department, and I saw an ad for a beginning tennis class and decided to try it out. I didn’t enjoy it, but Suzuki was a substitute for one of the teachers. We became friends.” He conveniently left out the part about the benefits. </p><p>“That’s great.” </p><p>They spoke a little about Marukawa and Ritsu’s experiences at <i>Emerald</i> and now at his now department and then the uncomfortable silence came back. Ritsu cleared his throat.</p><p>“Yeah. So, um…” </p><p>“You’re wondering why I wanted to meet you at the company and not at home. Good question, but I think you probably already know the answer.” </p><p>“Mother.” </p><p>“Exactly. I’m not ready for her to know what we’re discussing. I’ll talk to her another time. It’s about the future of Onodera Shuppan. You know this already, that with each generation ownership has been passed down from father to son. But it can come with a cost. My father has told me on multiple occasions about the pressures of being the heir when he was growing up so much that he decided he wouldn’t pressure his children. He’s always told me it should be a choice. At first, I figured Ritsu – that is, my older brother Ritsu- would inherit, but when he died I decided pretty quickly I wanted to be the heir, but at no time did my father pressure me. I’ve always felt it was a choice I made.</p><p>“So now we come to you. You’re the only child, the presumed heir. My father has asked me on many occasions not to pressure you, and I apologize because between myself and your mother we haven’t been good at following his wishes.” </p><p>“Well yeah, Mother’s been telling me about my responsibilities to the company for years now. She’s always saying I’m the future face of Onodera Shuppan! And yet now you’re telling me I always had a choice?” </p><p>“Yes, and that’s the main reason we’re meeting here. Also, as much as she cares about company, she doesn’t make the decisions. Again, I apologize for giving you unnecessary pressure all this time. It’s not like it made any change. You’re perfectly good at making your own decisions for yourself. </p><p>“And that’s why I wanted to meet, so we could catch up and discuss an idea I have. You know how your cousin Eiji has been working here for a while.” </p><p>“He’s a controller, right.” </p><p>“Exactly. You’ve been keeping up. He’s always been interested in the business aspect of the company, but even if he became president, I’d still want another person who can provide creative leadership; someone like you. If that doesn’t interest you, there might be another suitable position which might be good for you.”</p><p>“I’d love to come back to the company, but I’m not so sure about the leadership aspect.” </p><p>“I’ve been watching you while you’ve been at Marukawa. You’ve shown leadership on multiple occasions. You’re accountable for your mistakes and you’ve shown initiative in both departments you’ve worked in. Isaka told me how you didn’t hesitate to go to him about this new author.. He respects you, and so do I.” Oh great. Why did Father have to be friends with Isaka? Weren’t they supposed to be competitors? “It’s also partly selfish. I’d love to see you back here before I retire.” </p><p>“Wow. I have a lot to think about. What’s the time frame for all of this?” </p><p>“The earliest we’d implement any plan is three years. It will probably be closer to five. I rather enjoy my current job after all.” His father’s smirk reminded Ritsu how Grandpa always seemed somewhat wistful when talking about the company, like it was one of his children.  </p><p>“That makes sense. How is Grandpa doing by the way? I should call him more. Isn’t he supposed to have a knee replacement done soon?” </p><p>“I see you do call him sometimes. It’s next week. We were delaying it. It’s a relatively simple procedure, but the recovery time can be difficult and he’s not as strong as he used to be.” </p><p>“I’ll stop by this weekend then. Is Sunday afternoon good?” </p><p>“Of course.” </p><p>“I’m just nervous about seeing Mother. She’ll probably hand me more dating profiles.” </p><p>“Yes, you’re probably right. I’ve tried to talk to her but it’s going to take more time. Eventually, she’ll understand.” That sounded highly unlikely to Ritsu. </p><p>The meeting had started out so awkward and yet had gone so well. Almost too well. Ritsu frowned. He wasn’t going to think that way. Sometimes everything went well because that’s just how it was. He was starting to sound like Suzuki.  Suzuki. What was he doing now? Ritsu started preparing an email as he travelled back to work. </p><p>I just finished having lunch with my father. It went surprisingly well. I never thought he’d accept me this much. I told him about you.</p><p>No, that last sentence sounded like they were dating. He replaced it with the tamer sounding <br/>how’s your day going?</p><p>He sent the mail. There was so much work now that they had a publishing date for Maeda’s book. He wasn’t directly involved in the promotion aspect of the work he still needed to be included in the discussions. They were already getting her spots on different shows for months from now. Ritsu had sometimes found working on manga to be relentless and exhausting but it could have been worse. He could have had to work in the promotion department. </p><p>It was like a dream working in literature again and now he discovered a new talent who could become the next brilliant author. Unlike Usami Akihiko, who’d already made his reputation by the time he’d signed a three-book deal at Onodera, this would be Maeda’s debut and Ritsu’s first success in publishing and his last name hadn’t played a part at all. It was stupid but he’d still felt rancor for those editors who’d complained about him only getting to be Usami’s editor because of his father. He wasn’t into getting payback normally, but somehow it felt good to imagine him confronting them and getting right into their faces like a melodramatic tv drama and yelling defiantly:</p><p>“So, you think I only got my job because I’m an Onodera? Well look at me now!” </p><p>If Maeda’s book were a success, then maybe other parts of his life would start to come together too. Like Takano. Maybe he’d call soon. He hadn’t spoken to Kisa in a few weeks, but every time they spoke it sounded like Takano kept improving. Takano would call and they’d finally fix everything that was wrong in their relationship, although that might take awhile, because what wasn’t wrong with it?</p><p>As if in response, he got another mail from Suzuki with a picture of the man smiling in front of the Marukawa building. <i>I thought you’d like to know my editor is happy with me right now and it’s all your influence!</i> Ritsu couldn’t help notice the tee-shirt or how it showed off his muscles. He quickly wrote back.</p><p><i>Does that mean you’re still here? I just got back.</i> </p><p>
  <i>Darn. I must have just missed you! I just got on the train.</i>
</p><p>Ritsu laughed as Suzuki sent a series of characters with sad faces. He was so funny sometimes. Too bad they couldn’t still be friends if he started seeing Takano again, but that would be impossible.</p><div class="center">
  <p>
    <b>***</b>
  </p>
</div>Akira passed another beer to his older sister. She had come over for a pity party for yet another failed relationship. This time it was Fumi’s turn to mope. Between the two of them, they’d had way too many pity parties over the years. Fumi didn’t have the best luck with men and Akira probably had worse luck in both men and women. <p>“I still can’t believe he said you were too smart, as if that was a bad thing.” </p><p>“After he complained for fifteen minutes about my career being the focus of my life.” </p><p>“Because he still thinks it’s Showa and you should be waiting at the door to take his briefcase every night perfectly dressed and dinner on the table perfectly prepared.” </p><p>“I’ll just add it to the list of my deficiencies. Too many degrees, too American, too smart.”</p><p>“That’s such bullshit! It’s an excuse. They don’t have enough confidence. They want to break up because they’re intimidated by you.”</p><p>“Yeah. Mom had it the same way with Father. He wanted her to quit when they got married.” </p><p>“Do me a favor and don’t bring up that bastard. This is a pity party not a burning hatred one.”</p><p>“Good idea. At least you’re not dating Masako anymore. I still don’t understand how you lasted a week with her. She’s so nasty. Even Reiko can’t stand her.” Reiko was Masako’s first cousin and best friends with Fumi. He knew Reiko couldn’t get along with her from the beginning which should have been a warning, but Akira had been too blind. The worst part was he couldn’t even remember what he’d seen in her. </p><p>“Let’s not talk about her either.” </p><p>“Fine. You’re a lot better off now. Let’s talk more about that new guy you’re seeing. You’ve barely told me anything, and why are making that sad little face?” </p><p>“Sad little face? Am I eight years old?”</p><p>“No, but you don’t look much different from back then when you were sad about something.” </p><p>“The reason I haven’t told you about him is because we’re not really going out. We’re friends.”</p><p>“With benefits? Ah-ha! Akira you are such an open book. You look so cute when you blush.”</p><p>“Thank you, and you’re not going to look so cute after I dump this beer over your head. But you’re right. We’re friends and maybe something more, but it’s becoming frustrating because we used to just see each other every weekend, but now lately it’s like he’s emailing me all the time.”</p><p>“Is he getting clingy?”</p><p>“That’s not the problem. I’m texting him all the time too. I’m starting to wonder what we are, though. Are we still just friends? Because lately it feels different, or maybe it’s because I’m starting to want more, and that’s bad. It’s so annoying though. I can’t get him out of my head.”</p><p>“That doesn’t sound bad to me. It sounds good. Unless he treats you badly. He’s a nice guy?”</p><p>“Yeah, he’s special. He’s a bit tsundere, but I kind of like it, and he’s smart and cute and fun to be with.”</p><p>“Okay, so now I’m completely confused. What am I missing because everything sounds great.” </p><p>“The part where he’s got an ex who he’s still in love with.”</p><p>“Oh, that’s… Akira, you don’t have any luck at all, do you.”</p><p>“Why, thanks, I didn’t realize.”</p><p>“Something doesn’t add up. First, are you sure your friend still loves his ex? For all you know he’s feeling the same way about you.” </p><p>“Don’t say that. It would get my hopes up and this is highly unlikely. His ex is his first love. They met in high school and he’s 27 they had to be dating for a long time. I am such an idiot to start something with him when I knew we couldn’t get serious, but I thought it would be fun, but here I am falling for him and there’s no way I can compete with something like that. Even if his ex sounds like an insensitive bastard who doesn’t deserve crap.”</p><p>“Not that you’re biased or anything.”</p><p>“Not at all!  I just can’t explain it though. Why I like him so much. I guess I just like him. He can be fierce, and we just clicked from the beginning.”</p><p>“So, tell him.”</p><p>“You’re right. Every week I’m dreading he’s going to tell me he’s getting back together with the asshole.”</p><p>“Wow. Strong language.”</p><p>“Yeah, well, My friend might have told me about something his ex did that was… bad.” Akira still couldn’t understand the story when Onodera had told him it. No wonder he broke up with the guy. It didn’t matter if Onodera had shown poor judgment letting his other friend stay at his apartment, once you cross the line into rape that’s it. And yet Onodera clearly loved the guy anyway. WHY? </p><p>“Well, I support you. You know that, right? I’m being serious now.”</p><p>“Thanks. I know. You’re my favorite sister.”</p><p>“Idiot! I’m your only sister.”</p><p>“You’re the best. Thanks.” His situation wasn’t hopeful, but somehow just talking to Fumi made it easier. Things might not go well in the future with Onodera, but he always had his big sister.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Chapter title is from Friends by Ed Sheeran</p><p>I've always thought Onodera's lack of confidence was partly the reason he didn't feel like he couldn't fill a leadership role.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Alive Again</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Was he an idiot or was he an idiot? What was his problem? Who asks someone on a date when they’re in love with somebody else? And what made it worse was how obvious it was that Aikawa Eri hadn’t dated in a long time. There was something about her that had seemed eager yet at the same time disillusioned, and here he was wasting her time, when his life was effectively on hold until he sorted everything out with Onodera. He was almost ready to make the call but he had to be 100% confident he wouldn’t hurt him again first.</p><p>Poor Aikawa. She deserved better and that date had been awkward and uncomfortable from beginning to lend.  They had what to talk about, but it was like eating a dish that was missing a key ingredient, and without it everything tastes off.</p><p>The only thing mildly entertaining had been Aikawa’s reaction when she thought he was saying he was gay. It had quickly changed into a look of such ferocity and shit, that made her look hot. </p><p>Maybe that was his type? Cute, nice, and mild mannered but knew how to bite back? Like Onodera. He was usually polite, but when he got angry, he let you know, which made him even more delectable than he already was with his dark green eyes and gorgeous body and why was he thinking of Onodera?</p><p>They both had been stuck in that weird awkward first-date mode the entire time. You’d think his years of editing Shōjo manga might have helped him a bit, but then again real life didn’t come with sparkles and flowery guys. He was the stereotypical main character who starts out as a complete jerk and ends up as… a complete jerk.</p><p>This was ridiculous. He was at work and he needed to concentrate. Every day that passed was a step closer to hell week. T-2 days. The one good side about having a relentless never-ending schedule: he could drown himself in work and forget about frustrating dating experiences.</p><p>The phone rang and Hatori picked up.</p><p>“Ichinose Erica, Chief!” </p><p>Perfect. She’d probably yell at him for not contacting Aikawa since the date. He answered the phone, deciding to go with the ‘pretend to be oblivious’ route.</p><p>“Hello. Thank you for getting the chapter back early. It’s making a big difference this month.”</p><p>“Don’t count on it happening again. Well, I might consider it if a certain editor called back a certain friend of mine.”</p><p>Takano cursed himself for ever dating a close friend of Ichinose. </p><p>“I wasted enough of her time. If I call her back what would it accomplish?”</p><p>“Don’t people go on at least two dates before they make a decision not to pursue somebody?”</p><p>“I have a good reason not to pursue this, and it’s none of your business.”</p><p>“Temper. You’re right. It’s not my business, but it might be nice if you let her know. You didn’t like her? She liked you a lot.”</p><p>“I did like her. If I didn’t have this issue, I would ask her out again. Also, you’re not punishing me by not giving in your work on time but your readers.” The only good thing about this conversation was his opportunity to use the techniques he’d learned in therapy. Six months ago, he would have yelled, no, screamed at her and hung up the phone. He was surprised at how calm he was. </p><p>“What are you going to do now?” What was this? Was he her kid now?</p><p>“I’ll call her. No promises about a second date.”</p><p>“Fine.” Next time Ichinose came up with any great date suggestions, he’d ignore her. </p><p>It was over a week before he called her. Because of hell week. Except he could have called her before. Whatever. It wasn’t too late now. Another Friday evening with nothing to do and not much work to fill his weekend with. He stared at his phone and found Aikawa’s number and frowned. It’s not like he owed her an explanation. He sighed and made the phone call. Might as well get it over with.</p><p>“Ah, Takano?” He couldn’t help smiling to himself. So, she knew who it was already. She must have saved his number. His ego puffed up a little. Well, it felt good.</p><p>“Yes. Aikawa?”</p><p>“Hi. Can I call you back? I just got out of the bath.”</p><p>“No problem.” He shouldn’t be imagining her in nothing but a bath towel. He was a pervert. Or maybe it was due to the months since he’d been with Onodera. Aside from that crazy night with that emo guy. Onodera. All those times when they were together, he’d been so sure Ritsu wanted sex as much as he did. He certainly seemed to enjoy himself physically. Masamune had figured Ritsu’s tsundere side made it impossible to be honest. But what if he was wrong? How many times did Ritsu not want it, but Masamune had been too wrapped up in his own needs to realize? </p><p>Aikawa called back. He’d think of this later. </p><p>“Hi. Sorry about that. How are you?”</p><p>“I’m fine. I owe you an apology.”</p><p>“Why? Because you didn’t call after the date? It’s fine. I wasn’t really expecting you too. Don’t worry. It’s not like this hasn’t happened to me before.”</p><p>“You deserve better. I’d have called and asked you out again, it’s just that my life is really complicated right now.”</p><p>‘Do you want to talk about it?”</p><p>“Well, yeah, that’s why I’m calling. I had a breakup, but it didn’t end fully. I think you’re great. I like you a lot.”</p><p>“But?”</p><p>“I still like the guy I was with and there’s a small chance we might get back together. I shouldn’t have asked you out, but I saw him with another guy in a club awhile back and- no that’s not an excuse. I shouldn’t have asked you out while I’m in this situation. I’m a jerk.”</p><p>“I forgive you. You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself. You’re human.”</p><p>“No. I’ve made some big mistakes. If you knew the whole story-”</p><p>“Want to come over for a drink and talk? Not as in a date, but as in, I don’t know, two friends getting tipsy and comparing notes about how life sucks?”</p><p>“I don’t want to exploit you.”</p><p>“You’re not. You sound like you could use a friendly ear and I have the time.”</p><p>“Thanks. Email me your address. I’ll bring the drinks.”</p><p>Okay, that was unexpected. And was she implying he should stay overnight or was he reading more into it based on his desire to get laid?  That had to be it. He was mis-reading her. She said <i>friends</i>. </p><p>He’d bought a selection of drinks based on what he hoped she might like after changing into a more acceptable jeans shirt and vee-neck sweater and headed to her apartment. </p><p>She was also dressed casually. She had on a light blue short-sleeve tee paired with tan chinos, which showed off her curves.</p><p>They got settled on her couch.</p><p>“So. Talk to me. I mean you don’t have to, but you’re here now.” She seemed more comfortable and direct, and not just because they were in her apartment. </p><p>“You’ll kick me out when I tell you.”</p><p>“Try me.” And he did. He started from the beginning not only because it made sense but also because it was the best part, when Ritsu had been infatuated with him. It had only gone downhill from there. He didn’t leave anything out, even the worst night of his life. </p><p>“So, after we broke up, I started therapy every week. I thought if I did that I could change and he’d take me back, but then recently one weekend I went to a club, and, go figure, he was there with a guy, and he looked a lot happier than he’d ever been with me.”</p><p>“I see. So, you’re hoping things might work out but worried about that other guy. It’s good you went for therapy, though.”</p><p>“Most people think there’s something really wrong with you if you need therapy.”</p><p>“Well I’m not most people.  I call it being responsible. You messed up and don’t want to do it again. That’s better than people who keep doing the same messed up things over and over again.”</p><p>“That’s a nice way of putting it. Too nice.”</p><p>“You’re nice. I like you.” She smiled. Was she drunk? She was at the very least tipsy. She was looking at him with that fierce look again. “Maybe it’s time to call your ex back and show him how you’ve changed.”</p><p>“Yeah. Part of me is desperate to get back with him, and part of me is wondering if maybe I don’t deserve him. Whatever. Enough about me.”  </p><p>“You want to hear about me and my break ups now?”</p><p>“You can tell me anything.” Maybe it was the alcohol, but he felt free and relaxed. </p><p>“I met the only man I’ve ever loved when we were in college. We were going to get married and then he was killed in a car accident in front of me.”</p><p>Shit. That sounded painful. She must have seen him wincing because she shook her head as if to tell him it was okay. </p><p>“Eventually I started dating again, but somehow nobody compared to him, I never consciously tried to do it, but it just happened. And even when I thought something might be promising, the guy usually thought I was lacking in something. And then I got to be thirty and suddenly the dates stopped coming. At least my job is rewarding. And here we are.”</p><p>“I can’t imagine losing someone that finally. I’m sorry.”  </p><p>“Thanks. You’re sweet. And gorgeous.”  he wasn’t sure when she had started to stroke his hair but maybe it was time to stop her. Aikawa moved in closer. She smelled nice. But this wasn’t good, especially after what he’d just told her.</p><p>“What do you think of me?” His voice came out weird and husky. Why was he asking her that?</p><p>“You’re interesting. I like you, Takano Masamune.” She took off his glasses and smiled at him. </p><p>“Yeah?  I like you too.” <i>Bad! Bad! Get your ass off the couch and take a cab home now before you do something you’re both going to regret.</i></p><p>He wasn’t sure who started kissing first, but he stopped thinking much until she started tugging on his belt.  </p><p>“Uh, I don’t think this is such a great idea.”</p><p>“Yeah, but let’s do it anyway.”</p><p>“I don’t want to use you.”</p><p>“Well let me use you then.” Shit. Well, okay then. If that’s how she wanted it, he could hardly disappoint her. He let himself be and dove in for more.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Title is from Adventure of a Lifetime by Coldplay. I'm not sure why but somehow I associate Takano with Coldplay. </p><p>This chapter still has the Takano angst while being at it's a core a cheer for Aikawa Eri.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. We’re Walking the Same Line</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ritsu was in heaven. Maeda Ruri’s novel hadn’t just received critical acclaim from most reviewers, but it was already in the top five best-selling books in Japan. And now he just found out she was being nominated for the Naoki prize.  All his dreams were coming true. Isaka had even called him in for a meeting and hadn’t referred to him as nanahikari once. His old colleagues at Emerald had sent him congratulations mails and his father had called and they’d had another shockingly wonderful conversation to the point where he wondered why they couldn’t have been like this years ago. Grandpa had called saying he hadn’t read the book yet and teased him (tastefully) about working for the ‘wrong’ publishing company, but spent most of the time praising him, which for a understated man like him was huge. </p><p>Everything was coming together with his career. It was time to celebrate. Maybe with a good book. No, with Suzuki for a celebratory drink. Why not? He picked up his phone, but Suzuki had already mailed him. And it looked ominous. </p><p>Hi. Can we meet tonight? It’s kind of important.</p><p>Okay, perhaps ominous was over dramatic but the vagueness disturbed Ritsu. Still, if he learned anything from back in high school was not to jump to conclusions. </p><p>They arranged to meet at Ritsu’s apartment at nine. At seven he gave up on getting any more work done and headed home for a quick ramen and some pickles that were just barely on the edible side. </p><p>The message was so vague! Important could mean different things. It didn’t have to mean Suzuki met somebody else, so “Goodbye Ritsu, it’s been lovely, and I’ll always remember you etc.”  No. It didn’t have to mean that. Even if it made the most sense. Which was fine. Ritsu would have to end things sooner or later when Takano called. (Why hadn’t he called or at the very least sent an email?) </p><p>Suzuki must have found somebody. It’s the only thing that mase sense, but maybe they could still be friends? Not likely. They were both busy and assuming he got back with Takano that would be a problem. Takano would never be receptive about a guy Ritsu used to sleep with.</p><p>So, no more Suzuki. No more of his silly sense of humor or how he seemed to live in shorts even when it was freezing outside.  Or that weird spiced coffee he drank by the bucketload or that lovely cologne Ritsu loved or those ridiculous pouts. All of this would slowly fade into oblivion and why? Because Ritsu had said he wanted to be friends. And no more of those arousing moans of his either. And he shouldn’t think of that kind of thing. Because the only reason they were meeting in the middle of the week was because Suzuki was dumping him. Otherwise he could have just waited until Saturday!</p><p>Ritsu frowned at the picture on his phone of them at karaoke last weekend. Suzuki had asked over and over until Ritsu had succumbed because usually he and karaoke didn’t belong in the same sentence, but he ended up having a blast. (Downing a glass of wine before helped.) Who knew singing -well, it was more like screaming- could be so enjoyable? And the songs he usually couldn’t stand became somehow endearing when he sang them with Suzuki. They were all about friendship and love. No wonder they were popular! </p><p>He and Takano would never have gone to karaoke together. Not that he was comparing. Except he was. And was he even doing that? Takano was Takano. They had a history. But he couldn’t stop comparing them. How could this be happening? How could be conflicted over Suzuki when he was supposed to be friends with Suzuki and lovers, eventually, with Takano? It was simple. But now just thinking of a possible future which necessitated saying goodbye to that goofy former Tennis star made him feel empty and nauseous. </p><p>And yet… Takano! </p><p>Maybe if he organized his thoughts everything would look clearer. He took out a note pad, opened it to a blank page and drew a vertical line down the middle. On the left side at the top he drew a pair of glasses to represent Takano and on the right side a tennis racket for Suzuki. It seemed less crass than writing their names. The whole exercise was ridiculous. Suzuki would be nice. He was nice. He’d look sad, and yet he was probably excited about the new guy or maybe it was a woman. Not that it mattered. </p><p>This was stupid. </p><p>Okay. Focus. Takano.</p><p>The words flew out easily. </p><p>
  <i>He’s my first love.<br/>There must be a reason for us meeting again. What were the chances? Being neighbors and working together?<br/>Don’t I owe him a chance? <i></i></i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Wait. That was it? There had to be more, right? He frowned as he wrote one more line:</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>I want to love him don’t I?</i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>He could always add more. Time for Mr. Suzuki. The racket looked more like a lollipop. Ritsu had never been good at drawing. </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Suzuki. </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i><i>He is fun to be with<br/>We have a lot in common</i> </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Wait. Ritsu really had more in common with Takano. He crossed it out and added it to Takano’s side. </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>I love teaching him about the things I like and learning about things he enjoys.<br/>He brings out the best in me.<br/>I feel so comfortable with him.</i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>The sex was great, but he couldn’t write that, could he? Wait. Why not? </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>Sex with him is amazing.<br/>I just like being with him.<br/>I miss him when we’re not together<br/>I don’t want him to be with anybody else.<br/>I think I love him.<br/>Oh shit. I’m in trouble..</i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>The intercom bell rang. Ritsu folded the paper a few times, stuffed in his back pocket and buzzed Suzuki in and waited not so patiently for him to get to the door. </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“Hey. Everything okay?” Suzuki smiled as he took off his shoes. He seemed a little different. Maybe more nervous? Or maybe Ritsu was projecting.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“I’m fine. I just found out that Maeda Ruri is being nominated for the Naoki prize. It’s really exciting.” </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“Yeah, I saw online. Congratulations.” </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“Maeda is the one who really gets the congratulations.” </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“Don’t be shy. You discovered her, right? You worked hard. You know that Ruri means lapis lazuli? It’s so appropriate because you discovered the hidden gem.” </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“Um, thanks?” </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“Okay it’s a bit goofy.” </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“It’s sweet.” The type of goofy sweetness he could say goodbye too forever. Whatever. He had to stay calm! “Want something to drink?”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“A beer would be nice, if you have.”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“I do.”  He <i>was</i> acting weird. And so was Ritsu and it was horrible. Suzuki took a big sip of his beer and laughed. </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“You seem nervous.” They were sitting across from each other at Ritsu’s little table. That was also unlike them. They’d normally go to the couch. Or the bedroom.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“Well, so do you.”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“Yeah, you’re right. Onodera. You’re probably wondering why I wanted to come over on a Wednesday too. It’s just too important to wait. I hope it’s okay.” </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“It’s fine. I think I already know what you want to say and it’s okay. I’m happy for you.”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“What are you talking about?”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“You found someone you want to have a serious relationship with, right?  I understand. We’ve been friends and someone like you -it’s understandable you’d want something more.” </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“Yeah. It’s true.” </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Oh shit oh shit oh shit no no please. I didn’t realize how much this would hurt. Even though this is good. I’m glad for him. No I’m not! But I will be.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“Is it a guy or a girl?” He laughed nervously. “Kind of silly. I mean it’s not really my business.” </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“It’s fine. A guy. You know him.”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“I- I do?” Oh great. Does that mean I’ll have to see them together? “What’s he like?” Ritsu started focusing on the table. He really needed to clean it better.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“He’s about your height. He has beautiful dark green eyes, and light brown hair and he just discovered a brilliant author.”  Wait. What was he saying? “Can you look at me?” Ritsu’s head snapped up in shock. “It’s you. I know you said you wanted to get back with your ex, but-” Ritsu pushed him away and jumped up from the chair.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“You bastard! Do you know how worried I was? I thought you met someone else!”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to frighten you. I didn’t know how to say it, and then you gave me this perfect opening and I just sort of went with it. I can’t pretend I want to be friends when I want more. I don’t want to ruin what we have. I needed to tell you now.” </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Ritsu dug into his pocket and handed the paper to Suzuki.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“What’s this?”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“Just read it.”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“Okay. Let’s see here. You’re comparing two things, but what’s with the glasses and lollipop?”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“Takano wears glasses so that’s supposed to for him, and it’s not a lollipop it’s a tennis racquet. For you.”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“Okay. Got it. I hear you that first love is powerful, and I think there <i>was</i> a reason you both had to meet again. Hmm. Still. I kind of like the other side of the page better.”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“Why am I not surprised?” </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“I like it. A lot. Especially this line about sex. No, this is even better. <i>I think I love him.</i> I don’t like this <i>I’m in trouble</i> part though.”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“I started wondering what I should say to Takano?”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“How about ‘goodbye’?”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“Yeah.”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“Hey.” Suzuki reached over and put his hand on Ritsu’s.  I want you to choose me, but I also want you to make the right decision. I can wait.” </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“I want to be with you.” </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i> “Are you sure?  I don’t want you to feel pressured at all.” </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“I’m not. If I’m honest I think deep down I chose you before I wrote this. It’s just going to be rough telling him. But I’m ready to do it. In fact, I’ll see if he can meet me tomorrow after work.” He reached for his phone and sent the message. Okay. Done. I hope it isn’t hell week. I have no clue what their schedule is anymore. Wait. Last week was hell week, because Kisa wasn’t available to meet for coffee.”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“‘Hell week’? Kisa?”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“The manga magazine I worked at publishes monthly. Hell week is the last week of the monthly cycle when you’re rushing to get the magazine to the printers and the authors are horrifyingly behind. I used to work with Kisa, and we still get together every so often.”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“I’m glad you don’t have that kind of schedule now. Now for the big question: Can I call you Ritsu now?”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“Uh, yeah. Should I call you uh…A-Akira?” He felt himself blush. “Or maybe I’ll just stick to Suzuki for now.” </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“that’s good too. You’re cute. And you make me incredibly happy.” </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“I’ll pretend you didn’t say the word cute. And I’m happy too.”  Even if it meant going to karaoke every week for the rest of his life. </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Ritsu’s phone beeped. Takano was available and could meet Ritsu at an izakaya close to Marukawa. “Ah. Takano can see me tomorrow at 7.”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“Want me to come?”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“How would that work? ‘Takano, we’re history. Let me introduce you to my new boyfriend’?”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“Yeah. That’s kind of harsh. I could meet you after though.”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“That sounds better. I still can’t believe you made me think you met somebody else.”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“Ah, were you jealous?” </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“Yes, I was! Of a person who doesn’t even exist!”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“Even worse. You were jealous of yourself.” </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“That is worse!” </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“Am I in trouble now?”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Ritsu grabbed Akira by the collar and brought him close.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“Yes.”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“Then I guess I’ll have to come up with a way to make it up to you.”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>This man is perfect, Ritsu thought before letting his body take over.</i>
  </i>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Title from Everything but the Girl – We Walk the Same Line. </p><p>I've basically given Ritsu what I'd love for him to have: achieving a milestone as an editor and dating a guy who loves and respects him, brings out the best in him and who he's comfortable being with.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. You Give Me Something to Cry About</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Masamune hadn’t slept so well in days. Now if he just knew where he was. He turned over and almost collided into Aikawa, who looked so peaceful in her sleep. </p><p>Except he wasn’t supposed to have slept with her. The plan was going there to talk and drink a bit and then going home, not going to bed with her.</p><p>He got up to look for his clothing. At least being with Aikawa was an improvement on his last sexual encounter with that wacked out grad student. She was still sound asleep when he finished getting dressed, so he went to the kitchen to prepare breakfast while hoping she wasn’t one of those people who hated when people used her kitchen. He was mostly done, when she came out of the room dressed in a robe, looking relaxed. He grinned. She had every reason to be.</p><p>“Good morning.”</p><p>“Hi. I hope you don’t mind if I used your kitchen. I thought we could use some breakfast.”</p><p>“Mind? Come over anytime you like. Something smells delicious. Mmm soup, fish and rice. I have some pickles and another side in the fridge that will go perfectly with this. I’ll make us some coffee.”</p><p>“Thanks.”</p><p>As they ate, Masamune couldn’t help thinking he messed up by staying, but Aikawa looked calm and untroubled/</p><p>“Thanks again for breakfast. Now I’ll have the energy and patience to go through my author’s latest revisions with him.”</p><p>“Sounds exciting.” </p><p>“If you like being driven crazy, but enough about that. Last night…” </p><p>“Ah. What I’m thinking is more like, ‘now what?’”</p><p>“I liked last night. I like being with you. Not just in bed although that was amazing. I feel comfortable around you, so If you’re interested, I’d like to get to know you more without any pressure of dating.” </p><p>“Are you sure? It sounds good, but it sounds way too much like me exploiting you.”  </p><p>“That’s sweet, but since this is my idea, I’m not really sure how you’d be exploiting me.” </p><p>“Okay, but I messed up a lot with my last relationship, and even if you’re fine with this, I have a bad feeling someone’s going to get hurt.” </p><p>“You’re right. There is a risk, but we’re adults, and if we’re open with each other I don’t see how it could go wrong. Just tell me when your man tells you he wants you back, so we can celebrate.” That was sweet that she even said she’d celebrate with him, even if it was just words. </p><p>And what really could go wrong? As long as she didn’t revert to the horrifying fist date version of herself it could be fun. And it would be nice to have a social life that didn’t include the Kirishima club for once, as well meaning as they were. He smiled and met her gaze. </p><p>“Okay, you’ve got a deal.” </p><p>“Great.” </p><p>And considering how much he screwed up with Ritsu, he wasn’t doing badly with Aikawa. It helped they didn’t have the baggage or any real intensity either. It was just two friends spending time together and given how little spare time either of them had, it was working well. One weekend was a Juju concert and then the next he introduced her to one of his favorite films. They often cooked together or got something quick from a ramen or soba restaurant. </p><p>But even as he kept busy with work and an actual social life, thoughts of Ritsu persistently ran through his brain like glittering thread.  Was he doing okay? He certainly was doing well at work. He discovered what looked to be the next great author! But how was he feeling? Did he still see that guy he was with at the club or had he moved on and was it like the arrangement he had with Aikawa? Did Ritsu ever think of him?</p><p>Every time he thought it’s time to call him, he’d get a setback, or feel like maybe he wasn’t ready. He didn’t – he couldn’t hurt Ritsu again. He just needed a little bit more time. He kept thinking how happy Ritsu looked when he saw him at that club and that had been months ago! So much could have happened since then. </p><p>And then one Wednesday evening, early in the cycle, when he was thinking he could go home early and get some valuable reading in Masamune got an email. </p><p>Hi. Can we meet tomorrow after work?</p><p>This was bad. The last time Ritsu had spoken to him was when he’d texted him after he received his resignation note and breakup letter months ago. It seemed unlikely that Ritsu would contact him out of nowhere if he wanted to get back together. He’d wait for Masamune to contact him. That’s what he’d said on the phone and in the letter. Still, was it so hard to believe that Ritsu wanted to take the initiative? Kisa must have told him how he’d changed at work. He knew they still saw each other occasionally. </p><p>It all sounded so wonderful, but it was a lot more plausible that he had something a lot more unpleasant to tell him. He’d find out eventually, so why delay the inevitable? Masamune emailed back suggesting the izakaya closest to Marukawa at seven and Ritsu’s response came soon afterward. </p><p>
  <i>That works for me. I’ll see you then.</i>
</p><p>He sighed. He felt like he should be writing his death poem and trying to find a white kimono to wear tomorrow.</p><p>Instead he called Aikawa. </p><p>“Hi,” He said quietly. </p><p>“What’s up? I thought we were going to talk tomorrow about the weekend.” </p><p>“He called me. My ex. He wants to meet.” </p><p>“Seriously? See? Just us becoming friends did something good.” </p><p>“He wasn’t supposed to be contacting me. I was supposed to contact him when I felt I had changed. I don’t even know why I didn’t contact him yet. Maybe I knew all along it would be useless.” </p><p>“How do you know it’s useless?” </p><p>“He just looked so happy in that club. He’s never looked at me that way or been that comfortable with me, ever.” </p><p>“Do you want me to come over?” </p><p> </p><p>“Could you?” </p><p>She ended up sitting with him while he cried and told her in detail their whole history. And she listened to him as he held her for comfort. As he was getting ready to leave, she gave him another hug.</p><p>“You’re going to be embarrassed when you tell me you’re getting back together.” </p><p>“That’s it.” </p><p>When Masamune got to the izakaya the next day he checked his watch. 18:55. Five minutes early exactly.  Maybe Aikawa was on to something by coming five minutes early. He tried to quell his nerves with a plate of karaage and a highball. He could handle whatever Ritsu had to say. Never mind. He had no clue if he could handle it, but he was about to find out. </p><p>He thought about the years of wondering why he couldn’t find Oda Ritsu only to find it in one night that his name was Onodera, he was his subordinate and had been his next-door neighbor for a year. And it only went downhill from there. Okay, they had their good moments. At least that’s what he always thought. He should have realized the problem that first night. When he discovered Onodera was his Ritsu, he felt happier than he had in years. Now, maybe things would change. But Ritsu had spent those same ten years trying to erase Masamune from his memories. That should have been a clue that they were never going to be what he wanted them to be. </p><p>It didn’t help that he was Ritsu’s boss. On hindsight, that hadn’t been good He never could stop himself from being harsher with Ritsu, even when he knew he was being unfair sometimes. Maybe it was subconscious resentment of Ritsu treating him like he was the bad guy when he’d been completely misunderstood. </p><p>It didn’t matter because in the end he became the bad guy. He drained his glass and ordered a refill while finishing the chicken. He checked his watch.  7:05. He was just about to take out a book to flip through when he heard someone approach his table.</p><p>“Takano.” He looked up to see Ritsu standing there nervously. “Thank you for meeting me.” Ritsu. His hair was messy, but Masamune always lliked him that way. He looked just as gorgeous as usual. “I’ll be back. I’m going to the bar to order something.”</p><p>He came back with a glass of hoppy and Takano just managed to restrain himself from smirking. Ritsu was such a lightweight, it was probably for the best that he chose something almost non-alcoholic.</p><p>He downed half of it and then looked at Masamune intently. </p><p>“Takano.”</p><p>“Hi. Congratulations on Maeda Ruri being nominated for the Naoki prize.”</p><p>‘Ah. Thanks.”</p><p>There was an uncomfortable pause. Finally, Ritsu started speaking.</p><p>“Thanks for meeting me on such short notice. It’s been a long time.” </p><p>“Yes.” </p><p>“I’m not sure how to say this.” That didn’t sound promising.</p><p>“Take your time.” </p><p>“I heard from Kisa that everything’s going well at Emerald. I’m sorry I left so suddenly. I’m glad everything worked out.” </p><p>“The new editor- although she’s hardly new anymore- is doing an excellent job.” Except Ritsu didn’t meet to talk about this. </p><p>“I’m glad. That’s one thing I really felt bad about, that and the authors who’d been relying on me.” Ritsu took another gulp of his drink. “I’m not sure how to say this. I’ll just tell you straight out. I met somebody. It was supposed to be just a friendship, but it changed. We both realized we wanted something more.” </p><p>“I guess it doesn’t matter that I’ve been seeing a therapist for the past four months?”</p><p>“That’s great.”</p><p>“Not great enough, apparently.”</p><p>“Takano, I know you’re upset, but that’s… that’s really not connected to us, uh, breaking up.” </p><p>“Except you told me you’d take me back if I changed.” </p><p>“I never promised you that! But I’m sorry you misunderstood me. I didn’t plan to meet this person. It just happened, and I can’t change it. No. I don’t <i>want</i> to change it. I don’t think we were ever that good for each other, anyway.” Ritsu obviously wanted to stab him and then dig the knife deeper and deeper. Why did this all have to end this way? His hands started to shake. He couldn’t lose it now. He had to keep it together.</p><p>“All I wanted was to make you happy. I just wanted us to be like how we were in school.” </p><p>“You think we should be like we were <i>Twelve years ago?</i>” Well why not? Back then he could do anything and Ritsu would still love him. Now, even if he did everything right, Ritsu still wouldn’t go back to him, and he’d messed up so much. Was this really it? </p><p>“I never wanted to hurt you.” His voice came out low and quiet. </p><p>“I know you didn’t. And it wasn’t just your fault. I didn’t know what I wanted, and I confused you. I’m sorry about that.  I am happy now. I think… no, never mind.”</p><p>“What? Don’t just stop in the middle.” </p><p>“Are you sure?”</p><p>“Stop being so half-assed and just say it already.” </p><p>“I think it was good we met again. It might not have turned out the way you wanted, but the way we broke off before-” </p><p>“What, with you kicking me and disappearing for ten years?” </p><p>“I- I’m sorry about the kick. But yeah, the misunderstandings we had for so long. I think it was good that we met again… so we could clear them up.” </p><p>Masamune tried to focus on how confident Onodera sounded, even if he still had a long way to go. Because if he paid too much attention to what he was saying he would get angry; he was livid. Because he was <i>not</i> happy they met again just for them to break up. He hadn’t spent ten years in agony for it to end like this, but Ritsu was happily with this other guy. Somebody better than him. Of course, he was happy. </p><p>“I guess,” he finally said even though he wanted to yell and smash his glass against the wall. Onodera was fidgeting. He was probably anxious to go back to that perfect guy of his.   </p><p>“I… I hope you find happiness too, Takano.” </p><p>The laugh came out before he could stop it. Onodera looked so immersed in his happy world, which is probably why he hadn’t realized just how close Masamune was to completely losing it. Instead, he held in his breath for a moment and then slowly let it out. Shit, he was a good student.  What’s her name the therapist would be proud. He then slugged the rest of his high ball, and got up to pay his tab. </p><p>The goodby he said as he left felt so formal, so final. </p><p> Now what?</p><p>He could get trashed at a bar. That had been Yokozawa’s choice when Masamune rejected him so long ago. Or so Kirishima said one night when they all had too much to drink and he was probably hoping Masamune would get the hell out so he could be alone with his lover.  </p><p>He’d drink but at home. Then if he had more than he should, he could simply pass out in his bed. He had work tomorrow, so how much drinking would he even do? He had a magazine to run. How ridiculous. When had he turned into such a boring responsible adult? </p><p>He was in the middle of his sixth beer when he got an email from Aikawa asking how it went.  </p><p>
  <i>It’s over. He met somebody else.</i>
</p><p>She called immediately. </p><p>“Want me to come over?” </p><p>“Not tonight. But we can do something tomorrow after work.”  </p><p>“Are you sure?” </p><p> “Yeah…” Tonight was for mourning. He felt so raw. Tomorrow he’d be more himself, although there was no guarantee he wouldn’t be an asshole at work. Well, a little less of one than he used to be. </p><p>“Okay. I’m thinking of you. I’ll call you tomorrow afternoon.” </p><p>“Yeah. Thanks.” </p><p>He got ready for bed and then crashed. Tonight, he’d let himself remember everything. From the first moment to the last, he’d think about everything that they’d ever shared or gone through. He was past asking why. He almost never cried but tonight he just couldn’t stop, and he didn’t even care.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Chapter title is from Cry About by Mary Margaret O’Hara</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. Them Heavy People</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ritsu frowned at the slip of paper in his hand denoting his grandfather’s room at the Tokyo Jikei University School of Medicine. The knee replacement was supposed to be simple, but he’d contracted pneumonia the day before he was supposed to get released. </p><p>And to think Ritsu had just seen him two weeks ago when his mother had gifted him with more dating profiles. He was in the library stuffing them into the tote bag he’d become accustomed to bringing when Grandfather walked in. </p><p>“Ah, Ritsu, can you send me a copy of the novel from that new author you discovered? I wanted to read it.” </p><p>“Of course! I wish I thought of bringing one with me.” </p><p>“It’s fine. I know you’re busy.” That would have been the perfect segue for Ritsu to tell him the news with Akira, if his mother hadn’t run in excitedly. </p><p>“Ritsu, I just wanted to make sure you contact Fukushima Shiori first. She’s perfect for you!” </p><p>He took one look at the bag of profiles and at his mother and finally lost it. It was almost two years since he finally had the courage to come out to his parents and she still didn’t get it. It was ridiculous how much time she was wasting accumulating these profiles. </p><p>“Mother, I’d like to call, but they aren’t men, so it’s not going to work.” And he wasn’t even available anymore! He tried not to look at her face as he handed back the bag. It was for the best. Really, he was doing her a favor. </p><p>“But Ritsu-” </p><p>He looked up see his mother’s sad pitiful face and felt guilty for a moment. Then he just felt frustrated. Why did he have to feel guilty because his mother couldn’t handle his homosexuality? He had tried all his life to make her proud, but he couldn’t stop being who he was. </p><p>“Hisae, may I intrude?” Ritsu looked up, startled. He had completely forgotten Grandfather was even there until he spoke.</p><p>“Of course, Father.” </p><p>“You’re working so hard to help Ritsu.” </p><p>“I am, and it’s so frustrating!” </p><p>“But Ritsu needs to follow his own... journey. Do you think this will help him?” </p><p>“I don’t know, I just thought maybe if it was the right girl it would be okay.” </p><p>“In my experience, that’s not how this works.”  </p><p>Grandfather looked so uncomfortable as he spoke. He probably wasn’t used to talking about this. He was so traditional; it was a miracle he’d accepted Ritsu back when he was in high school. Ritsu felt so bad for him he grabbed the profiles back from his mother.</p><p>“It’s fine. I’ll do… something with them.” </p><p>But how was he going to handle her? And now he and Akira were dating seriously… he really had to tell his parents that, didn’t he? Maybe the whole former Olympian thing might work in his favor. She loved the Olympics, so maybe that would distract her when he told her. Akira. Ritsu didn’t know when he’d ever feel comfortable calling him that, but it felt good to think about him with his first name; it made him feel closer. Who knew that so much happiness could go together with love instead of pain, stress and anxiety? Maybe one day Takano would find happiness too. </p><p>In the rush to get away from his mother, he never got to thank his grandfather for speaking up for him or tell him the news about Akira. He’d fix that now. </p><p>On the train to the hospital, Ritsu reminisced about his grandfather. For years, they used to visit him in his house in Azabu, which he shared with an old friend of his who Ritsu usually tried to avoid. The man was probably nice, just a little frightening with his long scraggly hair tied into a ponytail, yukata and a cigarette constantly hanging from his mouth. He was so unlike Grandfather, and Ritsu never understood how they got along or lived together. Ritsu used to imagine that maybe he was an immortal demon. </p><p>Much later, when Ritsu had already transferred to school in England the “demon” man died, and Grandfather moved in with them. It was that first summer back when they got close and, go figure it was all because of Saga Masamune. </p><p>Well not <i>him</i>, but his memory, which seemed permanently stuck to Ritsu’s brain. He would have gotten them surgically removed if he could. It was an obsession. He kept replaying the same memories and rehashing everything. How someone could be so heartless; he bared his heart only to hear callous laughter! It tormented him. If only he’d known the truth back then, maybe things would have been different, but of course he hadn’t. That wouldn’t be until ten years later. </p><p>He remembered walking into his family’s spacious library shortly after he got home from England, and taking one look at all the books, which normally comforted him, and being reminded yet again of this horrible boy. He was sick of crying and angry that a boy had so much power over him. Saga Masamune was probably happily living his life, taller and more gorgeous than ever and not caring at all that he’d broken Ritsu’s heart.  That’s probably when he’d closed his eyes and screamed, “I hate you, Saga Masamune! You don’t deserve my love you bastard!”  </p><p>He had been so caught up in his misery, he didn’t realize he wasn’t alone. He knew his mother was at some charity event and he hadn’t seen anyone when he walked in. And yet somehow his grandfather had been there because there he was with a concerned look on his face. Ritsu started panicking. Maybe he wouldn’t realize he was talking about a boy. But who ever heard of a girl named Masamune? Well, why not? He just had to convince him. </p><p>“Grandfather! I’m sorry for yelling. It’s not what you think.” </p><p>“It’s okay. I’m sorry I startled you.” </p><p>“Ah. Well, I shouldn’t have yelled. Anyway, if you’re thinking I might be talking about a weird situation, um, I’m not. I was really talking about a girl. But she’s very tall and uh… her parents though they were having a boy, so it’s not what you think.” </p><p>“What I think is somebody’s hurt you.”</p><p>“They did! It’s so hard!” The tears that had been threatening to fall for so long just kept coming. He still remembered so vividly that feeling of relief and emotional exhaustion as Grandfather held him close a little awkwardly but lovingly.</p><p>“It’s okay. You can cry. It’s fine.”</p><p>Ritsu took a deep breath, looked at his grandfather and decided to take a risk. </p><p>“I was lying. It’s a boy. I loved him, and then I found out he was playing with me the whole time. That’s why I asked Mother to transfer me to the school in England. I had to get away. I told him I loved him, and he laughed in my face.” </p><p>“That sounds painful. What a cruel thing to do.” </p><p>“It was the worst day of my life. Wait, you didn’t say anything about him being a boy. You’re not disgusted?” </p><p>“I’ve lived a long time. It’s nothing I haven’t seen before. My best friend was the same way.” </p><p>“And you never thought that was… weird?” </p><p>“At one point, yes, but I realized it didn’t change who he was. He was still my best friend just like you’re still my wonderful grandson.” </p><p> </p><p>After this, he got closer to Grandfather. Ritsu loved hearing about what life was like when he was young or his experiences running Onodera Shuppan and all the famous authors he’d discovered or published when he was in charge. And what was most valuable was how for years he kept Ritsu’s secret. They didn’t really talk about Ritsu’s homosexuality after that, although he’d sometimes ask if Ritsu had met any special friends. </p><p>He never ended up telling him anything about Takano. He never knew how to tell him. Maybe it was for the best. Grandfather would have just gotten upset if he knew the whole sordid story and how it ended. </p><p>And now he had much happier news to tell him. </p><p>Ritsu was almost at his grandfather’s room. Maybe if he were lucky, Grandfather would be awake. He was doing a lot better last night or at least that’s what Father had said on the phone. He knocked and entered. His grandfather was sitting up with reading glasses on halfway down his nose as he read. Typical. Then Ritsu noticed it was Maeda’s book. He had mailed a copy but forgot all about it after that. He felt a surge of happiness well up. He really was part of something bigger. He was an Onodera. He might not work at the family company right now, but publishing was in his blood. </p><p>Grandfather looked much older somehow, which didn’t make any sense. Maybe it was the effect of the pneumonia.,. Last time he’d spoken to his father, he’d had been sleeping a lot of the time.</p><p>“Grandfather?” </p><p>“Ricchan!” </p><p>Ritsu smiled. Only somebody like Grandfather could make him feel comforted by being called this silly name. He’d never bothered to ask Kisa not to call him that, but it was a lot more annoying. </p><p>“How are you?”</p><p>“Still here.”  Did he mean that he was still here in the hospital or still here above ground? “And finally reading this novel -” he pointed at the spine and pretended to look upset, “published by our main competitor.”</p><p>“Uh Grandfather, um, I do hope to return to Onodera Shuppan someday, but--”</p><p>“I’m teasing you. Congratulations. You’ve discovered the next great author. It’s what all editors dream of and you succeeded. I’m proud of you.” </p><p>“Thank you. But how are you doing, really?”</p><p>“At my age, it’s hard to complain.”</p><p>“But you’re getting better?”</p><p>“Yes. I should be going home in a couple of days, assuming I don’t get infected with something else before I escape from this place.”</p><p>“It sounds like you’re breaking out of prison.”</p><p>“Exactly. So, anything else new? You told me you had met a new <i>special friend.</i>” </p><p>“Yes.  We’re dating officially now.  I never told you about him. He’s different from me but we get along well. You might have heard of him because he’s a former Olympian. He won a gold medal in Tennis. Singles Tennis. I had to look up what that meant. He’s a couple of years older than me and I really like him. He’s really easy going and fun to be with.” Ritsu must have sounded like a high schooler but he didn’t care, and Grandfather was smiling happily enough so it was okay. </p><p>He took out his phone and started searching the photos for a suitable picture to show him and found a perfect one. It was taken at Akira’s sister Fumi’s apartment. They were sitting on the couch with their arms around each other, well more like Akira’s arms around his and Ritsu awkwardly sitting there. It was going to take time getting used to, along with things like Fumi insisting he call her Nee-chan. She was just like Akira, open and friendly. Maybe it was an American thing?  It didn’t matter. It was a great photo. </p><p>He gave the phone to his grandfather. He wasn’t sure what to expect. Maybe he should have chosen a picture where they weren’t touching? What he hadn’t been expecting was for his smile to turn into a look of surprise. He smiled sadly and appeared to be murmuring to himself which Ritsu only partially understood. </p><p>“…so much like Haru.”</p><p><i>Haru?</i> Who was Haru? Ritsu frowned. Was the medicine he was taking affecting him? </p><p>“His name is Suzuki Akira actually. Does that sound familiar? I never thought I’d date a former celebrity. It’s kind of surreal.”  </p><p>Meanwhile, Grandfather was still staring at the photograph. </p><p>“Grandfather?” </p><p>“Oh. Sorry. He reminded me of somebody I used to know.” </p><p> Somebody named Haru?</p><p>“Maybe because he was in the Olympics. He was the first Japanese man to win a gold medal in Singles Tennis in almost one hundred years. He used to be on television a lot.” </p><p>“Of course. Tennis. Yes. Of course, I know who he is. You look happy. That’s good.” </p><p>“I am happy. Maybe when you’re back home I can introduce you to him?” </p><p>“That would be nice. Ricchan. I don’t feel so well suddenly.”</p><p>“Do you want me to get your nurse?”</p><p>“No. I just need some rest.”</p><p>“I’ll try and come again.”</p><p>“Assuming I’m still here.” Again, with this vague morbid way of talking.</p><p>“I’ll visit you at home, then! Feel good, Grandfather.”  </p><p>He usually didn’t hug his grandfather, but somehow it felt like the right thing. Then he ran out toward the subway to Akira’s, who had promised him sukiyaki for dinner. And a lot of excitement for dessert.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Chapter title is a song by Kate Bush about people who mentored her or inspired her, so it hopefully fits here.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. The Scars of Our Love</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Masamune sighed as his alarm went off. Last night was seemingly never-ending torment, but now after some sleep he felt calm but exhausted. He rubbed his forehead and sighed. They were over. Completely and utterly. </p>
<p>Maybe it was okay to be upset. Normal. This was the end of everything he’d hoped for. But work didn’t stop for grieving. And that was good because he’d get through the day a lot easier if he was busy. </p>
<p>And today promised to be busy starting with a second meeting on his “new” editor Oshima Nagi’s proposal before the print run meeting. Normally they’d just have the proposal meeting and then the print run meeting, but some new guy in sales wanted another presentation which Masamune had delegated to Oshima. And if he didn’t leave now, he’d be late. He took a paracetamol, threw on a hoodie and grabbed his briefcase. </p>
<p>It had taken him a while to get used to seeing somebody else in Ritsu’s seat. Oshima looked nothing like him and had more confidence although he could sense a fragility there which did evoke Ritsu slightly. Not that he’d paid that much attention to her. She worked well with the other editors and her authors and did excellent work and that was all he cared about.</p>
<p>It used to hurt him not not seeing Ritsu there, but at the same time it was a relief not to be in the position of his supervisor anymore. He never realized how much pressure he’d felt until it wasn’t there anymore. He’d never been able to get the balance right. He was always paranoid that people would be able to tell he liked Ritsu so then he over compensated and the whole thing had been disastrous. Eh. He had to stop thinking of this now. It just was so impossible when everything seemed to trigger memories of Ritsu. </p>
<p>He sauntered into the office with five minutes to spare. Enough time to grab a coffee from the vending machine, which he ended up needing, because it wasn’t Yokozawa giving him trouble but someone else from his department instead who was a lot more obnoxious. </p>
<p>The meeting wasn’t supposed to be much more than a formality anyway. They’d already presented the proposal and it had been accepted and yet somehow this Hashida Tsuneo idiot from Sales wanted them to go over all the data again to support the amount of volumes they wanted printed. Oshima presented a slideshow showing the sales numbers for Mutou’s previous volumes as well as comparing her sales numbers with other authors ranked similarly to her. He was just thinking how next time she could handle this herself when Hashida Tsuneo interrupted her in a loud voice. </p>
<p>“I don’t know where you got this editor from but you’re wasting our time, Takano.” </p>
<p>“Excuse me? Oshima has years of experience as a manga editor, and she’s the one presenting this proposal, so if you have a question, direct it to her.” </p>
<p>Hashida glowered and sat down. Masamune nodded reassuringly at his editor who smiled a bit nervously but continued.</p>
<p>“As I was saying, because of the strong sales of her last two previous volumes which you can see on chart 2-A I’m asking for -” </p>
<p>“There’s no way we’ll sell that much. You’re deluding yourself.” </p>
<p>What a bastard! He wasn’t even going to let her finish her sentence? He hadn’t gotten this angry in a long time. Part of him wanted to let him have it, but this was Oshima’s proposal and she could handle him. She smiled politely and continued. </p>
<p>“If you’d let me finish, I’d appreciate it.” </p>
<p>“Yes, stop doing that. It’s not respectful.” Okay, if Isaka Ryuuichiro was complaining that said something.</p>
<p>“I’ve also included a chart detailing the promotion plans for the volume and a chart showing that her poll results are consistently high for the last three volumes in this series.” </p>
<p>The meeting after that went smoothly, but Isaka surprised him yet again. He came across like an idiot who only got his job because he was the son of the owner, but when push came to shove he was competent and an effective president. This Hashida guy though… was he being obnoxious because Oshima was a woman? They stopped at the break room on the way back and he bought her a coffee. </p>
<p>“Oshima, good job back there. Hashida was out of line, though.” </p>
<p>“It’s fine. We got the amount of copies we were hoping for. Oh, and thanks for the coffee.” </p>
<p>“You deserved it, but you’re wrong about it being fine. It’s not. Part of my job is to watch out for my subordinates. Don’t worry. I’m just going to throw out some feelers and figure out if there’s an issue with this guy, but his behavior crossed a line.” </p>
<p>And the best person to discuss it with would be Yokozawa. He had to know the idiot. He picked up right away, but maybe hadn’t been looking at the phone. </p>
<p>“What is it now, Zen?  I just emailed you five minutes ago. I’m busy and - oh. Masamune. Sorry. It’s crazy here. I didn’t realize it was you.” </p>
<p>“It’s fine. I was just wondering if you had a few minutes to talk about something. Business related.” </p>
<p>“Yeah, sure. If it’s quick. Let’s meet in a few in the smoker’s lounge. I could use a cigarette.” </p>
<p>“Great. I’m on my way.” </p>
<p>If only Yokozawa knew about the conversations Masamune had with Kirishima on how to handle his tsundere boyfriend. (Answer: give him space and let him do most of the initiating) which was ironic given how badly he’d handled his own tsundere boyfriend, but hey, even if it was way too late to save himself from making fatal mistakes at least he could try to help Kirishima. If he was helping him. What part of give him space did he not get? Oh well. Not his problem.</p>
<p>He got to the smoker’s lounge, lit a cigarette, and waited for Yokozawa to arrive. It didn’t take long. </p>
<p>“Hi. Sorry to bother you when you’re busy, but I wanted to ask you about somebody in sales. Does Hashida Tsuneo work for you?” </p>
<p>“No. Is this about the meeting this morning?” </p>
<p>“Yeah. He was seriously out of line with my subordinate. He kept interrupting and was rude to her the entire time. And she’s known for being prepared. She had a freaking PowerPoint presentation.” </p>
<p>“Ah. Oshima Nagi, right?”</p>
<p>“Yes.” </p>
<p>“I’ve been in proposal meetings with Oshima when she was at <i>Sapphire</i>. She was always organized and well prepared.  I haven’t had any real working experience with Hashida but give me a few days and I’ll check it out for you.” </p>
<p>“Thanks. Just be discreet. I don’t want him finding out and causing problems.”</p>
<p>“I got you.” </p>
<p>He spent the rest of the day contacting authors, editing their work, or overseeing his subordinates. It almost felt wrong how easy a day he was having for being the day after the love of his life chucked him. But then he’d hardly had time to think about it. </p>
<p>He was supposed to get together with Aikawa. He checked the time. 6:30. Perfect time to call. </p>
<p>“Takano?”</p>
<p>“I think so. It’s on my ID card. I had a vague memory of saying I’d call you today.”  </p>
<p>“How are you feeling?”</p>
<p>“Better than last night, but that’s not saying much. Work helps.” </p>
<p>“I hear.” </p>
<p>“I acted depressingly adultish last night. I only had four beers.”  Ten years ago, he entered a negative spiral of depression, alcohol, drugs, and mindless sex for six months. Now, four beers. </p>
<p>“Want me to come over? We could make dinner. Do you need groceries? I can pick something up on the way.” </p>
<p>“That sounds good, but just bring yourself.” Why Aikawa wanted to be with him he couldn’t figure out, but he wasn’t going to stop her. </p>
<p>He ended up stopping at the convenience store to get a couple of odds and ends while trying not to think of the times he’d discovered Ritsu shopping for energy drinks or just hoped he’d find him there. </p>
<p>She showed up an hour later wearing a slinky snug fitting dress which showed off her curves so tantalizingly. It made him appreciate how much she didn’t look like Onodera.  Except he was deluding himself because all he could think about was Ritsu. </p>
<p>He watched her as she leaned over to take off her heels and smiled. She was nice. Different. And it didn’t matter that she worked in the same department as Ritsu she wasn’t Ritsu didn’t behave like Ritsu -well aside from her ferocity- and he had to focus on her and right now she didn’t look so thrilled. </p>
<p>“Hey. How was your day?”</p>
<p>“Too long and It’s not over yet. I still need to call my author.  Again! He’s so close to being finished with the manuscript. We’re at the final edits, and he just needs to change a few things and email them to me, but he’s being a jerk. He’s gotten much better later so I’m not used to this anymore. I’ll make it quick.”</p>
<p>“Take your time. Give him hell.” He was looking forward to seeing Aikawa in action. Meanwhile, she was on the phone and mumbling to herself.</p>
<p>“He’s not picking up. I hope I won’t have to call Takahashi - Hello?  It’s me. I still haven’t gotten the manuscript... I <i>know</i> you’re used to USB drives, but you must admit email’s more convenient.  Anyway, because you’ve been so good, I haven’t bothered you much, but you’re three hours late now and-” The man was so loud Takano could hear him clearly.</p>
<p>“I’m busy. Call back tomorrow.”</p>
<p>Aikawa looked at her phone and glared. </p>
<p>“I can’t believe this! He hung up on me! Okay! Takahashi, sorry to bother you. You can complain to your boyfriend later. Seriously! What a jerk!” </p>
<p>Was it bad that he was getting turned on? There was something arousing in her confident manner. As long as she didn’t ever give him that look. That would be bad. </p>
<p>“Sorry to bother you, Takahashi. Yes, it’s about him. I hate to bother you but - exactly! He was supposed to finish the final edits hours ago! Could I trouble you to speak to him? Thanks.” She looked up at Masamune. “He’s dealing with it. Hopefully. Ah. It looks like he’s convinced the Great Lord to come back on. Of course, it’s me. Who else would it be? I’m wondering what happened to the edits you told me would be done three hours ago. You can’t just change your mind! People are waiting. Excuse me? EXCUSE ME? I DON’T CARE IF YOU ARE THE GREAT LORD USAMI!  YOU GET ME THAT MANUSCRIPT WITHIN ONE HOUR OR YOU’LL REGRET IT!” </p>
<p>She looked up as she put away her phone. Her shocked look made it obvious that she had forgotten Masamune was listening. She started blushing, which was almost as entertaining as the entire scene he’d just witnessed. He handed her a beer.  And Usami? As in Usami Akihiko? He’d heard rumors of him being difficult to work with and just assumed they were exaggerated. Maybe not. </p>
<p>He put on his sexiest voice. </p>
<p>“You’re cute, Aikawa. I’m glad I’m not your author.” </p>
<p>“He always does this to me. I’m sorry you had to hear-”</p>
<p>“Oh please! Come over to <i>Emerald</i> hell week and watch how I act. It happens. You’re human and you’re dealing with a brilliant author who thinks the world revolves around him.”</p>
<p>“We usually do well together, most of the time. We understand each other, and lately he really has been better, but this- this is too much.”</p>
<p>They had dinner and went on a short walk and to return some books which he’d been procrastinating. Maybe it was because he now thought of Onodera whenever he thought of libraries? He suddenly remembered that night when Onodera had almost cracked his head open on the steps before he’d managed to catch him.  Was everything they’d gone through pointless? Why did they have to meet again if it ended like this? </p>
<p>By the time they reached his apartment he realized he’d been quiet the entire way back. Aikawa now looked at him with a concerned look on her face.</p>
<p>“You okay? Want to talk about it?”</p>
<p>“I’m not really. I’ve been going back and trying to figure out what went wrong and I’m realizing that I’m the one that messed up. I was a horrible boyfriend and not a very good supervisor either. He’s better off now in the Literature department. That’s where he wanted to work in the first place. </p>
<p>“Wait. You didn’t tell me your ex was in my department. Is he the guy who discovered Maeda Ruri? I think his name is Onodera?” </p>
<p>“That’s him.  His father runs Onodera Shuppan.”</p>
<p>“Ah. He’s across the room from me, so we don’t interact that much although it turns out he was Usami’s editor at Onodera Shuppan, so we exchanged experiences once. I didn’t realize he was connected to the company. You met in high school, broke up and then I’m confused what happened after that. </p>
<p>“He confessed to me. At that point I was spending as much time in the school library avoiding my parents. I Thought it was ridiculous when he told me he liked me because he didn’t know me at all, but I said yes. I’d never thought about dating guys before. I didn’t take it seriously. I was immature and frustrated. But before I knew it, I’d fallen for him. For a short while it seemed like the only thing good in my life. Then one day he thought I was laughing at him, he kicked me and ran away, and because I didn’t know his name correctly, I couldn’t find him. Then out of nowhere he started working for me ten years later. </p>
<p>“It seemed like a sign that we were meant to be together, but nothing went smoothly. I didn’t treat him well as a subordinate or as a boyfriend. I needed to give him space and let him decide what he wanted to do, but I was too scared I’d lose him and it ended up being my own behavior which led to him leaving me.” </p>
<p>“You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself.” </p>
<p>“You’re being nice, but you don’t know what I was like. I was desperate all the time and then I’d get resentful that he didn’t seem to love me the way I loved him or frustrated because he’d send me mixed messages.” </p>
<p>“It’s not all your fault if he was confusing you.” </p>
<p>“I guess. He’d spent ten years trying to forget me. I just figured he’s a stubborn guy and he doesn’t want to admit he loves me, but maybe he never loved me? I just don’t know anymore.” </p>
<p>“You never asked him how he felt?” </p>
<p>“Kind of. Maybe. We sucked when it came to communication. He was usually nervous, and I still don’t know how honest he was with me. But it was my fault. I should have been more patient with him, and the truth is months ago I saw him with some guy at a club and he looked more relaxed with this guy than he ever looked with me. I think I knew back then I was in trouble. And he ended up with a guy who is the opposite of me in every way. Or that’s what it sounds like.” </p>
<p>Because he might have skillfully gotten Kisa to tell him. Which made him a bad supervisor on yet another level. But was it his fault that Kisa was an incorrigible gossip? And it had been as simple as offering to take him out for a drink and waiting for him to have the first one before getting to business. A guy that short had to be a lightweight. He smiled and went for the vague mildly disinterested approach. </p>
<p>“Hey. Kisa. Can I ask you something? Oh wait. Never mind. It’s not really my business…” </p>
<p>“It’s fine, Boss. What’s the question?”</p>
<p>“Well it’s about Onodera and I know he’s private. I shouldn’t have said anything. I saw him recently with a guy who looked familiar and I’ve been trying to figure out why.” And that hadn’t even been a lie. Although when he saw Onodera with another guy that truthfully hadn’t been what bothered him, but he did look oddly familiar. Like he should know him from somewhere. </p>
<p>“That’s his “friend” if you know what I mean. I shouldn’t tell you his name, though. You know. Privacy. But he used to be famous so that’s probably why he looks familiar. He won a medal in Tennis awhile back and was on television a lot.” </p>
<p>“Thanks. That must be it.” </p>
<p>It didn’t take too long searching on Gurugle for him to find this guy who ended up being Suzuki Akira. He of the formerly bleached blonde hair who was always on the freaking TV whenever Masamune wanted to watch something looking confident and happy. He’d probably been raised in the perfect home. His mother made him home cooked meals every night. Go figure Ritsu would choose a guy opposite to him in every single way. </p>
<p>“Does it hurt more that he’s with somebody so different than you and should I ask you how you even know that?” </p>
<p>“Yes, and my subordinate kind of spilled the beans. Yeah. I told you I’m a bad supervisor. In my defense, the guy’s a gossip. That’s a lousy excuse.” </p>
<p>“I don’t blame you. I would have done the same.” </p>
<p>“I should be satisfied with knowing he’s happy. It’s just he’s happy with somebody else.” </p>
<p>“And you wish it were you. That’s normal.” </p>
<p>“Meh. I’m just wondering why we had to meet again. So, I could mess up more than I did the first time? At least it’s not like last time. I spent half of my first year in college in a drunken haze. It’s not even funny. If it wasn’t for Yokozawa I might not have made it through alive.” </p>
<p>“I didn’t realize you’ve known him so long.” </p>
<p>“Yeah. He told me about the job here actually. I was working at Shuudansha at first on their Shonen magazine.” </p>
<p>“Got it. I do have a theory. But it might not make you so happy.” </p>
<p>“Try me.” </p>
<p>“What if the whole reason you met was so you could clear up the miscommunication from before? Maybe it was so you could get closure. Yeah, that sounds stupid doesn’t it.” </p>
<p>“I don’t know. Onodera said the same thing to me. I was so pissed off.” </p>
<p>“Sorry.” </p>
<p>“Eh. I’m not angry at you. It wasn’t what he said but the fact that he was saying it. From him it’s like he’s saying: ‘We never did well but it’s okay because I’ve found my happy ending.  Have a nice life!’ Who wants to hear that? But does it make sense? Yeah. Maybe eventually that will satisfy me. Right now, it’s more like telling someone they’re dying but it’s okay because they’ve got a great insurance policy for their family members.” </p>
<p>“I hear you.”</p>
<p>“Well, yeah. Let’s change the subject, Aikawa. You’re freaking gorgeous.”  And she was. Those shapely breasts. He put a hand under her shirt and was making headway on undoing her bra when her phone buzzed.</p>
<p>“That’s my line. Oh crap! Sensei emailed me.”</p>
<p>“Isn’t that what you wanted?”</p>
<p>“Three hours ago, yes. Now, when I’d like to go to bed with you, maybe not so much. Please don’t smirk at me. Even if it is sexy.”</p>
<p>“Oi! Do your job. I’ll wait.”</p>
<p>“Are you sure? Can I borrow your laptop and your remote access account?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, feel free. I’ll take a bath.”</p>
<p>“Too bad we can’t have one together.”</p>
<p>“One day we’ll go to an onsen together.”</p>
<p>“That sounds nice,” she murmured distractedly as she went to his laptop. It was kind of cute how she talked to herself when she was concentrating on something. When he’d gotten out, she was still there typing away.</p>
<p>“Everything going okay?”</p>
<p>“Perfect. He’s done everything I asked him, even this one change he argued with me about earlier.  This is beautiful. He’s really outdone himself this time. I’ll be surprised if this doesn’t get nominated for another award.”</p>
<p>“He gets a lot of those.”</p>
<p>“Yes. For a guy who’s basically incompetent, he’s a brilliant writer. He’s got a way seeing the world that is incomparable. I just need to send this to my boss and Isaka and we’re good to go.”</p>
<p>“I just saw Isaka today at our meeting.”</p>
<p>“Let me guess. He wasn’t prepared?”</p>
<p>“Amazingly enough, he was. He’d read the proposal and even had insightful things to say. I was tempted to ask him where the real Isaka was, but then I remembered he’s the chairman.”</p>
<p>“He’s a bit of a manipulative asshole, but he's got his good side.”</p>
<p>“Still, I can think of a lot of things more pleasant to talk about. Like you. You really are gorgeous. I don’t know why you find that surprising.”</p>
<p>“Please. I’m average looking and you look like a model.”</p>
<p>“With glasses?”</p>
<p>“Of course. You’ve got that gorgeous intellectual look and those black jeans you’re wearing, well…”</p>
<p>“Well?”</p>
<p>“I’d kind of like to take them off of you.”</p>
<p>“I’m so glad I got to meet the real Aikawa Eri. You’re much fun than the woman I met on that date.” </p>
<p> “Yeah. I didn’t like her either. Love sucks. Let’s have fun, Takano.”</p>
<p>He let his hands and mouth do the responding.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So I finally named a chapter after an Adele song.  I'm not sure why it took so long but I figure it's appropriate for a chapter involving Takano doing a post mortem on his relationship with Onodera.</p>
<p>The new editor at Emerald, Oshima Nagi, is taken from <i>Nagi no Oitama</i>, the manga and jdrama. I highly recommend the drama. So in my head canon Nagi comes back to Tokyo after her long vacation and works at Marukawa Shoten. </p>
<p>
  <a href="https://mydramalist.com/35629-nagi-no-oitoma">Nagi no Oitoma</a>
</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. I Love Your Love</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Akira smiled. Again. And laughed at himself. Again. Every time he thought of Ritsu he started smiling and laughing.  He was being ridiculous, and he didn’t care. He was in love with those olive-green eyes, that insane bod, the fierce and yet fragile personality, and everything else he had yet to understand all coming together to form the beautiful man known as Onodera Ritsu. All his. Well not his in the sense of ownership, but in the sense of being part of his world in a way nobody else was. </p>
<p>And Fumi liked him, which meant a lot. His big sister had often been the canary in his relationship coal mine. She could be overpowering and probably did overpower Ritsu at first, but by now he was fine with her. Ryoma also seemed to like him, although when they met for lunch, he’d been mostly occupied helping his wife handle their offspring and handling his wife’s barely concealed homophobia. </p>
<p>His mother had almost flown in until Akira reminded her that he was visiting in a couple of weeks. Without Ritsu. Because they weren’t going out six months ago when he purchased the tickets. Which meant two whole weeks thousands of kilometers away from the love of his life. He already purchased line so he could ambush his honey with sad cute faces, so he’d know how much he was missed. He thought of buying Marukawa ones from the manga magazine Ritsu to work out, but that would probably constitute torture, even though the bunny looked so cute in a sad pouty version.  </p>
<p>He was at Marukawa for yet another meeting with his editor. Someone should have warned him how long this process took when he first started. It was now over a year since he signed the contract for his memoirs. At that point he had written two drafts and had a vague idea that the book would be in stores in half a year.  He would be lucky if it would be out within two years of signing the contract. </p>
<p>Some of the time was spent consulting with lawyers regarding the sensitive information included concerning his experiences with his first coach so he could steer clear from any libel problems. After he notified Coach’s relatives. They didn’t respond well, but knowing they had no legal standing made it easier. His memoirs wouldn’t be fun for them, but maybe their husband and father shouldn’t have been in an inappropriate relationship with a minor or later tried to kill him. Akira had every right to tell his story, especially if it helped other victims of abuse to know they weren’t alone. </p>
<p>And yes, he loved attention. He couldn’t wait for the reactions about his sexuality and that he had a boyfriend, although he told himself that it would help anyone who was struggling with their sexual identity as well. Too bad he couldn’t include that beautiful pic of them from their beach trip the weekend before. Ritsu looked so relaxed and happy. </p>
<p>The meeting went well. Kurosawa Kokoro drove him nuts with her endless suggestions and changes, but she was cheerful as well as practical and her edits made sense.  He could see how much it improved the quality of his writing. She also believed in his ability to tell his own story. The first editor he’d been assigned refused to touch his work unless Akira used a professional co-author chosen by the editor. Akira had refused and it ended up going all the way to the President. That had been eye opening. The Isaka he met when he signed the contract seemed ineffectual and ridiculous. This Isaka was every centimeter a leader. Within ten minutes he’d listened to Akira and solved the problem. </p>
<p>And now he had pages of edits to work on. If Ritsu wasn’t supporting him and didn’t reassure him how normal the process was he would have wanted to give up. Okay not give up but he’d be a lot more disillusioned. Ritsu. Maybe he’d be free for lunch. </p>
<p>He turned on his phone and frowned at the notifications and missed phone calls flashed on the screen. Within the last hour Ritsu had called him five times and sent multiple messages asking him to call. Weird. He quickly called and Ritsu answered on the first ring. </p>
<p>“Akira! I’m so sorry! I forgot you had the meeting with your editor this morning!”</p>
<p>“It’s okay. What happened? Are you alright? You sound frantic.”</p>
<p>“It’s my grandfather. He died and... can you come over? I’m on my way to my father’s house and I just - I need you.”  It was a good thing Ritsu couldn’t read thoughts because his was something like, ‘aw, baby’ and Ritsu did not like being called ‘baby.’</p>
<p>“Where’s here? I assume not Marukawa. I just got out of my meeting.” </p>
<p>“I’ve been at the hospital with my father all morning. We’re leaving now.”</p>
<p>“Should I stop at home and change? I’m dressed super casual.”</p>
<p>“I know. Your usual t-shirt and jeans?”</p>
<p>“Sweats, but yeah.”</p>
<p>“Let me think… we’re going to arrange the shrine and some close family members are coming over. Could you maybe change into regular pants and that nice blue blouse?” Akira smiled. They were starting to sound like a married couple. “You don’t need anything fancier. Then can you meet me at my parents’ house after? I’ll email you the address.”</p>
<p>“No problem. I’m sorry about your loss.”</p>
<p>“We’re in shock. I just saw him last week! I can’t believe this!  They’re saying he died in his sleep. I guess I should be happy that he wasn’t in pain and he lived a long life. Still. I can’t believe he’s gone!” </p>
<p>“I’m sorry. Hang in there. I’ll be there soon.”</p>
<p>It wasn’t until he was almost at the Onodera family house - no, it was more like a mansion- when he realized the full implications of him being there when only Ritsu’s father knew the truth about their relationship. Not that it mattered. Who was going to talk to him? And Ritsu needed him.</p>
<p>Akira noticed six servants at first glance. Some people were on couches who looked at him confusedly but didn’t bother introducing themselves or asking him who he was. Typical rich snobs. He’d had enough experiences at the Suzuki main family house to recognize the treatment. He looked around for Ritsu.</p>
<p>“Akira! Over here!” <i>Akira.</i> That was new. Ritsu was by the shrine. Perfect. He’d light some incense and give his respects to Ritsu’s grandfather, who had accepted Ritsu’s homosexuality and even encouraged him. That was impressive for a man his age. Maybe Ritsu looked like him. He squeezed Ritsu’s hand discreetly as he looked at the pictures by the shrine. Maybe the woman was Ritsu’s grandmother. And next to that was Ritsu’s grandfather. He blinked. Because he knew that face. Those olive-green eyes and distinguished looking face who had often seemed both stern and loving. He started tearing up. No surprise there. He’d always been emotional. </p>
<p>“Grandfather.” </p>
<p>How had he not realized? He knew Grandfather’s name was Onodera and Ritsu told him he used to live with his best friend. He just never connected it. It made sense that someone as closeted as Grandfather told his family he was living with his “best friend.” By contrast, everyone in his family had been told the truth, because Grandpa was out at a fairly young age. </p>
<p>This was the man, who could sometimes be distant but had helped him when he needed him the most after the rape and genuinely cared about him. This was Ritsu’s grandfather? </p>
<p>Ritsu was looking at Akira with a puzzled yet concerned expression on his face. Funny, he looked nothing like his grandfather, but how many times had he seen that same expression his grandfather’s face? </p>
<p>“Akira? Are you okay?” </p>
<p>“I’m sorry. It’s just… it’s Grandfather.” Like, that would explain anything.</p>
<p>“I don’t understand. You knew him?” </p>
<p>“You know how I lived with my grandpa for three years when I was in high school?” He leaned over to whisper the rest in Ritsu’s ear, “His lover was your grandfather.” Ritsu looked dubious, but he continued. “I knew his name was Onodera but it’s not that uncommon. When I met you, I never thought you could be related. I used to write to him sometimes after my grandpa died, but we lost touch. You have his eye color. Although I think that’s pretty much all you resemble him.”  </p>
<p>Ritsu had steered them up a staircase to get more privacy.</p>
<p>“I think you’re mistaking him for somebody else. My grandfather was married. He had kids, Obviously. He’s my <i>grandfather</i>.”</p>
<p>“And?”</p>
<p>“There was no way he could have been with your grandfather. Why are you laughing?”  </p>
<p>“Because you’re telling <i>me</i> this?  It’s not like you’ve never met anyone bisexual before. You even met one of my ex-girlfriends.”</p>
<p>That had been awkward, but at the same time satisfying. Watching them stare at each other in disbelief had been so hilarious Akira had almost laughed in their faces. Ritsu had a dubious expression on his face. You’d think an intelligent man like him wouldn't find it so hard to believe that his grandfather swung both ways. Although grandfathers were like fathers; nobody thought of them as ever being young or as sexual beings.</p>
<p>“Oh. Yeah. I guess you’re right. I’m sorry.” </p>
<p>“It’s okay. I lived with our grandfathers for three years though, and I’m telling you, they were a couple.”</p>
<p>“Are you sure?”</p>
<p>“Absolutely.”</p>
<p>“I was always told he was his friend. I met your grandfather when we used to visit my grandfather at his house. He used to scare me. Sorry.” </p>
<p>“Seriously? But he was so sweet and harmless.” </p>
<p>“I’m sure he was harmless. I was young with an overactive imagination. I thought he was a youkai in disguise. I can’t believe him and my grandfather… they were so different.” </p>
<p>“Superficially maybe. Although I was busy, so I didn’t see them that much and they weren’t exactly into PDA either, but and I think they had a lot in common.”  </p>
<p> “I don’t mean to say bad things about your grandfather. He was a brilliant poet. I remember having to learn one of his poems in middle school. I bet you learned it also. It’s famous.”</p>
<p>“I learned his poems in high school. I was in America for middle school. You believe me? I’ll describe my grandfather.  He lived in a yukata and kept his hair kind of scruffy and shoulder length and often had a cigarette in his mouth?”</p>
<p>“Yes. He looked so different from my grandfather.” </p>
<p>“Because he was a youkai, obviously.” </p>
<p>“You’re making fun of me.” </p>
<p>“Sorry. He did act a little weird, but he was sweet. I wish I got to know him better. I didn’t see him that much as a child because my father didn’t approve, so we met him secretly at my aunt’s house or a family restaurant. All because my father couldn’t handle him being gay. I was excited when I moved into his house so I could get to know him and meet a real gay couple. It’s special don’t you think? Our grandfathers were lovers!”</p>
<p>“Can you not be so loud?”</p>
<p>“The door is closed, and nobody can hear us.” They had ended up in Ritsu’s room. It looked comfortable and had a built-in bookcase covering an entire wall as well as the usual bed, desk, closet and dresser and a two-seater couch. The ultimate reader’s bedroom. </p>
<p>Ritsu looked so cute when he was flustered. If this weren’t the wrong time, he’d take advantage of that bed of his. </p>
<p>“I just don’t understand, Akira. Grandfather was so prim and proper. I can’t see him being anybody’s lover. How do you know they were a couple and not good friends who decided to keep each other company?”</p>
<p>“They just were. Your grandfather did confuse me at first.  He made it sound like they were friends, but it was obvious they were lovers. One night I couldn’t sleep, and I decided to get something to drink, and-”</p>
<p>“Please don’t tell me our grandfathers were getting hot and heavy in the kitchen.”</p>
<p>“Not exactly.” </p>
<p>“So how did you know?” </p>
<p>“From what I remember my grandfather was annoyed and complained to your grandfather that he was horny. They should just go to bed already and I wouldn’t hear the moans. Which I couldn’t.  Because their bedroom was nowhere near mine. Smart grandfathers.” </p>
<p>“Oh. I kind of wish I hadn’t asked that question.”</p>
<p>“What’s the big deal? I want to be like that when I’m in my seventies.” </p>
<p>“I don’t want to think of my grandfather like that.” </p>
<p>“I hear you. I guess. It doesn't bother me, personally. I just remembered how I tried asking your grandfather questions - more like fishing for information and I didn’t understand that he really didn’t want to talk about being gay. My grandpa ended up telling me how I was pissing Mr. Onodera off, and that pissed him off so shut up, which was the ultimate proof that they were lovers. They were very protective of each other like that. </p>
<p>“Sometimes I’d catch them giving each other meaningful looks or stroking a cheek. Stuff like that. I used to look at them and wish I could find that kind of love, and looking at you and realizing how much I love you-”</p>
<p>“Do you know how sappy you’re starting to sound?”</p>
<p>“You mean romantic?  I’m surprised. You’re the one who worked in Shojo manga. Think of how intense this is. Our grandfathers were lovers and so are we.</p>
<p>“Now you’re going to say it’s destiny.”</p>
<p>Akira wrapped his arms around Ritsu. His Ritsu.</p>
<p> “Well, isn’t it? I bet our grandfathers are up there cheering us on.”</p>
<p>“Oh please. Although I remember reading a plot line like this one.” </p>
<p>“And if there wasn’t somebody would have to make one.” </p>
<p>“I’ve always wondered why he was so accepting of me being… you know… but now it makes sense.” Suddenly Ritsu yelled out. “I just realized something! When I visited Grandfather in the hospital a couple of weeks ago, I showed him a picture of us on my phone. I remember he looked surprised when he looked at it. Also, sad. I can understand him being surprised because he knew you, but sad?” </p>
<p>“Since I look so much like my grandfather, I bet it’s because your grandfather missed him.”  </p>
<p>“There’s something else that doesn’t add up. The last time I saw my father, he told me that when he was growing up neighbors of his who were homosexual often brought him and his siblings treats. I wonder if what he was really talking about was your grandfather.” </p>
<p>“Maybe. He originally moved in to help your grandfather with his children after your grandmother died.”</p>
<p>“So, my father probably lied?”</p>
<p>“Only to protect your grandfather. I’m sure you know how private he was. Maybe he wanted to support you but didn’t want to tell you too much.” </p>
<p>“Yeah. That must be it. Maybe that’s why my grandfather never told me about… you know.” <i>You know.</i> Ritsu was almost as closeted as his grandfather had been. Akira decided to pretend not to understand. </p>
<p>“You know?” </p>
<p>“You know! Okay, fine. About being gay. Are you happy?” </p>
<p>“I’m always happy when I’m with you.” And watching Ritsu roll his eyes was the icing on the cake.  </p>
<p>“Grandfather left a box for me in his room. Want to come with me?”</p>
<p>“Let’s go.” </p>
<p>“You really look exactly like your grandfather?”</p>
<p>“Well, your grandfather told me once that when he first saw me, he thought he’d gone back in time, but my weird clothing and accent gave it away. I figure it’s a strong resemblance although I know my eyebrows and my chin are from my mom’s side.” </p>
<p>“Got it. What kind of weird accent?”</p>
<p>“I had lived in California for over four years so I’m sure I sounded weird. I never noticed it.” They had reached Grandfather’s room, but Ritsu frowned as he put his hand on the doorknob.</p>
<p>“It feels wrong going in without permission.” Ritsu knocked and then opened the door slowly, peeking his head in, almost like he was expecting somebody to be there. Immediately Akira smiled as he noticed a writing desk. </p>
<p>“That was in the old house! Grandfather always sat there and did- well, whatever he did. Maybe he wrote letters or did the accounts. Just seeing this brings me back. Oh, Ritsu. Look over here. It’s a shrine. And look at this picture. He looks so young here.” </p>
<p>“Wow. You do look like him. How did he turn into that old man with the scraggly hair? And please promise me you’ll never grow your hair out like that.” </p>
<p>“I always thought he had a certain charm, but I’m not planning on dressing the same and I’m also not taking up smoking.” </p>
<p>“Good. This must be the box. Do you think he taped it enough times? Let’s bring it back to my room and check it out.”</p>
<p>It ended up being surprisingly complicated to open. Maybe Grandfather thought that if he taped it enough times in different ways then intruders would give up?</p>
<p>It consisted of four leather bound books, and another box.</p>
<p>“I hope it’s not one of those boxes in boxes in boxes kind of thing.”</p>
<p>“And hopefully with less tape, but I like how you bite your lip when you’re concentrating, Akira.”</p>
<p>“What? I don’t bite my lip.” </p>
<p>“Wow. Look at this!” Ritsu handed him a black and white picture of two men sitting on a park bench. “It’s them! I wonder where they are or who took it. I can’t believe this! It’s like I’m looking at you!”</p>
<p>“I can’t say the same. Who do you look like?”</p>
<p>“My mother, except for my eyes.” </p>
<p>The second box contained an envelope with Ritsu’s name written on it, more photographs together with a smaller box tied with string which contained letters.</p>
<p>‘Do you think they’re love letters? Your grandfather was a secret romantic.”  </p>
<p>“Who knows. Maybe it’s from authors he discovered like Sumi Ryouichi.”</p>
<p>“He discovered Sumi Ryouichi? Wow.”</p>
<p>“Yep, and many other famous authors. I’m so overwhelmed by this box. I don’t know where to start. After I read the letter. Maybe with the journals. It’s comforting to get this from him. It makes me wish told me about himself and your grandfather. Maybe this is his way of talking about it.” </p>
<p>“Yeah. That would be amazing. Should we go back downstairs?” </p>
<p>“Nothing much is happening right now. I think we should spend more time up here alone.”</p>
<p>“You’ve become so direct lately, Ritsu. I love it.”</p>
<p>“It’s all because of you, so take some responsibility.” It was so quick, Ritsu grabbing him closer for a kiss as he untucked his shirt and started stroking his chest. </p>
<p>They hadn’t gotten far when they heard somebody coughing behind them. </p>
<p>“Father!” Ritsu cried out in surprise. This was like high school except they were too old and how had they both not realized they left the door wide open? Ritsu looked like he was about to faint. </p>
<p>“I’m sorry I- uh we didn’t realize… uh, I found the box.”  Was that a smirk on Ritsu’s father’s face? He didn’t look like his father that much. Although he also had those signature Onodera olive-green eyes. </p>
<p>“I take it you’re the new boyfriend?”  At least the older Onodera seemed to be finding this amusing, which was hopeful. Especially considering his father had just died. He stood up and bowed. </p>
<p>“I’m Suzuki Akira. Sorry for meeting under such awkward circumstances, sir.”</p>
<p>“What awkward circumstances? You were both looking at a box when I showed up.” He winked. Ritsu’s father was not at all how he’d imagined him. “You look a lot like your grandfather. You know he moved in with my family after my mother died?”</p>
<p>“Yes. I lived with him for a few years there when I was in high school.”</p>
<p>“Ah, I remember hearing about that from my father.”</p>
<p>“I’m sorry about your loss.”</p>
<p>“Thank you. I’m still in shock. Part of me expects to see him walk out of his room any moment now. At any rate, Mother is still looking to set up an omiai for you, Ritsu. Now isn’t the right moment, but maybe if you introduced her to Akira, she’d get the message. She won’t listen to me.”</p>
<p>“I told her so many times, and she doesn’t listen. Last time I was here she gave me all these profiles. She thinks it’s a phase.”</p>
<p>“Ritsu, you’re 27. How long is she expecting this ‘phase’ to last? Sorry. It’s not my business.”  He regretted it as soon as he spoke. How many times had people told him to think more before he spoke? </p>
<p>“You’re dating my son, which makes it your business.” </p>
<p>“Got it.” </p>
<p>“Maybe we could go out for dinner, the four of us.”</p>
<p>“What if she has a nervous breakdown when she sees Akira?” </p>
<p>“She’s a tough lady, and I think she’ll survive this.”</p>
<p>“Survive what exactly?”  </p>
<p>Somehow Akira knew life was going to get more exciting as he watched the woman who had to be Ritsu’s mother approach them.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Title is from Official Hige Dandism because it fits Akira a lot better than the original song title did </p>
<p>
  <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bt8wNQJaKAk">I Love Official Video</a>
</p>
<p><a href="https://shinitakashi.blogspot.com/2020/02/official-hige-dandism-i-love-english.html"> Lyrics with romaji and an English translation.</a> </p>
<p>Perhaps it’s too cheerful a song for a sad chapter since Ritsu’s grandfather died, but he had a nice long life. Trust me. I made him up!</p>
<p>Kurosawa Kokoro is yet another character portrayed by Kuroki Haru of <i>Nagi no Oitoma</i>/. <i>Juhan Shuttai!</i>, which takes place in the world of manga. I guess she eventually transfers to Marukawa conveniently in time to edit Akira’s memoirs, because why not. The jdrama is slice of life and has a lot of good actors. Definitely recommend. </p>
<p>
  <a href="https://asianwiki.com/Sleepeeer_Hit">Juhan Shuttai!</a>
</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0019"><h2>19. I’m Moving Forward Somehow</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Today was a shit day from start to finish. None of the authors were cooperating, and now that he got back from handling one problematic mangaka Aikawa’s author had tried to reach him. What the hell was Usami Akihiko’s problem? How Aikawa had lasted this long as his editor was a mystery. The phone conversation he’d overheard was a clue though. She wasn’t intimidated by the man. Who knew how Ritsu had handled him. He was a huge fan of Usami’s work which wasn’t necessarily a good thing for an editor. </p>
<p>Great. He frowned at his phone. That was 9 hours 23 seconds since the last time he thought of Ritsu. He noted the time on his phone. His therapist had the weirdest ideas, but they helped. And the data didn’t lie. He was thinking of Ritsu less and less. Moving on. It comforted and saddened him., but it was part of grieving or so Dr. Watanabe had told him.</p>
<p>“Takano, Usami Akihiko’s calling you back.” Kisa yelled. </p>
<p>Of course. Because now that he was running to a print run meeting he’d call back. He sighed. Usami didn’t know Masamune’s schedule.  He put on his most polite voice. </p>
<p>“Usami Akihiko, what a surprise. I’m a little busy right now. Can you call me in maybe six hours?” </p>
<p>Or maybe skip the call altogether?</p>
<p>Fortunately, the author was amenable, which didn’t stop Masamune from dreading the phone call. It had to be about Aikawa. They didn’t have any other commonality. The irony that he was dreading speaking to one of his favorite authors wasn’t lost on him. Usami was such a letdown. He was immature, insensitive, and seemed to think the world revolved around him. And yet his novels were masterpieces. It was one of those ironies he’d never understand. </p>
<p>After a wasted hour at the meeting, he got to work editing some storyboards. He was just getting into a good pace when he was disturbed by another pest. He lost Onodera because of this bastard. Except he couldn’t. Kiyomiya was manipulative, but he didn’t rape Ritsu. Looking at his smug face made Masamune want to punch him in the nose. It wouldn’t help but it would be satisfying. Instead, he marked the time on his phone’s notepad. Not that it was his fault. External influences caused him to think of him. </p>
<p>He could scream, but it would just make Kiyomiya more smug than he already was. He didn’t have to be that polite though. Not even bothering to look up from his work, he spoke in a calm but brusque manner.</p>
<p>“Onodera’s not here. He transferred to a different department.”</p>
<p>“Ah. I do remember him saying that. I was away in Eastern Europe, so I forgot.” </p>
<p>And why do you think I give a crap?</p>
<p>“Literature’s the second floor.”  </p>
<p>“He transferred to Literature? I’m glad. That’s always been his true love. I always thought Shōjo manga was beneath him.” Deep breath. Deep breath.  </p>
<p>“He’s dating somebody.” Ritsu being with that Suzuki idiot was preferable to him falling into the hands of the Kiyomiya bastard. Not that it was his business.</p>
<p>“Oh? We’ll have a lot to talk about then. Nice seeing you, Saga Senpai.” Masamune rolled his eyes. That Saga Senpai crap had gotten old a long time ago. What an idiot.</p>
<p>Ritsu was right. They had to meet again so they could break up again, but finally this time. Years ago, this had led to a ten-year long obsession, but now he was managing to move on. </p>
<p>A cursory look at the clock showed that Usami would be calling in a few hours, and he suspected he would be needing a drink beforehand.  Maybe a certain auburn-haired editor would join him. He dialed her extension.</p>
<p>“Aikawa? It’s me. Are you off soon? I’m headed to the izakaya for a drink. Want to come?” </p>
<p>“Yes. Although I have to make a quick call to a usual suspect.”</p>
<p>“Usami Akihiko? He’s supposed to be calling me later, by the way.”</p>
<p>“That’s strange. Any idea why?”</p>
<p>“No clue.”</p>
<p>They met in the lobby and after a couple of drinks they went to her place. He was relaxing on her couch when the call came through.</p>
<p>“Is this Takano Masamune? This is Usami Akihiko. Are you available now?”</p>
<p>“Yes. What can I help you with?”</p>
<p>“It’s about Aikawa.”</p>
<p>“Okay…”</p>
<p>“Onodera Ritsu was my editor for a couple of my novels awhile back. What you might not know is six months ago he stayed with me for a short while and by accident I happened to overhear a phone call or two between you.”</p>
<p>“Could you tell me where this is going, because so far none of this is your business.”</p>
<p>“Aikawa Eri is my editor. If she’s dating someone abusive that would be my business.”</p>
<p>“How sweet. I didn’t realize you were so close.”</p>
<p>“We aren’t. It would be inconvenient, however, if my editor were unavailable because her boyfriend was abusing her.” </p>
<p>“I don’t know what you overheard, but you have a distorted picture of my relationship with Onodera.”  Except it wasn’t Usami’s business. “Aikawa Eri is a grown woman who knows how to take care of herself, and I haven’t, nor plan to do anything to hurt her, so you can stop worrying.” Because Usami was clearly concerned, but too proud to admit it.</p>
<p>Once Aikawa heard her name she started mouthing words at him. He waved at her and she pouted playfully. Cute. </p>
<p>“I never said I was worried.” Yeah, keep telling that to yourself, Takano thought. Maybe Usami thought if he were caught caring about his editor, she’d take advantage of him. </p>
<p>“I’m relieved, because Aikawa would probably want you to worry more about your next deadline than her personal relationships.”</p>
<p>Aikawa was too adorable with all her gesturing. She gave him a thumbs up.</p>
<p>He managed to finish the phone call without alienating the idiot too much. Aikawa was finishing something in the kitchen for dinner. He sat on the couch. </p>
<p>“For such a brilliant man, your author is a complete idiot.”</p>
<p>As she walked over, He took the opportunity to grab her by the waist and drag her over to him.</p>
<p>“Hey. Take a break.” He untucked her blouse and let his hands wander as he remembered his pet peeve about women: bras. </p>
<p>Suddenly she looked at him seriously as she straddled him.</p>
<p>“Stupid question, but do you still wish you were with your ex?” </p>
<p>“What brought that up?”</p>
<p>“It’s been in the back of mind.”</p>
<p>“It’s going to take time to really get over him. I’m headed that direction. I still wish things had gone differently, but I’m okay.” </p>
<p>“I guess part of me wonders if you’d be happier with a man. I know we’re just friends so I shouldn’t really be nervous about this. But I am. </p>
<p>“You find yourself getting a little too deep? He moved her hair from her neck and started nuzzling and sucking. He lowered his voice to a whisper. “Would it make you feel better if I’m starting to feel the same way?” </p>
<p>“Hmmm. That feels nice.” She suddenly stopped as if she was finally processing what he said. “Wait.”  She put her hand on both sides of his face and forced him to look into her eyes. Shit. Her ferocity was hot.  “I don’t want to hear what you think I want to hear. Tell me the truth.” </p>
<p>“I am. I’ll always care for Onodera. I need more time, but I realized today that I am getting over him. The fact that he’s happy with someone else was hard, but I’m realizing that I’m happy for him. And now I’d like to become happy for… us. I like you Aikawa. I like you a lot. </p>
<p>“Are you saying you want to date more seriously? No pressure of course.” For a woman who seemed so strong, deep down she was so vulnerable. Kind of like him.</p>
<p>“Yeah.” </p>
<p>“You mean that?” </p>
<p>“Did you really think I'd say no?” </p>
<p>“Yes. It’s just gone so well so far. I’ve been waiting for something bad to happen.” </p>
<p>“Has anything bad happened so far?” </p>
<p>“Everything’s been wonderful.” </p>
<p>“Great. Let’s just take it slow. Except in the bedroom. The pace there is just fine.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Title is from Who I Am by Milet which was used in, yes, another recent jdrama about seven kick butt secretaries.</p>
<p>This is kind of Takano’s happy ending. Well for this story at least. I have more <strike>pain</strike>, err more plans for him, hopefully for the sequel.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0020"><h2>20. Everything I've Ever Dreamed</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ritsu frowned and looked at his phone. 3:22 am. He let out a groan of frustration.  This had to be the third time already waking up. It was ridiculous. Akira went on planes all the time and visited his mother twice a year, and nothing had ever happened so far. He was fine. At the same time, Akira’s flight would be getting in less than an hour. He could just stay up a bit and distract himself. </p>
<p>Maybe he’d read the journals? Again?  He had read the first three multiple times. Akira had taken the last volume and kept forgetting to bring it back. He hadn’t expected them to be  so intense. He had dealt with so much loss. His father. His wife. His child. And more recently his best friend. No. Husband, he corrected himself the way Akira always did. He would be proud. Akira. Maybe he’d look at pictures online, to appreciate how brilliant he was as a player. Ridiculous. Ritsu still knew nothing about tennis. No. It was to appreciate how he looked in shorts. He’d watch some online videos instead. It was good Akira had no clue how many times Ritsu watched videos of him. It would definitely go to his head. But he was so cute. The way he bit his lip when he was concentrating was exactly the same now. </p>
<p>Now if only Mother would accept him. Especially now they’d met. And it could have been worse. She could have been the one who caught them making out in Ritsu’s room instead of Father. </p>
<p>It was still awkward when she approached him, Akira and Father in the hallway. Ritsu had immediately felt guilty somehow. Mother looked at them, then smiled at Akira. </p>
<p>“Hello, I’m Onodera Ayumi. Who are you?” She had on that polite over friendly voice she used for people she didn’t know. </p>
<p>“Mother, he’s with me!” </p>
<p>“My name is Suzuki Akira. I’m a good friend of Ritsu’s. Please take care of me.” </p>
<p>Akira bowed. Everything would be fine. </p>
<p>“What he means is that he’s Ritsu’s boyfriend.”  </p>
<p>“Father!” Were both his parents out to get him today?</p>
<p>“It’s the truth, isn’t it Ritsu?”</p>
<p>Ritsu looked up and into the eyes of his lover and tried to peel away the embarrassment. This was so not him, but it wasn’t fair to Akira either. He suddenly felt anger. If he’d been straight nobody would think if odd that his girlfriend had come to support him. It wasn’t fair to him either! </p>
<p>“Father’s right. Akira is my boyfriend. We've been together for awhile now.”</p>
<p>“Ah.”</p>
<p>The silence was torture. His mother kept looking back and forth from her husband to her son to Akira.</p>
<p>“Yumi.”  Father’s firm voice seemed to wake her up. </p>
<p>“It’s nice to meet you, Mr. Suzuki. Do you also work at Marukawa Shoten?”</p>
<p>“No. I used to play tennis professionally, but now I’m teaching and working on my memoirs.” </p>
<p>“Akira was a former gold medal winner in Singles Tennis awhile back. I’m sure you remember him.” </p>
<p>“That’s why you look so familiar! I can’t believe this! I watched every competition of yours that they televised!” </p>
<p>Mother and Akira ended up talking for an hour. Ritsu never realized how much his mother loved Tennis. Ritsu looked at his father in shock, but he just shrugged. Maybe that’s what happened when you were married for so long. Ritsu ended up having a wonderful conversation with his father, which didn’t happen often, even when he lived at home. They set up a lunch date. It wasn’t for another three weeks but it was a start. </p>
<p>Ritsu looked at his phone. 4:30. He was falling asleep.  Akira’s phone was probably still turned off, but he’d leave a message anyway, even if it was ridiculous. He sighed as he heard recorded Akira and then realized he hadn’t thought of what to say. </p>
<p>“Uh... it’s me. I’m just calling to see how you’re doing but I guess you’re not in California yet. So… um… call me when you can. I um… uh… I miss you.” He groaned. That sounded so stupid. </p>
<p>He dreamed of two boys waiting outside of a school. </p>
<p>“Oi, you’re getting mud all over me!”</p>
<p>“I’m sorry. I just got excited. Don’t you get excited about mud puddles?”</p>
<p>‘No, I don’t! I enjoy being clean. And what are you doing here anyway? You don’t look familiar.”</p>
<p>“I’m Suzuki Haruhiko. I just moved here. You can call me Haru.”</p>
<p>“Onodera Kyosuke. You can call me Onodera. What are you going to do now? School’s starting in five minutes and you’re covered in mud.”</p>
<p>“Ah. That’s so sweet of you to worry, Kyo! I’m sure it will be alright.” he put a muddy arm around the other boy.</p>
<p>“Oi! Don’t call me that! And you’re getting mud all over me!”</p>
<p>The scene changed to a bedroom and the same boys who are now teenagers. One is sitting on a bed. The other is walking over a bottle and two glasses in hand. Both dressed in fancy dress.</p>
<p>“How did you smuggle the sake out, Haru?”  Haruhiko poured Kyosuke a glass.</p>
<p>“You didn’t notice how much alcohol is all over the place? I love engagement parties, but it’s a miracle your brother found somebody to marry him. I guess even assholes have their soulmates.”</p>
<p>“Haru! That’s... not nice.  You’re always saying bad things about him”</p>
<p>“Because he’s a bastard and you know this. He should be taking over the family business. Instead, he gets to do his medical research and you’re going to be saddled with all the work,</p>
<p>“It’s not like I’m not happy though. I want to take over Onodera Shuppan. You’re way more upset about this than I am.”</p>
<p>“He’s always denigrating you. Why are you laughing at me? I’m annoyed on your behalf and you’re laughing!”</p>
<p>Suddenly Kyosuke grabs his friend and starts kissing him, and Haru responds. Kyosuke pushes away, looking horrified.</p>
<p>“Shit, Kyo. You don’t know how long I wanted to do that.”</p>
<p>“Aren’t you going to punch me?”</p>
<p>“Punch you? I’ve been attracted to you since we were in middle school. Just too scared to do anything about it.”</p>
<p>“Yeah?” More kissing as the scene fades out to the boys now in their early 20s.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry.”</p>
<p>“Like that’s helpful.” </p>
<p>“I am sorry! I thought we’d have more time. I didn’t know Father’s illness would progress so quickly. I never wanted to hurt you.”</p>
<p>“I get it. Give me the profiles because I’m handling the research. I know what you need better than you do. If I leave this to you and you end up with someone horrible, I’ll never forgive you.”</p>
<p>“How will you do the research?”</p>
<p>“Seriously, are you naive? The same way I researched your brother and all the women he was sleeping with. I know a good detective.”</p>
<p>“Ah.” </p>
<p>“Yes. Ah. It’s good I did because if I hadn’t the bastard would have told your father about us, and then where would we have been? Oh. And here’s an early birthday present.”</p>
<p>“A poem. Oh. Nice. I see I’m a mountain now? A rigid unyielding mountain’ - that is me, right? Nice.”</p>
<p>“I might have been a bit mad when I wrote that.”</p>
<p>“I’m sorry.”</p>
<p>“Stop with the ‘I’m sorry’ when you’re doing the right thing. I’m selfish because I don’t want you to leave me. I’m such an idiot loving you, and don’t look at me with those sad eyes. Like I would have done anything differently.”</p>
<p>Ritsu woke up with a start. He was used to dreaming scenes based on novels he was reading, but it was jarring dreaming about his grandfather’s journals, and after looking so much at the photographs he’d even managed to visualize believable images of them in his dreams.</p>
<p>He suddenly needed Akira. It wasn’t too late there. Maybe he was up? </p>
<p>“Ritsu! I got your message, but I didn’t want to wake you up. You’re up early. Everything okay?”</p>
<p>“Yeah. I had this weird dream about our grandparents and I- I missed you.”</p>
<p>“Yeah? I miss you too. What was it about?”</p>
<p>“Just their lives together and how my grandfather had to get married and it made me wonder what if we had to split up so you could produce an heir.”</p>
<p>“Thankfully, we don’t, although it is legal for us to get married here. We could have a beautiful beach wedding in California.”</p>
<p>“That sounds so embarrassing, Akira.”</p>
<p>“That’s me. I don't know how I’m still awake. I barely got any sleep on the plane. But hearing you now makes me want to hear your voice if you know what I mean.”</p>
<p>“You are hearing my voice.”</p>
<p>“I mean stuff like, ‘Ah, Akira, there, yes, there. More!’ That kind of thing.”</p>
<p>“I can’t believe you! You are such a pervert.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, and you’re not?”</p>
<p>“Okay, fine, but it’s all your fault.”</p>
<p>“I’ll take that as a compliment. I’m falling asleep but first, what do you miss about me when we’re doing it?”</p>
<p>“That low noise you make when you’re almost ready to, you know, and you sort of gasp. ‘Ah! So good!’” </p>
<p>“Nice. You’re amazing at this. It makes me want to do more. It’s not as good as in person, but with you on the phone maybe we could have fun anyway?”</p>
<p>“Where are you?” </p>
<p>“In the living room obviously with my mom and Alex watching. What do you mean where am I? I’m in my bedroom. So, what are you wearing?” </p>
<p>“Uh… I don’t know. It’s weird. You’re there and I’m here and-”</p>
<p>“And I’m hard. I want you so much.”</p>
<p>“How do you want me?’</p>
<p>“I want you to take me now.”</p>
<p>Ritsu started blushing. How could he be getting aroused just from hearing Akira’s voice? And why not? They were dating. It was normal, and the part of him getting embarrassed could just shut up. </p>
<p>“Okay, let’s do this, Akira. Consider it the appetizer for when you come back.”</p>
<p>“Yes. The appetizer for our six-course meal.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>The chapter title is taken from Don’t Think Twice by Utada Hikaru.  </p>
<p>
  <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=il1zid5_lnI">Don't Think Twice</a>
</p>
<p>This is as close as I got to a lemon with this story.  And the start of my self-indulgent writing featuring the grandfathers because I like them.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0021"><h2>21. Tell Me What is Inside</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Something was wrong.</p><p>He wasn’t sure what it was, but something was off with Ritsu. He had that look; the ‘I’m trying to hold it together, but really I’m about to lose it’ look. Akira knew Ritsu had little relationship experience and wasn’t used to being open with his feelings. He knew that acceptance, love, and patience were in order, but it was so hard. Akira was used to open direct communication and watching Ritsu struggle made him want to scream. </p><p>He couldn’t complain either because it took him a long time to tell Ritsu his own messed up history. Akira ended up giving him the latest version of his memoir because Ritsu was a reader after all. Ritsu would go up to him and hug him when he reached difficult passages. If Akira had known that he would have given it to him sooner. </p><p>The point was that just as Ritsu had given him space when he must have been curious about aspects of Akira’s life, he had to do the same. It had to be the ex. That relationship sounded dysfunctional and heartbreaking enough. </p><p>He concentrated on finishing dinner which was one of Ritsu’s favorite comfort meals: hambagu with grilled vegetables, soup, and rice then they sat down, and as he gave thanks for the food, he inwardly gave thanks that Ritsu had chosen him. </p><p>“Mmm. Real food and it tastes delicious. Thanks.” </p><p>“Any time. It’s so good to be back.” </p><p>“You were going to tell me more about your trip. It sounded like there were hundreds of people at your mother’s birthday party.”</p><p>“Not hundreds, but I’ve got a lot of cousins on that side of the family, so they came, and a lot of them are married so they brought their spouses and children, and my mother’s colleagues at her university came so it was a lot. Oh, and my siblings of course, but then we were the hosts, well us and Alex, my mother’s husband. It was a lot of work, but so worth it. She did so much for us, when we were growing up, mostly on her own, she deserves much more than a party. It was nice seeing family too. I missed you though, and now I have more work. Can you believe my editor wants to make one more round of edits on the memoirs? I thought I was finished.”</p><p>“Wow. You have such a large family. I think the time it’s taking for your memoirs isn’t so long though. Producing a book always takes longer than you think it will.” </p><p>“I know. I’m just restless. How was your day? Anything interesting happen?” Akira couldn’t help himself. Fishing didn’t count as direct. You’re upset. Let me in already. Tell me what’s going on.</p><p>“Nothing much. Except for one thing. It wasn’t a big deal. I don’t even know why I’m telling you.”  Oh, man, just spit it out! Akira knew better not to say and hoped he was keeping his face sufficiently neutral. </p><p>“Want to tell me anyway?” He deserved an acting award for this, because inside he was screaming. </p><p>“You’re going to laugh because It’s stupid. I decided to get lunch from the convenience store, and I know that’s not the healthiest, but it’s better than energy drinks. So, I was at the elevator and <i>he</i> got out right when I was going in.”</p><p>By he, that could only mean one person. Ritsu’s ex. </p><p>“I jumped when I saw him. I felt so ridiculous, because Kisa -my old co-worker- already told me he’s dating a woman in my department. They were probably meeting for lunch. I don’t know why I reacted so strongly, but it brought me back to when I was working for him, how I never knew what was going on; how conflicted I was. Stupid reason to freak out, right?”</p><p>“I don’t think so. You have a lot of trauma. What I’m surprised at is nothing happened before. Maybe because you never see him.”</p><p>“But why should I still have trauma? That was months ago! I’m with <i>you</i> now, and happy so why did I react that way? I feel so weak.”  </p><p>“For ten years you were obsessed with him, and you weren’t clear even then what he really thought about you, and when you met again, it sounds like you never knew where you stood with him. And then he ended up raping you. That’s a lot. Your reaction makes sense. It was instinctual and protective.” </p><p>“And I don’t like it! I hate that I’m panicking just because of seeing my ex.” </p><p>“I hear you. It’s hard to heal from trauma. This is partly why I wrote my memoirs. Abuse can get ignored and the victim is not believed and treated badly way too often. I wanted to send a clear message that it’s wrong and to victims that it’s possible to survive it.” </p><p>“So, it wasn’t just to publish gorgeous photos of you in shorts?” </p><p>“You’re changing the subject, but, hey, you like those? Nice.” </p><p>“Not like I noticed it that much or watched videos of you when you were gone or anything.” </p><p>“You did? That’s so sweet.” </p><p>“Don’t let it get to your head or anything! I was bored and you were in California.” </p><p>“Admit it. You love my ass.” </p><p>“Well… yeah.” </p><p>“Thanks. And I thought you were going to yell at me. But to get back to what we were talking about, I think you would benefit from a therapist.  My mother made me see one, and I was resentful at first, but it helped.” As he was finishing the sentence Akira realized maybe he’d gone too far, especially with Ritsu furrowing his eyebrows and frowning.</p><p>“Isn’t it a bit extreme?”</p><p>“I don’t think so, but I grew up with a mother who was very pro therapy. We had therapy when she divorced my father also.”</p><p>“I’ll think about it, okay?”</p><p>“Thanks.  It helped a lot, although we probably needed it more when he was living with us. He was such a bastard. I still don’t understand why he married my mother. He used to complain that everything she did was ‘American’ and how she was ‘turning’ us into Americans. Well, hello, you married an American, asshole.”</p><p>“I’m sorry. I don’t understand why he got so angry at you just because you cried a lot. You were little.” </p><p>“He was angry I look so much like him and yet I’m not really like him at all. He was also unpredictable. At times he was loving, well in his own way. He introduced me to Tennis, and he encouraged us with school and our careers. Of course, the cynical side of me says this is because our successes reflected well on him.” </p><p>“I’m sorry.” </p><p>“Yeah. I learned how not to be father from him. What was your father like when you were growing up?” </p><p>“He wasn’t usually not around, and my mother was busy running charity events. We have a huge library and I’ve always loved reading, so I was usually there. I loved when my father brought me into the office, though. Everyone treated me like royalty, I got to spend time with him, and I also met famous authors and the best part was I always got a book to take home with me. I knew I wanted to work at the company by the time I was ten.”</p><p>“That’s neat that you’ve had that clarity about what you wanted to do so early and that you think the best part of going to your father’s company was receiving books and not meeting, say, Sumi Ryouichi.” </p><p>“Meeting an author is special but books are forever.” </p><p>“Is that a quote from something?” </p><p>“Yes. From the Book of Ritsu. Anyway, I was trying to say something.” </p><p>“Oh. Oops. My bad. Sorry.” </p><p>“When I was in my last year of middle school that summer, I worked at the company doing odd jobs. One day I went on an errand and I saw him walk into a hotel with a woman and they looked too friendly. I still wonder what was going on there.” </p><p>“You think he was having an affair?” </p><p>“Who knows. It bothered me that whole summer. He must have sensed it because he asked me a few times why I was being so weird. It’s not like I could ask him if he was committing adultery.  It felt so surreal, realizing I barely knew anything about my own father.” </p><p>“That’s intense. I hardly know your parents, but he seemed so good with your mother.” </p><p>“He <i>is</i> good with her. He understands her and he’s so patient with her, but maybe he’s so good with her because he’s got someone else on the side. Yuck. I really don’t want to think that.” </p><p>“Yeah. Let’s change the subject. To therapy! Yeah, I know you don’t like it, and I’m only going to say one more thing and that’s it unless you bring it up. I don’t like to see you suffer from what happened with your ex and if you could be helped even a little wouldn’t it be worth trying? Change doesn’t happen overnight, but it can help.” </p><p>“I said I’d think about it and I will think about it. Thank you.”  Ritsu smiled and squeezed Akira’s hand. What a smile. </p><p>“Did I tell you that everywhere I went on my trip it felt wrong because you weren’t with me?”</p><p>“Maybe once or twice.” Ritsu’s smile turned into a frown. “You’re not just saying that?” This man needed a self confidence booster shot.</p><p>“I never say things I don’t mean. The trip was wonderful, but it was missing something and that’s you. I want to take you to so many places. My favorite beach. It’s so private and beautiful and the Castro in San Francisco which is the gay mecca there… the Golden Gate Bridge and there’s so many people I want you to meet.” </p><p>Also, gay marriage was legal there and you didn’t even have to be citizens either. They weren’t there yet, but a little research couldn’t hurt. </p><p>“It’s not California, but maybe we could go on some day trips.”</p><p>“That would be amazing. I love you, Ritsu.”  Where had that come from? He was waiting for another time and place for that, but it had just come out. Well, why not. It was true. Akira stretched across the table to pull him for a kiss. </p><p>“Thank you.”  ‘I love you’ would come in time and Akira was willing to give him all the time he needed.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Chapter title is from Inside You by Milet </p><p>I was never into personality types but I finally did mine and it turns out I share the same personality type as Ritsu (according to fans). No wonder I like him so much!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0022"><h2>22. You Don’t Have to Worry</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Chapter 22 You Don’t Have to Worry</p><p>As Onodera typed his proposal at furious speed, he remembered his first one; how Takano watched him work for hours before helping and how infuriating it was. Now he was grateful. As rude and difficult Takano could be as a boss, he knew what he was doing and making Ritsu slog through that proposal had been the right thing because he was now a pro at writing them.  </p><p> It was for Saito Natsuo’s new mystery novel. Her books centered around a couple who owned an advertising agency in Nagano in the Taisho era, but in their spare time solved murders. Saito’s research was impeccable and her storytelling engaging. Ritsu enjoyed them, although wondered how likely it was that a couple from a hundred years ago would keep bumping into corpses. </p><p>He was so absorbed in checking the proposal it took him a moment to notice the man standing in front of his desk.</p><p>“Ritsu, it’s been a long time.”  </p><p>Ritsu smiled awkwardly at his old friend, Kiyomiya Nao. They hadn’t spoken for months, although Ritsu sometimes looked at Nao’s Instagram for the photos. </p><p>“Nao! How are you doing? You look great. I’m sorry I couldn’t lend you my apartment last time you were here.” </p><p>“It’s fine. You already apologized. I’ve completely forgotten about it.” </p><p>“Are you here for work? I’d love to talk, but I’m a little busy. Maybe we can meet for coffee?” </p><p>“What about dinner tonight?” </p><p>“Tonight’s not going to work, but maybe next week. I’ll check my schedule.”  </p><p>“That sounds good. I was here a couple of days ago. I didn’t know you transferred so I went to your old department and spoke to Saga Senpai.” Ritsu inwardly rolled his eyes but didn’t correct him. Nao bent over and whispered in his ear. “He told me you have a new boyfriend. Is that true?” </p><p>“Yeah…” Ritsu looked around nervously but didn’t see anyone in hearing distance. “I’m not out at work.” </p><p>“I know. That’s why I’m whispering. Can I meet him? I hope he’s a lot better than <i>Senpai</i>.” </p><p>“He’s great, and I’m sure he’ll be happy to meet you.” Onodera felt relieved. Nao was acting like a friend again and not a frustrated lover. It was hard not to feel a tension though. The last time he saw Nao was the worst night of Ritsu’s life. And it wasn’t even Nao’s fault. Still, it was good Nao wanted to meet Akira, because Ritsu would need him in all his Akira glory: his smile, easy going attitude, and abundant confidence. And that muscular torso. Ritsu had always been awkward about love and sex and he still was at times, but Akira had been so patient. He was never in a hurry, just calmly saying things like “Ritsu, can I hear your voice more? Ritsu, does this feel good? Do that again, it’s so good.” All in that low voice that turned Ritsu on so much.</p><p>“You okay, Ritsu? You look a bit red. Do you have a fever?” Ritsu almost gasped in shock. How could he be thinking about sex with Akira now?</p><p>“I’m fine. It’s just a bit busy right now. I’m sorry for being rude. I better get back to work. I’ll call you later about dinner plans if that’s good.”</p><p>“Great! I’m supposed to be on the fifth floor in five minutes anyway to meet my editor for the new book.” </p><p>“Sounds exciting. Good luck.” </p><p>At home later Ritsu smiled. How did he survive the grueling work schedule at <i>Emerald</i> for so long? With his new schedule, he still had a full day at work, but was home in time to make a proper dinner. The menu tonight was chicken curry, rice and a salad. His apartment was less a disaster zone and more like a home. He did use his couch as a clothing dumping ground at times, but he’d recently gotten a book about organization skills -Okay, Akira had given it to him- and after Ritsu pouted, because the gift was a nice way of saying <i>Ritsu, you are a slob</i>&lt; he read it and found it surprisingly helpful.</p><p>Akira was coming for dinner.  They were seeing each other a lot either at Ritsu’s or Akira’s place. Finished with the meal prep, Ritsu rested on the couch and waited for him to show up. Akira knocked then entered with his key and slid off his shoes. Ritsu sighed. It seemed like this guy got more gorgeous every day. </p><p>“I’m home.” </p><p>“Welcome back.”  Ritsu smiled. They were being so domestic.</p><p>“I love when you drool all over me, babe.”</p><p>“I’m not drooling and has anyone told you you’re an egomaniac?” </p><p>“Just about everyone. What’s for dinner and can I help?” </p><p>“Curry rice and salad and you can set the table.”</p><p>“Thank you! Did anything exciting happen?”  </p><p>“I had a phone meeting with Maeda Ruri which went well, and I wrote up a book proposal for Saito. She’s got a new book coming out next year. The meeting’s tomorrow. I doubt I’ll have problems.”  </p><p>“That’s exciting! I love her books. Probably because of her gifted editor, but, seriously, I learned more about the Taisho period from her than history class, although the last book was a little formulaic.” </p><p>“I’ll make sure to tell her that. My friend from high school in England, Kiyomiya, showed up.” Ritsu added, pretending to ignore Akira’s raised eyebrows as they sat down and said thanks for the meal. </p><p>“The guy who confessed to you and then disappeared for months? Not that I’m complaining.” </p><p>“Yes, him. I still don’t know what he was thinking. He’s a travel photographer, so he’s out of the country a lot.  He said he saw Takano who told him I’ve got a boyfriend. He wants to meet us for dinner.” Ritsu frowned. Why <i>did</i> Nao want to meet Akira? Had he really reverted to being a caring friend? Aside from An, who had gotten married and moved to Australia, he didn’t really have any friends. Maybe Nao had a new girlfriend? Or boyfriend? He was always talking about girls in high school, which is one reason why his confession had surprised him so much. But maybe all this time he was bi like Akira, who was waving his hand in front of Ritsu trying to get his attention. How long had he been doing that?</p><p>“You there? You seem tense. Is something wrong?”  Akira was way too perceptive sometimes.</p><p>“Sorry. I didn’t mean to space out. I was thinking about Nao and what happened. I miss the days when we were friends. He saved me in England. But I also have horrible memories of the last time we saw each other. </p><p>“You know what’s ridiculous? That was the day I thought Takano and I were finally getting somewhere. We were working on a project and he was treating me more like an equal and things were starting to feel right. It was raining. I remember we ran from the station and then Nao was at the entrance to our building - he probably was waiting for me to let him in - and Takano snapped and that’s when…” </p><p>Ritsu’s vision started to get blurry.   He vaguely registered Akira walking them over to the couch and flinging a bundle of clothing somewhere as he held him close and his tears turned into loud sobs.</p><p> “I don’t know why I'm being so emotional.” He complained after he calmed down a little. </p><p>“Maybe seeing him triggered the memory. Also, you just saw Takano a few days ago. That probably didn’t help either.” </p><p>“But it happened months ago and I’m happy with you now. Why can’t I get over this?” Ritsu felt another sob come and tried to stop it.</p><p>“It’s okay. Let it out, Ritsu. You don’t need to apologize.” Akira stroked his back while he cried. Finally, Ritsu sighed, grabbed a few tissues, and blew his nose.</p><p>“I’m okay. Thanks. I’m sorry. We should finish eating. Dinner’s getting cold.” </p><p>“Yeah. Ritsu cries his eyes out. But what about dinner? It’s getting cold!”  Akira looked so comical, Ritsu started laughing, and then kissing made everything better; that and exploring Akira’s muscular abs a bit before finishing dinner. Well, every day was a good time for that.</p><div class="center">
  <p>***</p>
</div>They met Nao a few days later at a family restaurant near Ritsu’s building.  <p>Nao was being so obvious as he appraised Akira. He was acting like Ritsu’s protective older brother. Then they went on to finding out if they knew any of the same people. It helped that pretty much everyone in Japan knew who Suzuki Akira was and Nao was no exception. Ritsu tried to relax. Akira didn't have the baggage that Takano had, and he was also a likeable guy. </p><p>“I wasn’t sure if I should bring this up, but we have a connection you might not be so excited about.” </p><p>Akira smiled politely and looked confused. “What do you mean?’</p><p>“My mother’s maiden name is Higuchi.” </p><p>“Yes?” </p><p>“Her brother was Higuchi Michio.” </p><p>Akira frowned but quickly recovered, but Higuchi Michio was Akira’s first coach. This was bad! </p><p>“Got it.” </p><p>“Yeah. I never knew anything about any of this, until my aunt started complaining about your book. He always seemed normal, but you never know about people. It’s weird meeting you, because literally yesterday they were yelling about your book to me. They’re not happy.”</p><p>“Sorry, you’re aunt’s not happy. I thought it would be better if I told her so she wouldn’t have any uncomfortable surprises when it came out, but I’ve always wondered how she could not know about it. For years there were rumors about him. Unfortunately, the people who knew or suspected stayed quiet. And that’s how people like him can abuse innocent people for decades.  I consulted two different law firms, and both told me there’s no libel issues.” </p><p>“She’ll get over it. I’m sorry I brought it up. I’ll just not say I met you. My aunt is just upset. That’s probably why she said you’re only out for the money-” </p><p>“That’s bullshit!  I wasn’t the person who started an inappropriate sexual relationship with a minor. He was. He’s not the victim. I am. He molested me, and then he tried to kill me. I’m alive but he destroyed my career. It’s a miracle I’m not in a wheelchair because of him!”  </p><p>“Sorry. I have a bad habit of saying whatever comes to my mind. Forget I said anything. I’m sorry you’ve suffered so much because of my uncle.” </p><p>“It’s fine. I have a similar habit. I just wish your aunt would realize I’m not purposely trying to hurt her, but he screwed up my life. It’s not just me either; this crap happens all the time and so many assholes get away with their inappropriate behavior and they destroy people’s lives.” Somehow Akira had managed to find all three chopstick covers and had turned them into a mess of confetti as he talked. </p><p>“Yeah. Got it. Let’s change the subject and talk about somebody more interesting. Ritsu. Want to see pictures from when we were in high school? He used to let me take them for practice. And then sometimes I forgot to tell him I was doing it.” </p><p>“Hah? You never told me you used to take pictures of me without permission!” Ritsu breathed a sigh of relief that they had finally changed the subject. He had never seen Akira so upset or stressed out before. It must have been traumatising being abused and then barely escaping death when his coach ran his car off a cliff. If he hadn’t gotten out of the car before, he wouldn’t even be here. Akira smiled and looked a lot happier now. </p><p>“Pictures of Ritsu? Yes, please!” Ritsu pretended to glare at his boyfriend who was winking at him happily. “And you shouldn’t complain either, because you’ve seen enough pictures of me!”  </p><p>“Yeah, like the rest of the country.” </p><p>“It’s not my fault everybody used to love me.” </p><p>“I’m glad to see you’re dating a guy who doesn’t have any confidence issues, Ritsu.” </p><p>“You’ve got that right.” </p><p>“I’m also relieved to see that you’re in such good hands, Ritsu. Especially after that last guy. I don’t know if Ritsu told you about him, Suzuki, but he was a bastard. I’m glad you dumped him. I even tried to get you to dump him for me so I could get him out of your life. Sorry about the confusion, there.” </p><p>Ritsu exchanged looks with Akira. All that with Nao had been a pretense? Nao also had no idea what he triggered that night when he showed up and Ritsu wasn’t about to tell him. Nao realized something was up because neither Ritsu or Akira were talking. </p><p>“Sorry. I said too much again. Although it is funny we’re meeting for another reason, Suzuki. My co-author knew you at one point. You really get around.” </p><p>“That sounds ominous.” </p><p>“I doubt you’d remember him. Kurosawa Shunichi? He said he had an ‘encounter’ with you when you were famous.” </p><p>Akira had the grace to blush as he shook his head. </p><p>“Sorry. I don’t remember most people I met from back then. I got to know a lot of people then.” <i>Got to know.</i> Ritsu smirked. What a nice euphemism for sex partners. Kurosawa was one of a sea of people Akira “knew” then. He was lucky he never got an STD. Ritsu couldn’t imagine such a lifestyle, but he spent college cloistered with his books and only hung out with Kohinata An and tried to ignore that she liked him or that he didn’t like her or any other women he met, while any handsome tall lean emo guy with black hair, brown eyes made his heart pound. He used to think that was his type but here he was with Suzuki. He was barely taller than Ritsu, athletic. He was nothing like Takano. </p><p>“Ritsu? You there?” How long had Nao been calling his name?</p><p>“Don’t worry. He’s just taking a trip to Ritsu-space, Kiyomiya.” Akira said that way too calmly as he downed his tea. </p><p>‘That’s what you call it? I used to call it <i>Ritsu Dream Land</i>.” </p><p>“Hello? I’m right here!”  He’d been hoping they’d get along, but this was too much!</p><p>“Uh oh. We better stop. It’s dangerous to tease the brilliant creature known as the Onodera Ritsu.” </p><p>The rest of the evening went so well, Ritsu almost forgot Akira’s meltdown. Almost.</p><p>Later they were relaxing on the couch hopefully as a prelude towards the bedroom.</p><p>“That didn’t go too badly. I thought he was going to hate me when he said he was related to Higuchi, but then we got along okay. I guess he felt obligated as a nephew to say something, and I like that he’s protective of you. I’m pretty sure he got the message that the boyfriend position has been filled, and that’s good too.” </p><p>“He said he was never interested in being my boyfriend. That was so awkward. I felt relieved when he said that.” </p><p>“You really believed that he pretended to like you just to get rid of Takano? More like he fell for you, and is embarrassed that you rejected him, so to save face he pretends he never liked you.” </p><p>“You think so.” </p><p>“I know so. It’s how he looks at you – but it’s okay because it seems like he’s over you.” </p><p>Ritsu frowned as he remembered when Nao confessed to him. </p><p>“Don’t worry about it. He wants to be friends and I think that’s a good thing.” </p><p>“I hope that’s what he wants. I miss when we were friends.  And that reminds me - I can’t believe you both have a name for when I space out, which doesn’t even happen that often.”</p><p>“Yeah, just every other hour.” </p><p>“Akira!” </p><p>“Okay maybe not, but you must admit, <i>Ritsu-space</i> sounds good. It’s your safe space and a great coping mechanism.” </p><p>“Maybe, but it’s not like I try to do it! I’m glad you both got along though. And I’m sorry you were having such a tough time.” </p><p>“It was fine. He understands why I have to write this book and I appreciate that.” </p><p>“I still don’t understand why your coach tried to kill you? Also, why did you get in his car?” </p><p>“I was overconfident. I had just won big at a tournament and he went out of his way to congratulated me. He was acting normal, so when he asked if I wanted to drive around and reminisce, I figured it couldn’t hurt.” Akira paused for a moment. “No. That’s not the whole story.  There was a part of me that still felt close to him. Maybe it’s Stockholm Syndrome. I don’t know, but that’s why I got into the car. </p><p>“We were in Fukui City, so when he suggested we go to the Tojinbo cliffs, I figured why not. It wasn’t that long a drive, but he kept drinking from a thermos, and he started acting strange and his driving got erratic. And acting drunk. </p><p>“Then he started saying I ruined his career and talking about great people who had killed themselves and not much sense. By then I was starting to feel frightened. Jumping out of the car was probably the most terrifying moment of my life, but if I hadn’t I would burned up in the car with him.</p><p>“I don’t know what was worse; him trying to kill me or that he destroyed my career. I’m lucky I recovered but moving on after losing everything almost killed me. I was the best Tennis player in the world. And then boom it’s gone. My ability. The prize money, the endorsements. The fame. The certainty of knowing exactly who I was and where I was going.”  </p><p>“I wish I could go back in time and tell you not to get in the car!” </p><p>“Thanks. I’m okay. Losing my career was tough. I worked so long to get to a certain level and knowing I would never get anywhere near it again was beyond painful, but I went to university and got a degree in sports medicine and nutrition. I also had a lot of therapy both physical and emotional. I’ve got a great job supporting athletes. Then around six months ago I was subbing as a tennis instructor and this gorgeous guy walked in and changed my life.” </p><p>“Akira, you are the sappiest man alive.” </p><p>“It’s true. I had a feeling you were into me, which is always an ego boost, but I was worried you might be straight and get offended when I asked you out.” </p><p>“I thought <i>you</i> were going to say I was sexually harassing you. The only reason I asked for help was so you would put your arm around me and help me with the racket positioning.” </p><p>“Yeah? That’s cute. I’m so happy we’re together.” </p><p>“Me too.” Ritsu ran his hands through Akira’s hair and brought him close for a kiss. “I love you, scars and all.” </p><p>Comforting turned into a lot more intense pleasure on the couch in the shower and in the bedroom before they fell asleep exhausted. </p><p>And Ritsu dreamed again.  One had to be Akira’s grandfather so the other was Grandfather, Suzuki Haru, but it was fuzzy.  Suzuki was handing Grandfather an envelope. </p><p>“Congratulations. I hope you enjoy your wedding gift, but if it’s not satisfactory, it shouldn’t be difficult to exchange.”</p><p>Grandfather took out a paper and frowned as he read.</p><p>“What the hell is this? This isn’t a present this is a deed to a house in my name. What did you do and how much of your inheritance is gone now?” </p><p>“You told me you didn’t want to bring Masako to live in the main house because of your bastard brother so it’s not a problem now.” </p><p>“And do you have any of your inheritance left?” </p><p>“I have enough, and it’s mortgaged so you’ll still have payments, but I think you’ll find it less expensive than if you rented. It’s in a good neighborhood and not too far to your work.” </p><p>“Why?” </p><p>“Why? Because I want you and Masako to be happy. So just take the deed and stop complaining.” </p><p>“And you’re still planning on wandering?” </p><p>It’s called travelling. Got to do something now that I’m single.”  </p><p>“I’m sorry.” </p><p>“’I’m sorry?’ What happened to “Thank you?’ You’re getting a gift. And I thought you were the one with the good manners.” </p><p>“Thank you.” Grandfather’s voice was quiet. </p><p>It faded into another scene of the two men but they looked older. Suzuki Haru was wearing his signature yukata and the whole taiga/yakuza refugee look -long straggly hair stuffed into a ponytail and a cigarette hanging from his mouth. Ritsu’s grandfather wore his suit. They looked like opposites. They were in the kitchen or Ritsu’s idea of what their kitchen might have been. </p><p>“Everyone asleep?” </p><p>“For the third time yes. And also for the third time we are in the kitchen so watch where you put your hands and at least get rid of your cigarette. You know it makes me nauseous.” </p><p>Haru complied. “Happy now?” </p><p>“Not really.” </p><p>“You’re always like this close to Obon. You’re thinking of Masako and Ritsu.” </p><p>“He was so young. He told me multiple times that he thought his mother needed him. Why did he have to die?” </p><p>“He was too good for this world.” </p><p>Ritsu woke up with a start. He hadn’t had a dream about the grandfathers in weeks and both dreams had such intensity. </p><p>He looked over at Akira and smiled. He'd been through so much. Ritsu would never have imagined any of it when they first met. And it was Ritsu's turn to support Akira, the same way Akira had. Maybe that’s what being partners was about. </p><p>Akira was mumbling something in his sleep. For a man who couldn’t sleep in a moving vehicle he was a surprisingly deep sleeper at home. Ritsu wrapped his arms around him and closed his eyes, hoping he wouldn’t have any more dreams.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>The Title is from Mamotte Agetai by Yumi Matsutoya since both Ritsu and Akira get turns being supportive partners. </p><p>
  <a href="https://www.globemoon.net/waftf/moumoon/lyrics/mamotte-agetai_trans.html">Mamotte Agetai lyrics</a>
</p><p>
  <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jFZiKTvU2v8">Mamotte Agetai Video</a>
</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0023"><h2>23. Just Keep Breathin'</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Trigger warning: Ritsu has PTSD.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Ritsu sat in the small waiting room with one eye on the door. Why did he let Akira talk him into this therapy nonsense? What a stupid question. Because it happened again. And again. He never told Akira about the second time and only told him because he couldn’t handle it anymore. He was at his desk trying to figure out what was bothering him about a certain passage in Maeda’s short story and all it took was Takano walking by. It was probably his voice. He was on the phone. He felt hot and sweaty and his heart was racing, and he had to get out. He found an empty conference room and called Akira who thankfully answered quickly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey. You never call me at work. I feel so privileged.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Aki..ra.” Ritsu felt like crying. Even talking was hard. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What happened?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I saw him again. I thought it would be okay, but it wasn’t. He walked by talking on his phone. I’m scared. My heart won’t stop racing and it’s so hot in here.”  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Where are you?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I found an empty room.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can you take a deep breath?  After your next exhalation-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know how to do it!” Why was he snapping at Akira? He was being so calm and patient.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Great. Can you try to do that now?” Akira’s calm voice just made Ritsu feel worse.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s wrong with me? I just yelled at you and you’re trying to help!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ritsu, it’s okay. Just concentrate on your breathing. Everything’s going to be fine. You’re safe.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He tried not to think about things like what if people came in the room and found him sitting on the floor with his eyes closed doing weird breathing exercises or what Takano must be thinking.. It was so hard. All these thoughts bombarding him. He tried to imagine himself pushing them away and after what seemed like an hour but probably more like ten minutes he started to feel a little calmer, and then he realized the inevitable. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Akira. I need help.”  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And a week later here they were. Ritsu looked over at Akira who was dressed in shorts and polo shirt and flipping through a magazine. He sighed. This could become awkward. As supportive as Akira was, Ritsu would be talking about his ex and even now he couldn’t separate the good from the bad or how he still had good memories somewhere in there also. Nothing made sense. And his irrational fear was the worst. He knew that he was safe. Takano wasn’t going to hurt him again. Could a therapist detangle this? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ritsu felt a squeeze. Akira had put his magazine on his lap and held his hand.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nervous?” Akira whispered. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“People might be looking.” Ritsu whispered back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“They aren’t, but if you want me to stop-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No. It’s fine.” It was better than fine. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And I see how much you’re enjoying looking at my legs.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Only you wear shorts when it’s 10 degrees.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s more like 15 and you like it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Akira was obviously trying to distract him, but this was serious. What if this was a huge waste of time? And Expense! But if he mentioned the expense Akira would offer to pay and that wasn’t happening. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you sure this will help?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If you’ve got a good therapist and they’re the right one for you then it works. It does take time and you have to be ready to work hard.”  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, you said. I’m not afraid of hard work.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry, I know I’m being repetitive. I just want you to be happy.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ritsu smiled. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Onodera." a woman's voice called out. "Doctor Reizei can see you now."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They were led to a small room with a desk, numerous degrees on the walls and a woman who looked to be in her late 30’s. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hi. I'm Reizei Masako. Which one of you is Onodera Ritsu?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Ah. I'm Onodera Ritsu, and this is my… uh... my boyfriend Suzuki Akira." Onodera felt stupid, but it was hard to say. He'd spent so long hiding his sexual orientation. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Have you ever seen a therapist before?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ritsu shook his head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Before we start,  whatever we discuss remains confidential. It’s a strict policy in this clinic. We also don’t discriminate based on race, religion, gender or sexual orientation. I hope that puts you a little more at ease. Alright. You’re not here for couples counseling, correct?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s correct. He’s… he’s my support.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s wonderful. So’ tell me what’s going on.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s complicated. It has to do with someone I was dating. Sort of. It was never clear what we were. We knew each other in high school. We dated then, but due to a misunderstanding I thought he was toying with me and I uh… broke up with him. I didn’t see him for ten years. Then I switched companies and at first I didn’t realize it, but he was my new supervisor. He looked different and his name had changed and what also made things complicated is I discovered he was also my neighbor and had been for a year without me even realizing.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How did that make you feel?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Confused. For ten years I tried to forget him and discovering he was part of my life in two different ways was weird and confusing. Also, he remembered everything differently. I thought he had played with me and he told me that wasn’t true, and I didn’t know what I wanted. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Another weird thing was wee never dated properly. We didn’t date for a while then decide to be intimate we weren’t even dating but I’d end up in his apartment or he’d end up in mine and somehow we’d uh… do that... uh have sex. And I didn’t know if I even wanted it a lot of the time. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It felt like we were getting closer, until the rape happened. He was upset because I had told a friend he could stay at my apartment for a few days. The friend had confessed to me earlier so Takano didn’t like him. That’s my ex’s name. He lost control and he raped me.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The tears took him by surprise. By the time he got to the end of the sentence he was sobbing and too far too gone to even be embarrassed. Akira must have moved closer. Ritsu felt strong arms around him and somehow that made him cry more. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Finally, he took a breath and noticed Doctor Reizei had pushed a box of tissues to the edge of her desk. He grabbed a few and blew his nose. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry. I never do this kind of thing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t worry. I’m used to it and it sounds like you needed it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah. I left him after that. I found a different apartment and I transferred to a different department. Luckily, there was an opening in the department I originally wanted to work in so that worked out well. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I thought if Takano could prove he wouldn’t hurt me again I’d give him another chance, but then I met Akira. We were friends first, but it eventually became more. I’ve been happy, so I thought everything was fine, but then Takano started dating someone in my department and out of nowhere he showed up on my floor. We work in a large building and I hadn’t seen him in months. Maybe that’s why it took me by surprise, but when I saw him. I suddenly remembered how it was when he raped me. It felt like it was going to happen again. My heart was racing and I felt like I was overheating.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I thought maybe it happened because I wasn’t expecting to see him. I figured now that I know he could show up, it wouldn’t happen but each time he’s shown up it happens again. It’s frightening. I feel so helpless.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That does sound terrifying. Your symptoms sound very much like PTSD - post traumatic stress disorder. The good news is I can help you. There are techniques that have helped most people with PTSD. It’s a normal reaction to trauma.”  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"But why would it show up now?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“PTSD doesn’t necessarily happen right away. Some people get it years later. Also, you said you hadn’t seen Takano in months so we don’t know what would have happened if you had seen him earlier. He seems to be what’s triggering your reaction which is understandable since he was your abuser.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Abuser?  But I kept sending him mixed messages because I was confused and I didn’t make it easy for him. I don’t know. Is that really abuse because I feel guilty because I couldn’t be honest about how I felt, probably because I didn’t know how I felt. I don’t know. Is it bad that I still care about him? I’m sorry, Akira.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>What was he saying? He was hurting Akira. Maybe he’d want to break up with him now. What an idiot he was!  And what lay behind that reassuring smile anyway? Hurt? Jealousy? Ritsu hated it when they ran into one of Akira exes and he just said he cared about Takano! </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s fine. He was your only boyfriend and you loved him for years.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It sounds like there’s going to be a lot to discuss. At this point I think I should speak to Mr. Onodera alone.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course. I’ll be in the waiting room.”  Akira squeezed his shoulder for a moment and left. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And the rest of the session went better, but he kept worrying what Akira must be thinking. But it was true. Part of him still cared about Takano. Not in a romantic way but in an old friend kind of way. Even if Takano had abused him. He had abused him. And Ritsu had always known this deep down. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He had homework. Breathing exercises 15 minutes daily and writing his journal a few times a week. They would meet weekly until they weren’t necessary. Akira would have an important role as his support. Assuming he still wanted to be with him now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ritsu tried to convince himself that he was being ridiculous, but Akira’s uncharacteristic silence as they walked to the car was scaring him. It was so unlike him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You okay?” he finally asked as they got in the car. He was upset about that whole caring Takano thing wasn’t he. Or no? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Akira laughed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Isn't that my question? You were the one sobbing.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I told her I cared about Takano. Aren’t you upset?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Ritsu, that’s normal. He was a big part of your life. Even when you were trying to forget him you were still thinking about him. I’m not a jealous person. I’m more upset that he abused you. Okay, it also upset me to hear you say you share responsibility because you don’t. You were the victim and he’s the abuser and part of me would like to hurt him. It's good you're dating a man with a lot of self-control." He was doing it again. Trying to get Ritsu to laugh when the conversation got intense. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yes. I’m grateful to be dating the sexy yet oh so humble Suzuki Akira."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Exactly. But seriously, I’m not surprised you have PTSD. I was triggered just listening to you talk about the rape and I’ve gone through years of therapy. Just tell me anything I can do to help, okay?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I will. I get to do fun breathing exercises and you’ll be my support.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Great. I can think of some excellent breathing ‘exercises’ we can do at home.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re thinking perverted thoughts again, aren’t you?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course, I am.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I remember reading how it would be impossible for men to really think about sex every minute. I know I don’t, but I bet you do.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please. I’m driving my car and you’re next to me. It’s only natural my mind should drift to other driving experiences.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you trying to tell me something here?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why, yes, I &lt;i&gt;</span>
  <em>
    <span>would</span>
  </em>
  <span>&lt;/i&gt; like to top from the bottom tonight. You're so delicious when your cheeks get all red like that."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You’re always purposely making me blush!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You're right. But you look so cute I can't help myself."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What happened to your excellent self-control? Anyway, it's not fair. You never blush!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You have selective memory. I might not get embarrassed as easily as you do, but you've seen me blush on multiple occasions.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hmm. Maybe it was time to test that idea. Of Akira blushing. After Akira went to bed, before he could change his mind he ran to the bathroom, took off all his clothing, put on an apron and tried not to look in the mirror as he walked out. Then he slipped into the bedroom and frowned. How could Akira be already sleeping? Feeling ridiculous, he got on the bed and straddled his boyfriend, who looked so peaceful. Maybe this wasn't such a great idea? Still. Akira had just said he wanted Ritsu in the driver's seat.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Akira," he tried to make his voice low. "You've been a very bad boy."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I’ll do it tomorrow,” Akira mumbled. Great. He really was asleep, and it wouldn’t be nice to wake him up, except Akira would want him to. And he looked delicious in his tee shirt and boxers. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Akira please! I'm still hungry."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Watching Akira blink awake and realize what was going on, Ritsu knew dessert was going to be delicious. And it was. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Song title from Ariana Grande</p><p>Apologies for the story being intense. When I remember writing it the first time around I tend to focus on the  happy moments and on Ritsu becoming stronger, more confident and happier which was my goal for the story.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0024"><h2>24. If I Can Find the Time</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ritsu didn’t think this would take so long. He had inhaled the first three journals. All that history both personal and related to publishing, all the famous authors he knew had Ritsu enthralled, but this was different. It wasn’t fun reading that his nice dependable father, the one who seemed to be such a good husband even if he might not have been around enough as a father had also been unfaithful since before Ritsu was even born. How could he reconcile this with his own experiences? He couldn’t confront him. He didn’t even know the lover’s full name. His grandfather just referred to her as <i>Masa-chan</i>. Were they even together still? He couldn’t exactly ask him, ‘How’s your lover these days?’ Which also gave him and his father an eerie commonality: they both dated somebody whose name started with Masa. That was just… weird. </p><p>So, no confronting, but did his mother know? She could be overbearing at times, but she was a good person. And asking her would be even worse. How would he even bring it up? ‘And by the way do you know about the woman Dad might have been sleeping with for almost thirty years?’ </p><p>He sighed and put the journal back on the bookcase. Akira would be there any minute to pick him up for his brother Ryoma’s 38th birthday party. Akira’s family were nice, but they were a lot like Akira: extroverted and socially capable while Ritsu was introverted and although not exactly socially inept, he still would have preferred a nice bath and a good read. But they’d already picked out a present together and it felt nice being included in Akira’s family celebrations, even if it was awkward.</p><p>Ryoma’s home was lively. He and his wife Konoko had a ten-year-old daughter named Haruka, a six-year-old son named Hidetoshi and their youngest, Ryoko, who wasn’t quite three. Konoko had that same awkward smile she gave him the other two times they’d met each other. Was it that weird for her that Akira was dating a man? Did it have to be this awkward?  Her kids showed no reservations though and greeted him warmly and practically attacked with hugs. </p><p>“Uncle, when are we playing tennis again?” Haruka jammed her pointer finger in Akira’s chest.</p><p>“Soon. I’m sorry, I owe you a game.” </p><p>“I bet you’re scared I’ll beat you. I beat a boy at school last week. You won’t be the first!”  </p><p>“Haruka, you’re right. That’s exactly what it is, but it’s time for me to face my fears. Why don’t you ask your parents about next Sunday?” </p><p>Which is when they heard an angry voice from the kitchen.  </p><p>“What do you mean ‘mistake’? How do you invite someone by <i>mistake</i>?” </p><p>Akira stopped smiling and looked worried. Ritsu bit his lip nervously. Ryoma had seemed calm and easy going like Akira but the anger was unmistakable. </p><p>“Ryoma - please - I thought you’d be okay. It’s your birthday. Should I call and tell him not to come? There's time. He said he had to come late anyway.” </p><p>“You can’t do that now he’s invited. We’ll talk about this later.” When they didn’t have an audience no doubt. </p><p>Ryoma had a tight smile when he came back to the living room and pulled Akira, Ritsu and their sister Fumi into the entryway. </p><p>“I’m sorry, but I just found out Konoko invited Father to the party.” </p><p>“<i>Shit!</i> Akira yelled.</p><p>"There are children here,<i>Uncle</i>." Ritsu swatted playfully. </p><p>“Yeah. Sorry.” </p><p>“I told Konoko not to cancel because it would look bad coming from her, but I have no problems telling him not to come.” </p><p>“It’s okay. I’ll be fine.” </p><p>“Are you sure? It’s not like I wanted him here. What the hell was she thinking?”</p><p>“It’s okay, Ryoma. Akira and I are fine. Right?” Fumi didn’t look exactly happy though. </p><p>“Sure, sis. It’s not like we’re kids anymore.” </p><p>“It’s not right, though. I’ll talk to her later. We’ve been married ten years; she should know the situation by now.” </p><p>“Woah, woah, don’t do anything on our account.” </p><p>“This isn’t right, though. Like I’d want to see him on my birthday!” </p><p>“When is he supposed to get here?” </p><p>“We have a little less than an hour. Maybe we should regroup outside, just the three of us.” </p><p>Akira apologized and the three siblings went outside to talk, probably to discuss strategies. Poor Ryoma. For so many years he had protected Akira from their father when he was still a child himself. Now Akira had Ritsu. He didn’t really need protection, but Ritsu couldn’t help imagining him confronting the older Suzuki while keeping Akira behind him protectively. “This ends here!” Ritsu would yell before making a strongly worded speech while the older man cowered in fear and humiliation. </p><p>“What are you thinking?” </p><p>Ritsu spun around to see Akira with a hard to read expression. </p><p>“Uh… nothing?” </p><p>“Are you sure? You had this really cute, satisfied smile.” </p><p>“I might have imagined myself as a samurai avenging your honor.” </p><p>“Did you have a top knot? You would look so hot in a kimono, a top knot and a loincloth. You had one on, right? I’d love to see you in cosplay.” </p><p>“Can you talk to me seriously for a moment?”</p><p>“But this is so much fun.” </p><p>“Just answer me - are you okay?” </p><p>“I’m never 100% okay when my father’s around. I could be better.” </p><p>“Shhould we leave?” </p><p>“And miss the rest of my brother’s birthday party? No way! I’ll be fine, and you’re here, right? To protect me?” </p><p>“Like you need protection.” </p><p>“Maybe, but I like the idea of Samurai Ritsu. I just hope Ryoma doesn’t fight with Konoko over this.  She probably thought she was doing the right thing. As long as he doesn’t show up when we’re video conferencing Mom.” </p><p>Mom, otherwise known as Fernandez Ayumi, who Ritsu had spoken to on the phone once and seemed nice but had a reputation for not thinking anyone was good enough for her younger son. She was nice on the phone, but the pressure was on. </p><p>Luckily, she was too distracted by her grandchildren on the video call to be bothered with Ritsu much, but she smiled and waved in a friendly enough way and their exchange was nice. And she was thousands of kilometers away in California if she decided he wasn’t good enough. </p><p>They were just finishing up the call when Suzuki Riku arrived, and all the adults seemed instantly tenser. Ritsu focused on other matters, like whether Akira would look like this in thirty-five years. Ritsu looked over at Akira who looked like he was trying to be calm, but his unhappiness was so obvious.  Then he glanced at Ryoma who was talking with the older Suzuki in the entryway and then to Fumi who kept looking back from one brother to the other. It couldn’t have been easy for her either. </p><p>Riku was making the rounds from his children and his grandchildren, but finally he approached them. He smiled at Ritsu. </p><p>"Hello? Are you Fumi's boyfriend? Don't be frightened by how brilliant she is.” </p><p>Akira glowered at his father and grabbed Ritsu's hand possessively.</p><p>"Father, this is Onodera Ritsu. He's <i>my</i> boyfriend and he doesn’t get intimidated easily." </p><p>"Ah. I’m Suzuki Riku, Akira’s father. Did you say Onodera Ritsu?" </p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>“He's Onodera's Kyosuke's grandson. You know. Your father’s lover," How could he just say that so matter-of-factly? Ritsu blushed and couldn't seem to find his voice. Akira continued proudly. "Ritsu's an editor at Marukawa Shoten. He discovered Maeda Rumi." </p><p>"Ah, I’ve heard of her, although I don’t have much time to read. Too busy with my patients. I'm surprised you're not at Onodera Shuppan though."</p><p>"It's a long story. I hope to eventually return."</p><p>"And you're happy with my son."</p><p>"Yes.” </p><p>“Good. I won’t stay long. I just wanted to wish Ryoma a happy birthday and see everyone. The children are all growing up so fast. They remind me of you three so much."</p><p>It was so awkward with Akira and his siblings clearly wishing their father would leave, and how unhappy the older man seemed. Ritsu almost felt sorry for him except he had brought it on himself, but what if he regretted his behavior now his children were grown?</p><p>After spending a short time with his grandchildren and taking each of his children aside to talk privately which didn’t seem to be appreciated much, especially by Akira, he left and took most of the tension with him.  </p><p>It was only when they got back to Akira’s apartment that everything came out.</p><p>"Argh! It's so frustrating. He treated us like crap when we were kids and now, he wants to be close? What the hell?"</p><p>"What did he tell you?”</p><p>"He apologized. He said he wishes we were closer, but then immediately afterward he said I’d be happier with a woman. This, after he met you Everyone else has told me how happy I look when I’m with you. It just shows how little he knows me. The only good part is that he’s freaked out that you’re an Onodera. He couldn’t stop talking about it. How you don’t look like your grandfather except for the eyes and asking me if you’re really his grandson. And yes, it was amusing.” </p><p>"Everyone says you look happy when you’re with me?” </p><p>“<i>That’s</i> the takeaway message you got? But yes. It’s true. I thought you knew that.” </p><p>“I guess. It’s nice to hear. So basically, he doesn’t know you or really listen to you. That sounds frustrating. And it doesn’t sound like he was happy with my grandfather either."</p><p>“My grandmother hated my grandfather and taught my father to hate him and anyone or thing associated with him.  She also blamed your grandfather for my grandfather being gay, which makes no sense. They weren’t even together when my grandparents married, but people like having somebody to blame.” </p><p>"I wonder if my grandfather would have been happy being described as your grandfather’s lover."</p><p>“Maybe. He’s not here to be embarrassed though, and I got a feeling from his journals that he wished he could have been more open at least with close relatives. I think he would have liked to be the way we are.” </p><p>"Like we are? Last I checked, we're not open about our relationship outside of family."</p><p>"Yeah, but he wasn't even open with family. Take you for example and how certain our grandfathers were just friends."</p><p>"Good point. I felt a bit sorry for your father. He seemed sad and lonely."</p><p>"He shouldn't have been abusive when we were growing up. He did this to himself. This isn’t an anime. It’s hard to just forget decades of abuse.” </p><p>"I know."</p><p>"But you think I should forgive him anyway?” </p><p>"No. You’re right. You can’t ignore what happened and how he treated you." Ritsu put his head against Akira's chest and wrapped his arms around him. "But maybe you could give him a chance to prove that he’s changed.” </p><p>"He’d more likely prove himself to be a horrible person with an anger management problem and we already know that."</p><p>"Yeah. There is that risk, but somebody brilliant told me that change takes time. Do you have anything to lose by letting him have another chance? With important rules included of course."</p><p>"Rules?"</p><p>“Yes.  If he really wants to get closer he’d have to follow the ground rules you set. I think that’s what your brother does.” </p><p>“Not really. His ground rules mostly involve him coming as late as possible when our father visits, so he can see him as little as possible. And the worst thing that could happen is I have to relive more abuse. I’m not doing that ever again.” </p><p>“You’re right. It was a stupid idea. I’m sorry I mentioned it.” </p><p>"It’s not stupid, but it’s a bit naïve. You’re a caring person, so you see a bad situation and want to fix it. I just don’t think this is fixable.  I’m happier that my mom likes you. Her opinion matters a lot more to me.” </p><p>"She does It’s hard to tell because we haven't met in person.” </p><p>"She’s one of the people who keep telling me how happy I seem now. I think that’s enough for her.” If only Ritsu could stop his face from blushing. “Should I ask if you’ve read the journal yet? Never mind. I can tell already.” </p><p>“Yeah. I’m kind of still reeling from reading it. Part of me wishes I could understand why my father cheated and the rest of me wants to pretend I don’t know anything.” </p><p>“I would try not to think about it. It’s far from ideal, but I don’t think you have another choice.”</p><p>“I’m just worried I’ll start acting weirdly and he’ll notice. Then what?” </p><p>“I have no clue. Yeah, I know that’s not helpful. Maybe keep it vague.It’s too bad you had to see it. Maybe your grandfather forgot it was there. I think his main goal was sharing his life with you. I enjoyed reading about his life. I never know much about him. He had way too much tragedy, but I think it’s amazing he was with my grandfather for so long. Also, he was cooler than I realized; dating that guy who was 40 years younger than him after my grandfather died.” </p><p>“You meant that graphic designer he talks about mentoring? It says nothing about him being a boyfriend!” </p><p>“Yeah, but with your grandfather you need to read between the lines, and I felt major sex vibes. Seriously, do you know how many times he mentioned how athletic this guy was and how they enjoyed spending time together? And you’re saying nothing happened. Right. I’d like us to live until 100 and then die together, but if I die first, I won’t be upset if you have amazing sex with a younger man. Why not?” </p><p>“<i>What?</i> Can we change the subject please?” Sometimes it seemed like they had read two completely different sets of journals!  </p><p>“Sure. Thank you for choosing me even if I drive you nuts. As much as I think it’s amazing that our grandfathers were together, in the end we’re not together because they were. We’re together because we’re good for each other. At least I think I’m good for you.” </p><p>“You’re one of the silliest people I’ve ever met.” </p><p>“That’s a good start.” </p><p>“And you do bring out the best in me even if you do say embarrassing things half the time.” </p><p>“Aw. I try.” </p><p>“Do you really think I bring out the best in you?” </p><p>“Yeah.” Akira looked so sweet Ritsu finally understood what it meant to have your heart melt.</p><p>"I love you, Akira,” he whispered. </p><p>"I know."</p><p>"Hah?" Ritsu grabbed on to Akira and threw him down on the couch, knowing full well how much Akira was enjoying it. "Is that really what you want to say, Suzuki?"</p><p>"Master, please, I'll be a good boy." Akira looked more ridiculous than terrified with his eyes opened so wide. </p><p>"Oh yeah? Isn't there something else you want to tell your master?"</p><p>"I love you, Ritsu and I’m so happy we're together. But I have news for you." Before he could react, Akira had somehow managed to switch their positions. "I'm your new master." </p><p>Ritsu smiled. They were going to have a lot of fun tonight.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Title is from a Harry Chapin song, Cats in the Cradle</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0025"><h2>25. Movin’ On Without You</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ritsu frowned as he peered at Maeda’s manuscript, again, trying to figure out what wasn’t coming together. It was great that she wanted to start on a sequel, but she just won the Naoki prize and there was talk about a movie adaptation. Maybe she needed to put it aside for the time being. Everything had just clicked with her debut novel. And he could spend six more hours trying to figure out and still not get anywhere. He looked at his watch. Time to pack up. Akira said he was was going to make okonomiyaki. He’d even sent a pic of him wearing what looked like nothing but an apron. Didn’t people normally mark this NSFW? And he could barely see anything! </p><p>Tomorrow he’d worry about how to speak to Maeda. He had a boyfriend waiting and with Akira’s schedule being so busy with some sort of basketball conference Ritsu barely understood, they hadn’t seen each other in days. </p><p>Ritsu stretched, put a few folders in his briefcase, grabbed his coat and overnight bag and trudged towards the elevators.</p><p>It was only after he entered that he realized he’d chosen an up elevator. Well, what came up must come down, right? He sent Akira a message that he was on the way home, leaned against the back of the elevator and rested his eyes. He vaguely registered people getting on and off. Then Ritsu heard a familiar low voice.</p><p>“Onodera.”  </p><p><i>Takano.</i> </p><p>He looked up. It was just them. He started feeling hot. No. Everything was fine. Even if he looked weird. He closed his eyes and concentrated on breathing. Inhale. Exhale. Repeat. Any minute now they’d be at the lobby. He opened his eyes and smiled politely.</p><p>“Hi, Takano. How’s everything at <i>Emerald</i>?”</p><p>“Okay. Same old grind. How’s literature?”</p><p>“Great. I’m working on another Maeda Ruri novel.”</p><p>Why was this elevator taking so long?</p><p>As if in response, the elevator shuddered to a halt and the lights went out which was when Ritsu remembered he was in a small box that could easily, well not really that easily, but still possibly plummet to the bottom of the building at any moment. He could die now and never see Akira again. Takano’s voice jolted him a bit.</p><p>“Shit, it’s dark in here.” </p><p>“Can you reach for the emergency phone? I think you’re closest.”</p><p>“I’m trying to. Got it. Great. It’s dead. What am I saying? We have cellphones. Aikawa? Was there a power outage? No? The elevator I’m in stopped working. I think we’re somewhere between the 2nd and 3rd floor. The power’s out and the emergency phone isn’t working. You call maintenance and I’ll call 119. It’s me and another guy. Onodera from your floor.” </p><p>Then he mumbled something Ritsu couldn’t make out - not that he was listening!</p><p>Trying not to worry about how long they’d end up in the elevator he sent mail to Akira. At least the phones made it possible to see a little.</p><p>
  <i>Hey. I’ve got a bit of a problem. The elevator I’m in broke down. I’m still waiting for help.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Are you okay?? </i>
</p><p>
  <i>I’m fine. I’m not alone. Takano’s here. Can you believe it? He called 119 and somebody else called Maintenance, so hopefully we’ll be out of here soon. </i>
</p><p>
  <i>Are you sure you’re okay?? You’re calm? How’s your breathing?  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>I’m okay. I did some deep breathing right away. He’s not causing trouble. I’m just feeling a bit claustrophobic, but I’m sure we’ll be out soon.  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>Okay, let me know if anything changes.</i>
</p><p>Ritsu felt Takano’s gaze on him as he closed the phone. Maybe it was hell week.  </p><p>“This is about as cliché as it gets; us stuck in an elevator. I can think of at least six stories <i>Emerald</i> has run with this scenario.”</p><p>“Mutou-sensei had one a few months before I left.”</p><p>“Ah, right. Strawberry Sherbet.”</p><p>“It was <i>Love Star</i>, actually. <i>Strawberry Sherbet</i> was Saitou-sensei.” Maybe it was immature, but Ritsu couldn’t help feeling proud that he remembered, and Takano hadn’t. </p><p>“Ah, yes... So…”</p><p>“So…” Ritsu started noting a stain on one of the tiles. If he looked at it sideways, it looked like South America. </p><p>“I still freak you out.” </p><p>Ritsu kept looking at the floor.  How often did they clean this place? Another stain looked almost like Ireland. </p><p>“It’s my fault you’re like this.” </p><p>“What are you talking about? I’m fine.” </p><p>“So, awhile back when I walked by your desk and you ran off looking terrified - that wasn’t you freaking out? Because that’s what it looked like. I’ve been trying to avoid coming up there but sometimes I forget. And then tonight - it’s just obvious. I’m sorry.” </p><p>Ritsu gulped. How had he forgotten how direct Takano was? Maybe he’d pretend he didn’t understand.</p><p>“It’s not your fault we’re stuck here. I’m sure we’ll be out soon.”</p><p>“That’s not what I meant. Onodera. I’m sorry. About everything. About that night. It’s obvious it’s still affecting you. I was pressuring you. I just wanted us to be together, but I never ever asked you what you wanted.”</p><p>“It’s okay.”</p><p>“It’s not.”</p><p>“I wasn’t so perfect either. I didn’t know what I wanted, and we didn’t communicate well, but it’s okay. We’ve both moved on. And yes, I was having difficulties when you showed up on my floor, but it’s alright, because I got help.” </p><p>“You never were happy with me. Even in high school. You were so nervous all the time, always apologizing. I’ve never understood how you can be courageous and yet so fragile.”</p><p>“Ah.” That sounded stupid but there wasn’t anything to say. He <i>had</i> been a nervous wreck back then.</p><p>“You seem different now. Better.”  Was that a wistful tone? </p><p>“I am. Work is going well. I learned a lot at <i>Emerald.</i> and it’s helped me in my new position.” <i>I’m successful and I’m dating a man who makes me feel wonderful, happy and fulfilled.</i> You’re doing okay, Takano?” </p><p>“I’m fine. I’m dating Aikawa Eri in your department. Did you know she’s Usami Akihiko’s editor? How anyone can work with that man is beyond me.”  </p><p>“We’ve talked about it. I don’t know how Aikawa-san’s done it for so long. I barely survived after editing a few of his books.”</p><p>“She’s an expert at handling him. Oh. That’s her now, excuse me. Any news? Oh, ‘they’re working on it.’ Ah. And they can’t tell you how long it’s going to be. Oh, and you’ve got company? Ah, well tell Mr. Suzuki not to worry. His friend is doing fine. Tell yourself not to worry either and remind yourself how I’ll be making it up to you later.” </p><p>Ritsu was only half paying attention until he heard the word <i>Suzuki</i></p><p>Wait. Akira was there?</p><p>“Onodera. Hello? I see he still travels to The Ritsu Zone.”</p><p>“The Ritsu Zone?”</p><p>“It’s when your eyes glazed over; like you were in another universe. The Ritsu Zone.”</p><p>“It’s called thinking, Takano.”  </p><p>Why did people have to come up with names for when he spaced out? </p><p>This wasn’t nearly as horrifying as he’d feared it would be, although there wasn’t much to talk about after they’d caught up on the happenings at <i>Emerald</i>. And yet a year before they were boss and subordinate, neighbors, and lovers (sort of). How had that ever seemed normal? Now he had Akira, who was downstairs. Ritsu dialed his number.</p><p>“Hey, baby, I’m downstairs.”</p><p>“I feel bad you had to come down here.”</p><p>“It’s fine. I haven't started cooking yet, so I figured we can get some take out. Good news. Aikawa just told me they're working on it now. You should be out soon.”</p><p>“Oh, great!”</p><p>“And it turns out I know Aikawa’s younger sister from university. We were both in the tennis club.”</p><p>Only Akira would manage to find that type of commonality in what had to be five minutes.</p><p>“I think you know half of Japan.” </p><p>And somehow all of the ones who approached Akira were people Akira knew from his more promiscuous days who liked to check if Akira remembered them which he almost never did. then Ritsu would keep reminding himself that these people weren’t important even as he felt an irrational animosity towards them.</p><p>“Ritsu, you there?” Oh no. Did he space out that much?</p><p>“Yes. Sorry. Just thinking.” <i>How I missed hearing your voice and how grateful I am to have you.</i></p><p>“Yeah, I know. You’re a deep thinker.”</p><p>“You’re making fun of me!”</p><p>“Maybe, but you're cute. You’re like that sculpture of that man who’s got his fist on his chin and he’s thinking. You know, by Renoir?”</p><p>“I know. I think you mean Rodin, but you’re mistaken. I’m completely not cute.”</p><p>“That’s debatable, but the important thing is the guy is naked. So, he’s probably thinking of where he’s going to get some, and since he’s you, hopefully he’ll be thinking of me.”</p><p>“Pervert.”</p><p>“I don’t deny it.”</p><p>“You deserve a second gold medal for being the biggest pervert in Tokyo. It will look nice next to your gold one.”</p><p>“Aw, thanks for the nomination. I wanted to nominate you for biggest tsundere in Tokyo, but lately you’re more dere than tsun, so never mind.”</p><p>“Oh, be quie- oh wait, we’re moving!”</p><p>“See you soon!”</p><p> When soon came, and he exited the elevator, Akira not so discreetly glared at Takano.</p><p>“Relax, Suzuki. Nothing happened. It’s nice to meet you, but if you’d like to punch me, go right ahead.”</p><p>“Masamune!” </p><p>Aikawa Eri looked shocked and dismayed. It was interesting to watch. Maybe that was the type of person Takano needed? Takano grinned at her and was clearly enjoying himself. </p><p>“Nothing happened, so Mr. Suzuki doesn’t need to punch you.”</p><p>“I’m just saying what he was thinking.” </p><p>He bowed towards Akira. </p><p>“Takano Masamune. I’m on the fourth floor most days in the <i>Emerald</i> offices if you change your mind. I hope you continue taking care of Onodera.” It was surreal watching Akira politely bowing in response.</p><p>“Suzuki Akira and taking care of Onodera Ritsu is my life’s goal.”</p><p>Ritsu almost rolled his eyes but found himself smiling.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Title is from Utada Hikaru because Ritsu and Masamune have moved on. </p><p>Apologies for the stuck in the elevator cliche.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0026"><h2>27. Lonely is an Eyesore</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>8:30 at an izakaya. A perfect time for a drink and snacks after work, but no time would be perfect for meeting your future father-in-law. Ritsu should be spending more time with people like Fumi, not someone as hated as Suzuki Riku. Nobody liked him. Akira was right. They should have sent him the invitation in the mail.</p><p> </p><p>But this seemed like the right thing. Maybe he was being naive, but maybe being an outsider would help me figure out if the older man had changed. Which was stupid and flawed and he shouldn’t be here and yet he was and why? Because he wanted to erase that sadness he saw in Akira’s face. And that was impossible. </p><p>Akira was right. </p><p>Some things aren’t fixable.</p><p>And that was fine. Fixing Akira and his father’s broken relationship wasn’t his job. He was delivering an invitation. That was easy. </p><p>And it was too late to back out. Dr. Suzuki would be here any minute and ditching was not an option. Instead, he took another sip of his drink and browsed his emails. Lemon sours were perfect. He could have one without turning into an unfiltered mess. Unlike a few days ago when they were at Fumi’s house and she kept plying with him drinks. He didn’t even remember anything he told them, but the next morning Fumi looked like she was awkward or trying not to laugh and Akira had this weird smile and kept raising his eyebrow dramatically for effect and now he really wanted to know what he was talking about and they wouldn’t tell him! He was NEVER drinking at Fumi’s house EVER AGAIN!</p><p>Ritsu sighed. Who knew the antidote for his Takano shaped heartbreak would be Akira? He was barely taller than Ritsu, athletic - stocky even – with chocolate brown hair and blue eyes and that ridiculous laugh which should have annoyed him but made him feel warm inside. How could he ever imagine a life without him? He was loving, patient - well usually - and easy going. And if he didn’t quite understand the beauty of literature the same way Ritsu did, he was open to exploration like Ritsu was open to try mountain climbing. (On a climbing wall. He wasn’t so sure about a real mountain.) And the sex, well, he now understood why Takano loved topping so much. </p><p>And now was not the time to think of that. He was blushing which was <i>not</i> the look he wanted to have when meeting his fiancé’s father. </p><p>Suzuki arrived a few minutes ahead of schedule. Ritsu got up and bowed slightly in deference to the older man. The resemblance with Akira was striking although Riku was a little shorter, maybe and didn’t have the athletic build, but the faces were almost identical. Ritsu wondered if Akira would look like this in 30 years or so. Riku sat down and ordered a high ball making Ritsu feel self-conscious with his frou-frou drink. </p><p>"Dr. Suzuki, thank you for seeing me on such short notice."</p><p>"It’s not a problem.” </p><p>"I wasn’t expecting to meet you at Ryoma-san’s party. I hope it wasn’t too awkward.” </p><p>What was he talking about? How could it not be awkward? And not because Akira was dating a man. But he could pretend. For the sake of peace. Or something. </p><p>"It’s fine. I've known about Akira for a while. What I wasn’t expecting is you being Onodera Kyosuke ’s grandson. You know about my father and your grandfather’s… relationship."</p><p>"Ah, yes. I found out shortly after his death."</p><p>"I didn’t realize your grandfather died. I’m sorry for your loss” </p><p>“I’m glad he lived a long life, but I still miss him a lot. Anyway, the reason I wanted to see you was to give you this.”  Ritsu reached into his book bag and took out an invitation. “Akira and I are engaged.” </p><p>“Congratulations.”</p><p>“Thank you.” </p><p>“I still can’t believe Akira ended up with Onodera Kyosuke ’s grandson. If that isn’t karma, I don’t know what is.”</p><p>“Karma, Doctor?”</p><p>“I never understood my father. He was everything I didn’t want to be. My mother hated him because he married her. It was a huge mistake, and yet my sister and I were born because of it. But I learned to hate him and your grandfather more.”</p><p>What was Ritsu supposed to say to that? Nothing productive. Instead, he took another sip of his drink. </p><p>“I avoided my father until he was dying. And then it was too late. I’m not even sure why I’m telling you this. I went from being an angry child to an angry adult. I ignored my father and now my children ignore me. As they should. I never treated them well. It’s all karma. Even Ryoma only lets me see his children out of a sense of obligation. I tried to keep my children away from my father and his… lifestyle, and I have a son who’s engaged to a man. And now that I realize how wrong I was it’s too late. He’s not interested in seeing me, I take it?”</p><p>“Not today. Sorry.”</p><p>“I hurt him a lot. I hurt him, his brother and sister and his mother. You’re giving me an invitation, but you don’t really want me at your ceremony? How does this even work? It’s not legal.” </p><p>“We’re doing adult adoption here and getting married in California. It’s legal there and his mother lives there. </p><p>And Akira was excited about hanging the license on the wall as a visual reminder of their commitment to each other. He was so corny sometimes.</p><p>“So, are you being added to Akira’s family register? </p><p>Just the question Ritsu didn’t want to answer!</p><p>“Ah, about that… Akira wants to be added to my family register.”  Ritsu didn’t have to say that Akira was excited about how badly his father would take this rejection. </p><p>“I see. That makes sense.” </p><p>This conversation was painfully awkward. Akira’s father looked pathetic. He deserved everything he got but still...</p><p>“For what it’s worth, I think Akira wishes he could have a good relationship with you, but he’s hurting.” </p><p>“Thank you, Onodera-kun, but that’s not true. He wishes I would quietly disappear.”</p><p>“You hurt him badly and he has a lot of trauma, but If you’re willing to work hard, not expect much and be patient maybe over time he might get a bit closer? I’m not sure. You’ll have to speak to him.”  </p><p>And in fact, he’d spoken too much. And maybe he projected a little. His relationship with his own father was hardly the greatest and he lived with his father when he was growing up.  </p><p>“You’re a good person for Akira, Onodera-kun. Congratulations and tell Akira congratulations as well.”</p><p>“Thank you. That means a lot.”</p><p>“I’ll leave first.” </p><p>Ritsu watched as the older man carefully folded his napkin, paid his bill, and walked out looking sad and pathetic.  <br/>Ritsu left shortly afterward and headed to the large bookstore. It was a good thing he purposely chose the izakaya right by Books Marimo. He needed to decompress and where better than at a bookstore? He sighed happily as he smelled that new book smell as he entered the store</p><p>They had a nice display in honor of Maeda’s debut novel which had now been reprinted with the words <i>Naoki Award Winner</i> emblazoned on the front. This was what life was about. Getting married to a great guy and helping to bring works of literature into the world.</p><p>He’d survived his meeting with Suzuki Riku and now everybody in the Onodera and Suzuki families knew about their engagement. This was really happening! </p><p>Akira was probably wondering what happened to him. He took out his phone.</p><p>
  <i>Hi. I just left the izakaya. I’m at the bookstore a few blocks south.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Wow. You went to a bookstore?? I’m so shocked!</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Right. You are so funny.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Want me to pick you up?</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Could you?</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Sure. I had a feeling you might head over to the bookstore near the izakaya. I can see you now in fact. Shit, you’re gorgeous.</i>
</p><p>Ritsu was still puzzling over that one when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He jumped and turned around to see Akira looking way too amused and that tee-shirt and shorts ensemble fit  so nicely and showed off all the right places. </p><p>“Hey, babe.”</p><p>“‘Hey, babe?’ I thought you were home! Were you trying to scare me?”</p><p>“No, although you’re cute when you jump like that. I did tell you I could see you. You seem tense, but that’s a typical side effect when meeting my father. How did it go?”</p><p>“It went alright. He seemed sad. I felt a little bad for him.”</p><p>“Fine. Just keep in mind that he emotionally abused his wife and children for years so maybe he’s getting what he deserves.”</p><p>“That’s kind of what he said - that it was karma that none of you want to be in his life.”</p><p>“Because he treated us like crap. And now he’s lonely and older, he wants us to forgive him, like we’re the bad guys if we don’t. He didn’t even visit his own father until he was on his deathbed. Whatever. How did he react about our engagement? Did he tell you homosexuality was wrong and what a big mistake I was making?”</p><p>“Actually, he said I was good for you and he regrets how he used to be. I told him that if he wants a relationship with you, he shouldn’t expect much and to work hard.” </p><p>“I’m not sure if I want a relationship.” </p><p>“I know. And I told him he would have to speak to you and I’m staying way out of that.” </p><p>“You’re just as brilliant as you are gorgeous, babe.” </p><p>"Is it naive of me to hope that you could get along with him?” </p><p>“Well, yeah, but that’s part of your charm.” </p><p>“It’s funny but all this time I was thinking what marriage meant for us, but it also means all these new relatives and your family is so much bigger than mine. I mean I already know Fumi so that’s not a big deal but all those cousins.” </p><p>"Having second thoughts?”</p><p>“Oh wow! Sumi-sensei has a new book out. I think I’ll buy it.” </p><p>Ritsu grabbed a copy and started looking at the back cover.</p><p>“Hi, Change the Subject. Nice to meet you.”</p><p>“I’m not changing the subject. It’s just going to be an adjustment for us become connected this way - you know, sharing relatives.”</p><p>“Oh. Well maybe the adjustment won’t have to be so bad. I forgot to tell you but when I was speaking to my aunt, I found out that my grandfather also became an Onodera when he was older. Your grandfather adopted him so he could be the next of kin for inheritance and medical issues, and my father was pissed off when he showed up at the hospital and couldn’t find a Suzuki Haruhiko there. Did you tell him I’m becoming an Onodera?” </p><p>“I wasn’t going to, but he asked me. He’s very direct. He didn’t seem so surprised. Just said maybe?” </p><p>“He’s lucky Ryoma didn’t change his name. I was thinking though, since our grandparents were as legally married as it gets, does that mean we were related to each other already from that moment?  What does it mean when your grandfathers are married to each other? Are we cousins-in-law or something?”</p><p>“Cousins-in-law sounds ridiculous.”</p><p>“You smell so delicious tonight, cousin.”</p><p>“Seriously, Akira? ‘Cousin?’ We are not cousins! And what are you talking about?”</p><p>“Your Ritsu cologne; you’re a walking turn on.”</p><p>“You’re just over sexed.”</p><p>“You’re just as excited about me. See? You’re smiling.”</p><p>“Let’s just buy this book and go home.”</p><p>“Yes, before your scent drives me over the edge.”</p><p>Ritsu fwapped his fiancé discreetly on the way to the checkout counter. Fiancé. That sounded so nice. Almost as nice as the way Akira - like sweat mixed with smoky woodfire and just a hint of cinnamon.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Title is not a song but a compilation from 4ad long long ago.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0027"><h2>28. Take Your Time and Make Me Love You Good</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“I’m so proud of you, babe. You were stuck in that elevator with your ex for over an hour.” </p><p>The two of them were relaxing on the couch, after dinner. Akira was so snuggable. Ritsu sighed contentedly.</p><p>“I did need to do deep breathing at first. And then the elevator broke down which distracted me. I felt like I just experienced the final chapter in that story if that makes sense?”</p><p>“Only a bookworm would phrase it that way, but I know what you mean. Just don’t suggest a double date, because I might do something we’ll both regret. Although his girlfriend seems cool.” </p><p>“Her name is Aikawa Eri, and why do I get the feeling you wouldn’t be regretting whatever you’re fantasizing about? Why don’t you get your console out and play one of those battle games, rename all the bad guys ‘Takano’ and beat them all up? Oh, and interesting choice of hand placement.” Not that he was complaining. </p><p>“Mmmm, you feel so nice there.” Akira gave his butt a squeeze, and Ritsu gasped. He really should have expected that.</p><p>“Yeah? Just so you know I’ll be enjoying all your assets tonight.” And then he blushed. Because he just said <i>that</i>? And in English so Akira could get the full benefit of his multilingual talents.</p><p>Akira laughed and while he was distracted, Ritsu stuck his hands underneath the elastic of Akira’s shorts. That was one nice benefit to Akira wearing casual sports clothing providing such easy access. He was rewarded by the sound of Akira’s gasping and whimpering. </p><p>“You feel so nice here,” he whispered.</p><p>If somebody would have suggested a year ago that he’d be in his living room feeling up his boyfriend, he would have said they were nuts.  So much had changed. He felt a surge of emotion.</p><p>He loved this idiot. They’d been together for months, yet how many times had he said he loved him?  He still put on his tsundere act and got away with it, but that wasn’t good enough. He had to show it. Now. Well maybe not now. Bedroom first. And then afterward.</p><p>Later, they were cuddling in bed, he was still trying to figure out how to bring it up. Why was this so difficult? It wasn’t Akira’s fault, although he was disarming, the way he was looking at him directly and holding him. Even his scent was distracting. Akira was too busy enjoying the afterglow to notice the change of mood, which was good because normally he picked up on how Ritsu felt immediately.</p><p>“Ritsu, you’re amazing. I created a monster in the bedroom, but it’s good, so I’ll let you live.”</p><p>Why did this man catch him off guard all the time and make him laugh? Right when he wanted to be serious?</p><p>He playfully slapped his boyfriend and pretended to be upset. “You’re actually calling me a monster?”</p><p>“An extremely intelligent and sexy monster with the most gorgeous dark green eyes I’ve ever seen.”</p><p>“Akira.”</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“Can we be serious for a moment?”</p><p>“Sure.”</p><p>“I started thinking about things...”</p><p>“You? Thinking about things? Are you kidding me?”</p><p>“I asked if we could be serious.”</p><p>“Oh. Yeah. Sorry! Continue.”</p><p>“I’m just thinking about us, and how I had no clue what relationships were supposed to be. Aside from my one experience I only knew anything about it from books, but I didn’t realize that it’s a process and it’s not something where if it’s not perfect all the time you’re doomed.” </p><p>He looked up. He wasn’t getting far. </p><p>“Sorry. I’m not making sense.”</p><p>“You’re making a lot of sense. You say ‘I’m sorry’ too often, and I don’t want to repeat myself, but you really don’t have to apologize so much to me.”</p><p>“Well, sorry!” Ritsu replied sarcastically and smiled.</p><p>“Anyway, keep going. I like what I’m hearing.”</p><p>“Okay. So… where was I?”</p><p>“Relationships are a process.”</p><p>“Yes! Thanks. And sex can be amazing and even hilarious, I never realized I’d laugh so much when we’re... you know...”</p><p>“Maybe because you were always so busy with the dead fish impression.”</p><p>‘Will you stop with the dead fish? What is a dead fish impression anyway?’</p><p>“You, in all your gorgeousness, lying there and doing nothing. I thought we went over this on, what was it, our second date?”</p><p>“Can I continue, please?”</p><p>“Oh, sorry.”</p><p>“Now I have to remember where I was again.”</p><p>“Uh… sex is funny?”</p><p>“Especially when dating a clown like yourself, and this is <i>not</i> the mood I was going for.”</p><p>“And it’s my fault. Okay. I promise to be serious.”</p><p>“So, moving on, I also learned that it’s okay to disagree. It doesn’t mean our relationship is over and you might be a selfish arrogant know-it-all sometimes…”</p><p>“Wait, am I supposed to be enjoying this?” </p><p>Akira was being so funny and Ritsu really wanted to laugh, but he needed to focus and stay serious. He looked down and concentrated on a mole a few centimeters below Akira’s belly button.</p><p>“But the fact is I can’t imagine a world where I’m not by your side. I don’t want to imagine a world where we’re not together. I just want to be with you for the rest of my life.” </p><p>Ritsu looked up at Akira, who seemed deep in thought and then smiled broadly.</p><p>“Wait, is this a proposal?”</p><p>Ritsu paused. A proposal? He hadn’t planned it that way. He’d just wanted to say I love you. And yet… was there any reason he couldn’t propose to Akira right now? No. There wasn’t. </p><p>“Yes. It is. I don’t have a ring or anything to give you and do men even give each other rings? Whatever. I… I love you Akira. Will you marry me?”</p><p>“Shit, yes, but we have a problem.” </p><p>He was right. They had multiple problems like would his mother accept them or did she still think this was a phase, and gay marriage wasn’t even legal in Japan and how did adult adoption even work? </p><p>“What problem because I’m perfectly fine with adult adoption. Suzuki Ritsu sounds nice.”</p><p>“Not that kind of problem, but I’d rather be added to your family register. Onodera Akira sounds much better. No, the problem is we’re supposed to be having the sex after the proposal, not before.”</p><p>What? That was the problem???</p><p>“Oh darn. Too bad I’m not dating a strong athletic man with high stamina who could easily top me.”</p><p>“So basically, you’re saying you want us both to have aching hips tomorrow?”</p><p>“If it’s too much for you, I’ll understand,” Ritsu sighed dramatically.</p><p>Akira laughed and pushed Ritsu down. Straddling him, he nuzzled into his neck while fondling his chest. </p><p>“Forget that. Let’s do this, babe.” </p><p>Like they weren’t having round of sex but saving the world. And maybe they were.  Could life be better than this?</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Song title is from Rock me Again (and Again and again etc.)  by James Brown, sung by Lyn Collins and covered by many.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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